kicked off of 78mg MEHADONE...HELP

[KayDeeKay]

my husband and i were unjustly kicked out of aegis medical systems methadone clinic..weve been clean from herion and street opiates for 5 years.....in the methadone clinic for the 5 years and were both on 78ml and theyve kicked us out no detox nothing just cold turkey...todays the 1st day without taking it what can we do to make things easier??
we have two 8 and 7 yr old boys and i work a part time job. if i go to a doc u think thyll give me methadone pills to detox me off? my health is bad as it is i hve circulations issues in my right leg where it turns purple blue at times and im scared nervous dont know what to do or how to make this and easy transition.

[gnarly_1]

Hi...well the addict in your head already has your mind made up that N/A wont work  I know there are people that are court ordered to go there  and some just want there court order letter sighed ...but the vast majorty are people that want to get and stay clean  I also tryed one on one tharpy with a substance abuse conslor  and for the most part it helped  but I never lost the desire to use....I accepted the fact that I was going to be tormented the rest of my life by this...but it is not true  if your honest with yourself  get a sponcer  work the 12 steps  this progam can do for you what it has for me  and that is you will loose the very desire to use  something nothing else did for me   I really feel it would be a good option for you to try start going to the meeting  and not just one once in a wile  I still go to 4 a week and also speak at the local drug rehabs around phoenix  it is what I need to to to stay clean   it is still less work then everything I did to use  so it is a fare trade...I will be the first to tell you that staying clean takes work and there are nights that I dont want to go to my meetings but for the most part I enjoy all the new friend I have made  we look out for each other and they do care about me and I them  recovery is a ''we'' thing not a ''I thing'' and your still trying to do it alone  it rarely works....you need the support   life on lifes terms is hard sometime but it is doable with out the use of drugs  you ow it to your kids to get over this  im sorry if om not telling you what you want to here  but it is life or death and you have so much to loose  if the athoritys get wind of what is going on your going to loose your kids and trust me it is a living nightmare to get them back we see it all the time here....it is ez to keep doing what your doing  I get that addicts use  but it doesent have to be that way  in your post you have justified your use over and over again and to me that is just plain insanity....time to take your life back even if you have to go out of your comfort zone to do it...I will support your recovery and give you the shirt off my back  but I will not support slaming heroin and meth im sorry I cant do that  that doesent mean I wont help you get clean  I have a loving heart for those that are willing to try...time to wake up and do the next right thing.............................Gnarly..................................

[KayDeeKay]

When i went to the methadone clinic its because i was done and sick n tired of the drug street life and even now i dont want to be on this ****...But was able to identify that i was to weak minded to get through the withdraw without relapsing!! so after being told i had to wait a week and a half to even get into the suboxene clinic and then told i would have to drive 45 minutes every day to get my suboxene pill given to me realized i couldent afford that..and wouldent beable to make that trip due to unreliable transportation..so after being turned away..and preety much told to go use for the next week and a half until they could accept me from the staff at the suboxene clinic reluctantly i then reached out to the methadone clinic clearly trying to avoid going back to the needle...they told me to be there in the morning at 5am..so to stop the hurt for the night and to make sure we were awake smoked meth to keep mind off of oxycotton withdraw...So being at the clinic for 5 years the day we walked into this damn clinic we gave up everything..not just the drug..but the need and habit of sticking a needle in ur arm everyday the street life..which consists of alot of habits in its self..never pissed dirty once..And went to counseling every week...the first 3 years i got what i was going to get out of this place after my counselor left due to the unfair treatment on patients and staff from upper management....I couldent trust anyone else..when i did try to open up about things theyd only be help over my head or my husbands!! So the last 2 years i remained clean and off the streets by myself..!! So addiction is a disease yes...But being wrongfully kicked out of the methadone clinic was something i was not ready for otherwise both my husband and i would have been in the middle of tapering..we were stable at 78mg...sick of the methadone life and dealing with all the crooked staff there yes but we KNEW we weren't ready to completely be off of it yet and fearful to taper ALL BECAUSE OF THE  PAIN WE'D FEEL..if i wasent dont with the addiction life style i wouldn't have been able to stay away while fighting the cut throat detox for 30 days...!!! I am the first to admit my addiction is alive and breathin...but my soul is not gone and my councious is very alive!!! Loosing site of the truth isent something i have ever had happened in all my years of addiction..i am able to reconize right from wrong real from fake and being a christian i believe this is my God holding onto me because i should have already been given away to the darkness that so many are consumed by in addiction. my point is everyone will disappoint you..and it suks that im one of those....but know that i am still here and am still level headed...and i have hope..I am an addict it is alive right now and full blown and i dont want it to be i want to stop i dont want to live this life any longer then i HAVE to...so in the midst of ur disappointment know that deniel is something i dont play with...and we will get help and we will beat this but this is real and what is happening right now i could have lied and said everything was oh so perfect but i will get nothing from lieing...I have been and gone through so many drug councelings and the 12 step and N/A classes and quite frankly its all a bunch of shittyness on top of shittyness....the program i believe is not ****** but to sit in a circle with a bunch of people that are being forced by the courts to go these classes that is NOTHING  but a receipt for disaster..My plan is to do a in patient 30 day detoxification..and after the 30 days before i leave the place already have drug counseling sessions set up..i benefit better from one on one sessions then group sessions. so i have a plan and am taking actions to get there like finding somewhere thetll except my medi cal insurance which is through welfare so its not easy that's for sure and then the decision on how to go about this...My husband and I are both strugelling with the same thing..so we BOTH need to do a 30 day detoxification...But with children we cant do this at the same time..so when im clean getting out hes using still and then goes in?? i mean what would you do? there so many factors in this decision! finding a counselor right now is pointless i need to detox first otherwise ill be high going to a drug councelor

[gnarly_1]

Hi...well all I can say is it saddens me to read a post like this.....this is what happens when all you do is drink the methadone wile on the program  if your not seeking help to fix the real problem   (you) the addict in you will always win  methadone has its place  when use in conjunction with out pacent tharapy it can be weened off of and then recovery is possible  so what do you do now?????  well time to start treating the addict alive and well in your head  the only progam that I know of that will work to do that is N/A  it is a simple 12 step program that with time you will loose the very desire to use  something I thought was impossible  this progam treats the addict  you dont even have to be clean to go   you only need the desire to stop using google N/A meeting in your area....B/4 you loose all hope or your life make this your last try to get clean  where your heading now only leads to jail institutions or death  living like you are is not living at all your a slave to the H and it will only get worst with time  please try N/A if it will work for a old dope fiend like me it will work for anyone..................Gnarly

[KayDeeKay]

truth be i didnt even want to get back on here and the truth is im prolly only letting everyone know right now because im tweaked out on meth!!...
Its pathetic i went 28 days my husband and I both....didnt touch a damn opiate whoo hoo right yah nope im a wak minded individual and the whole time i was trying to get off of the methadone and kick it cold turkey i was taking adderall and vyvanse and i can honestly say it helped keep me busy so i didnt focis on the withdraw as much!! Well prescribtion pills only last so long and are much more hard to come by!! on a mission to go pick up our dealers last supposed to be 10 vyvanses he/she ended up only having 4 of them so in place my husband accepted 6 narcos....i was SO hesitate to take two of them!! but my hunny being the addict he is told me it would take the edge off...he was right doesnt mean he dont love me just means we can be each others best friends or worst enemies...in this case worst enemies....these narcos was how we were going to "properly" detox ourselves from the methadone....so 2 become 4 4 became 6 and over a 2 day period bwtween the both of us cleared out 100 Narcos these were the 10s keep in mind and our bank accoct dwindeled quite a bit to!!! well here we are a day later hurtn worse then the 28 days we kicked methadones ***!!!! OF COURSE narcos are hard to come by...guess what...Black tar heroin is much easier to come by....and being a needle user doing it any other way is a waste...so today is day 5 back on the needle...!! I can accept i am an addict and am the last person in the world to deny by wrong doing...i am not being the best person i can...and my marriage well lets just say divorce papers have already been printed and began to be filled out to be thrown away later...I believe my marriage is whats getting the brunt end of all of this!! I dont believe i will allow myself to see the black hole again!! In fact i KNOW I WONT...because i am not in denial!! using this needle feels so good!! BUT IS ********!!..I dont like doing this!! My addictive nature is well and alive i know!! But i dont enjoy it like i used to!! i just dont want to hurt!! i mean afterall everyone in this world is addicted to something!! Rather its food or cigarettes or money or working or books or the bible or tv or games we are all addicts we all fall short!! I am a christian and Ive told my god i know i am doing wrong and i dont know when ill get off and i dont know how but i ask he be here through it all and lead me the right way!! ..i will inquire about medical detox tomorrow but i dont believe it will be as simple as people make it out to be!! Do i want to continue this **** NO am i ready to be done **** YAH!! My soul is not gone!! nor has my soul every gone away during my years of addiction nor will it now!! ive been a christian since i was 4 and thats something in life ive never lost sight of!! Ive accepted jesus as my savior i am saved and i know GOD WILL NOT GIVE ME AWAY TO THE DARKNESS!! But its the guilt i feel!! the fear of my punishment!! I know i will not go on punished!! But this is something im able to accept!! i Dont know where i am going but merely expressing how i feel right now!! I know i am doing wrong!! i know everything that could go wrong!! But here i am about to take a dose of herion! with that being said..ill check back in when i able!! Sorry for the dissappointment!!

[gnarly_1]

Hi  just a quick check to see how its going   please post to let all of us know................Gnarly

[gnarly_1]

Hey  congrats on day 16 your doing great  this stuff is a monster to kick and every day is a victory and your one day closer to getting better...as you can see this stuff is very cyclic it comes and goes in waves your doing a lot better then I did with sleep  it was a month b/4 I got more then a catnap here and there  I thought I would go friggin Mad im bipolar and that sent me into a mania so I was just one miserable little puppy....just know it will get better you have to measure progress in baby steps   think how bad it was at day 3 or 4  your improving from there  I would highly recamend N/A meetings to both of you the support there is ausum and they will understand just what your going threw  this is a critical part of recovery so google N/A meeting in your area  keep posting for support we all want to see you make it....................Gnarly