loop hole

[Dane74]

Guys i made it this far, i was a good girl last night.......BUT...... please HELP ME!!!  I am reaching out here guys, i am going to my mother in laws house  with my hubby and kids and i know exactly where her pills are!!!!  My ridiculous addict brain is thinking oh just a few, then i try to come to my senses and say no F...ING way but i am not feeling strong at all.  I cut all my sources but this, i have found the loop hole.  I know the right thing to do is tell hubby, but i can't he just does not completely understand addiction or can fathom that i his wife could go so low as to steal from his mother. OH God give me the strength to get through this day.  

[kme17]

All those horrible, shameful, loser feelings your feeling is only teaching you something. Dont look at it negitive look at it as learning just what your triggers are and what kind of addict you become. Your doing great.

[conhall]

I Like what you wrote You are not going to start over just MOVE FORWARD! VERY! very strong words. It took alot for you to post on here and since I saw your post and responded you have been on my mind alot!!!

Please keep posting and reaching out and Just remember we are all here to help you always.

[Dane74]

Thank you.  I did all of the above, i confessed that i am an addict, i went to a 30 day in house rehab and i continue to go to therapy, i am doing it all.  My hubby is aware of my problem but doesn't understand it, and nobody does unless they are addicts and he is not.  I'm the first in the family and friends to be a darn drug addict so i am the black sheep.  I have come along way and made lots of progress, crap i was at 10 months clean, i am not going to start over, I'm moving forward.  

[conhall]

You cant go back and change the past But Like Sara said you can change the Future, I Know you feel bad and you are upset with yourself but My friend if you tell your husband it will help you and your wrong its not just your problem it is his too! He looks vows and so did you if the shoe was on the other foot wouldnt you want him to reach out to you?
Once I told my Guy I had an addiction problem it was like the flood gates opened up. Its ACCOUNTABILITY its a huge step. He will surprise you he loves you YES? I was so scarred to tell my guy and I has same reasons How will he look at me will he trust me? But it made us stronger he helped me when I couldnt help myself he helped me and I needed it badly. Please tell him.
There are 3 things that I swear by and they are the reasons I am 195 days today. #1 Pill source(GET RID OF IT) a must!
#2 TELL YOUR Loved ones (ACCOUNTABILITY) You need the support
#3  AFTERCARE
I am hoping you look at all the post and see everyone reaching out and giving you the answer to your problem It will make a difference I PROMISE YOU :)))(Think about it)

[Dane74]

thanks littlebit, I'm sure i will get crap for this, but at this point in time i really don't care, but i am not considering it a relapse, I'm calling it a set back and that's that.  And yep i am a work in progress thats for sure.

Hi brightfutureahead, nice to meet ya..LOL  As for what i  am going to do different, i am going to keep my big mouth shut, and confide in my shrink.

[littlebit667]

Yeah I get that!  Being honest can be so uncomfortable.  But, it was IMHO good you told.  You can take what works for you from the comments.  It is given with love for the most part.  I know I had to forgive myself my relapses and realize..I am a work in progress.  the process is the goal.  Keep moving forward and know we are behind you pushing you forward!

[Brightfutureahead]

Hi Dana...I've been on this site for a lil bit now...for some reason I don't think we've ever connected directly but I just wanted to tell you to dig your heels in deep and get back on track...one day at a time girl! As long as you keep trying its a step in the right direction. What are you going to do differently this time?

[Dane74]

i will not open up to anyone but the shrink as she will not judge, i regret being honest on here, to be honest.  It is what it is, and I'm just trying to move forward.  

[Fireby29]

I just now saw this post, read your first one and zoomed down to the bottom hoping what I suspected would happen did not.  It did.

The only reason I comment is that I KNOW I would use if I was in your shoes.  6 months clean, I am just not there yet.  That is why I had to cut every damn source and tell my secret to my wife.  So that if I go to the same situation, they know the friggin' narcs CANNOT be there.  

I am not proud of the fact I know I would use, but I am proud I have taken all the steps I can to protect myself.

Having said all this, get back on track, you can do it.....

Bryan

[nursegirl6572]

I admire the guts it took for you to be honest here, and open yourself up to honesty and advice that may not be so easy to hear.  Like someone else said...opening up to those in your REAL life will help you so much more.  We can only do so much.  You need the support and HELP of those in your daily life.  Someone to walk you through the tough times.  If you make this a learning experience, one that will keep you from relapsing again, you can take something positive out of it.  This place is an amazing source of support, but you need to reach out to your partner too.  That's what marriage is about.  I KNOW you would do it for him...you would move mountains for ANYONE who needed help....time to move mountains for YOU!

You already know the advice people give about things that are a must to prevent relapse.  It's time to put those things in place.  I'm sure it's hard to be honest with your hubby, you feel like you let him down...but I would bet my bottom dollar he would RATHER have to be a little bit disappointed and have the opporunity to HELP you rather than LOSE you to addiction...right?

Praying for you hon...you're an amazing person with a heart of gold...this is no reflection on YOU as a person...its only a perfect example of the power of addiction.  You have to fight, and fight hard...even if it involves things you don't want to do, or are scared to do.

You have a WHOLE MESS of people here trying to help you.  Try not to get upset at any of the advice...even if some of it hurts a little.  People are NOT judging you or scolding you...they are only trying to help.  Today is a new day...pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get right back on that horse, sweetie.

Much love to you.

[ImDONENoMore]

I get it, Dana.  You're pissed off at yourself right now.  I totally get it.  Use this opportunity to find a way to reconnect w/your hubby and allow him to help you in those difficult moments.  He is there for you.  Please let him in.

[Sarah11212]

Stay strong Dana, stay strong.

I threw away almost 7 months clean time because I am selfish as he!!.  
All we can do is learn from it and get back on track.

I admire your honesty.

Keep fighting girl.

[freebird227]

sweetheart i learned the hard way.... you can not save your a--- and your face at the same time, it was not ment to shame you at all.....some people like to blow smoke.. i care more about you and your life and the life of your children.....i will be glad to share my experience with you in a pm if you would like......addiction seeks to destroy your life if your addiction is anything like mine.....i am a few days away from that first one.. and yet i live my life one day at a time and i know that if i pick up i have no way of knowing where it will take me and if i will ever make it back to recovery. i am a very loving and supportive person and will help anyone who ask... but i will not sugar coat or make light of a relaspe... i can't. people die from this everyday.......please if you need to clear up anything i have said on this post that offends you, send me a pm and we can process it....i do care about you, if i didn't i would not have posted.....today is a new begining. make it count.

[dominosarah]

No you cant go back and change what you did but you sure the he!! can change what you do today.

[Dane74]

Thank you all, what's done is done, i cant go back now and change it.  Yep i messed up and yep i put myself selfish self before my hubby and kids as "free bird" said,  thats for that reminder.  I needed that like i need a whole in my head.  

[ImDONENoMore]

Dana, why don't you trust your husband with this?  This makes no sense to me.  You love him.  He loves you.  You NEED his help.  Why aren't you letting him help you?  You're selling him short if you don't think he will support you with this.  Wouldn't you do the same for him?  This stubborn nature of yours isn't helping you one bit.

[dominosarah]

This has been coming on for a long time.  I really hope you will see how serious this is Dane and finally get honest with the ones you need too.

[britbrit88]

Reading these posts tugged at my heart..I know the inner struggle you must be feeling..I've felt it a thousand times, a thousand days..You arent a failure and you arent a horrible person.. I do agree with you, not to tell your husband however, none of us can tell you whats right for your marriage, only you know that.. Please don:t be so hard on yourself, you are doing the best and doing what is right for you. Vicki is right, tomorrow is another day. ,,you did what your brain is trained to do, which is search for your relief. You are training your brain to act differently and its going to take time. You may even relapse again, but you WILL be strong again. Just keep going, keep fighting. You;re human, you like to feel good, that isnt going to automatically go away. The best you can do is keep trying

[Pat1956100]

What's done is done.  Can any of us say we didn't learn something from our relapses?  Even if it was just how powerful this addiction is.  I think to be clean for close to a year shows how badly you want this Dana.  

[MG2112]

You only fail if you quit trying!

[SmilingBright]

That's a good point freebird!! Thanks for some insight.  I'm trying to get free!!  I hate this addiction!!

[kyle505]

Perfect. Thank you. Hope she listens.

[freebird227]

This is an interseting read to say the least.......Relaspe happends long before we ever pick up the first one.. Our disease seeks to~ Kill...Steal... and Destroy....~ You are on shaken ground right now because you have given your Body and Mind a taste of what it craves..... Sadly.this may not be the end to your using... Just think you chose the drug over your relationship with not only your husband but your children....That is how powerfull addiction is. Your body  isn't thinking " oh, this is a little one day slip....or I lost my clean time"..Nope.....I wish addiction was that simple. You have fed the Beast....I hope the best for you,and I pray that by grace you will not use again.....

[littlebit667]

Frankly as far as I am concerned you have bypassed me in so many ways.  You celebrate that year mark right on schedule.