He is so deceiving

[ihatemakinganickname]

I am completely at a lose with me boyfriend. We have been together for 5 years on and off. In the last 3 we have completely stayed together and it has been hell mostly. We have two kids together and he takes on the father responsibility of my oldest child. He is a great father and a great person. Most of the time he is a good boyfriend too. The problem is he has a drig addiction that I do not know how to deal with. Before we met I guess he was introduced to crack and then he sobered up. The first time I left him was because I was already a mother and he liked to drink too much. We split and got back together and he was okay for a while. Then he was always needing to pick up a beer or two. He started doing crack again. He would be gone at work all day and make lots of money, when he got home he would only have 20 or 30 dollars to give me, when he made way more. He would stay gone for nights and not contact me, coming home broke and then sleep forever after a long night of spending all our bill money on drugs. If he wasn't doing crack, he would do vicoden mostly. Then he started snorting heroin. We moved to a new town because I thought it would help, it did for a while, but only for a while. He went to jail and I got it together without him, I let him move in to my new house. It was okay for a while, but he started doing crack again. Stealing things from the house, stealing my money. I was having him stay home to keep away from drugs, but i was mad and told him to get a job to make up for the money he took. It only got worse he made lots and brought home nothing. At christmas he was gone for at least a week spending thousands on drugs. He never made it home for christmas, he got put in jail again. When he got out we moved to a new state for a new beginning. He was bound and determined to change. We were doing great. We both got jobs quick, and he was sober for a long time, then I got the same old feeling I always get when he is doing stuff. I gave him a drug test and he failed. He said ghe took some vicodin. He was sober again for a while, I got a feeling and gave another test and he failed, said he got a percacet from someone. I finally got him to admit he was doing roxy's sometimes after questioning him like a damn cop, and this is the way it always goes. He stayed sober for a long time then before christmas I caught him with some roxy's. This was 2 months ago. I can't handle it anymore. He told me he never broght it in our house and he was not snorting them, then about 2 days ago I was snoping around the bathroom, just to make sure. Something I do on a regular basis, and I found to cut straws. I confronted him and he said they were from a long time ago, which I do not believe because I checked that same spot last month. He was mad that i was mad b/c he said he has not done anything in the last few months. But the point is I should not have to deal with this crap in my house. It is not far to me or my kids. He also lied about snorting it. I was mad told him to leave but when he was going to leave I wouldnt let him. i took his phone b/c i was afraid he might call the dealer and leave with them or something. I am always mean to him. I always accuse him of doing drugs or being high. And lately I have been blaming him for cheating with this girl he works with. I feel like a crazy person. Sometimes we yell scream call names do whatever to hurt each others feelings. Sometimes it even gets physical. This last one got physical and i ended up with a really bad black eye that probably will tkae months to heal. I am not saying I am inoccent because i put my hands on him more than he does to me. The thing is I really love hi, but I don't know what too anymore. I feel like it is never going to cbhange. He will be sober for a while, but he will never quit completely. I have been reading books on codependency and it explains pretty much exactly what I feel. I feel lost anxious, obsessed with trying to keep him away from drugs. I have threatened him to leave, called the people that give it to him, threatened them with cops, go through his phone, pants, coat, anything. I am not myself. I do not know what happened to me I am going crazy. I feel like even if he is not doing anything I still will think he is. What should I do? I am so confused, I need help. Iwant to feel confident and live a normal life. If you have any suggestions, please help me out. I am at a lose and I don't want to have a braek down please help[

[cleanmom]

My gosh girl, you are going to have to do something for yourself and especially your children. This is so unhealthy, and for god sakes, he can not be putting his hands on you. Your children see what is going on whether you realize it or not, and you and him are their role models. Is this the behavior that you think they should learn and become accustomed to? I hope not. You need to seek help for yourself right away. You certainly can't do anything to help him unless you get a grip on yourself and your situation. I understand he is a MAJOR part of this situation, and a MAJOR part of the reason it has gone to he!!. Do you see what this is doing to you? So, can you imagine what it is doing to your children? You may not see the impact it is having on them right now, but trust me, someday it will surface. My suggestion is to have him leave or take your children and stay somewhere where it is safe. You could allow him to have time with his kids, under supervision that is until he can clean up his act. During this time apart, you need to seek some professional help for yourself so you can start the process of healing from all of this. And really, there isn't much you can do for him unless HE wants to change. And i would make it clear that unless you see some positive actions on his part and an ongoing active recovery on his part, your living arrangements, and his supervised time with him children will not change. Most of this is up to him, but in the meantime you need to make sure your children are in a safe and healthy environment. I can hear the pain in your message and it is heartwrenching, i hope you can find it in yourself to make some positive changes for you and your kids. And we are here for support, keep posting, and keep us updated. I wish you all the best, and you will be in my prayers. God Bless---Jacky

[TurningANewLeaf]

I hate to tell you this but unless he wants to drop the pills, etc.  There is not much you can do.  He is going to do what he does.  I would say it seems like you have your stuff together and you have your kids to worry about.  All the yelling and physical abuse is not good for them to see and be around.  I would hate to think they are learning from this guy.  Plus, seeing their mom so upset and with a black eye is just not good.  I'm sure you know that already.  Not to mention that he is getting ALOT of the attention in the house.  What about the kids?  There are many fish in the sea, time to drop him like a bad habit and move on.  You will not be able to trust him.  Just doesn't make for a good honest relationship anyhow.  I really wish you luck and God speed.  Please keep us posted.  Have a good weekend.

[Beccabeccalynn]

Have you heard of ALANON ? A support group for friends and family of addict/ alcoholics. I can not think of a place for you to get more support and to see what did and didn't work for other people in your shoes .
Becca

[DanielleLeigh]

It sounds to me like you need to find a new boyfriend. He sounds like he needs some serious help. With having kids in the picture this is not a good relationship for you to be in. I agree with the above person....you should look into ALANON and get some help for yourself and get out of this relationship. You deserve better and your kids don't need to be around that kind of stuff.

Take care and keep us posted!!

[sharzi]

Hi, Im so sorry to hear that you are in such a terriable situation.  Yes...I agree with the above posters - alanon is a great source of strength and help!  You will be amazed.  I have been to some alanon meetings, and they are wonderful.  Please look up a support group on line, and get there asap.  Go no matter how hard it is, no matter what it takes - your family needs you, and in no way do you deserve the trreatment you are getting.  It is very hard to leave relationships that involve the father of you kids, but something must be done right away.  My first marriage was abusive, but I got out and now am married to a very nice person.  It can be done!!  Please let us know how you are doing!