So is this addiction? Guess so....

[Lizzy57]

After a major back surgery last year (less than half of what I needed done was done) I took a lot of pain pills, Seems like every doc I saw offered them and so, why not? Get the scrip filled for that rainy day. Well...long story short, it POURED and my back issues became unbearable last summer, I did the pain dr/PT/MRI route and the dx is that I need more back surgery for several completely smashed disks. So, more pain pills. I am part time caregiving to my mother who is going to be entering Hospice any time now, have 5 kids, 13 grandkids am the go-to for all babysitting and on call 24/7 for mother. Hubby travels 75% of the time and I HAVE to be able to care for our home and yard alone.
I have an apt with the back surgeon next week. Pain most days w/o anything is about a 8- 9 on a 1-10 scale. Drs have allowed me so many pain pills and without thinking, I  guess I got addicted to them. Got a call today from the pain management dr who said I came up as a red flag in his system ( had filled a couple of scrips at different pharmacies than the one I generally use. Not to be sneaky--because in the case of the pain management dr, the pharmacy is literally ACROSS THE HALL from the office. Why drive 15 miles to fill a scrip when the hospital pharmacy is right there?? I was totally unaware you could only use ONE dr and ONE pharmacy!!! I feel like scum. I am seeing my GP this week for a liver panel to see if all the acetaminophen has hurt my liver (oh joy) and to "come clean" to my GP. (Oddly enough, whenever I see my GP, she always made sure I had a supply of Norco!)  Pain Dr. is aware that I DO need something on a daily basis for pain, and said they'd could consider Oxycontin (which terrifies me) or a Fentanyl patch (shudder). On my worst pain day I would take a 7.5/325 4-5 times a day could keep me comfortable. The problem is that I didn't get them all from ONE dr, (and once from my dentist). AND I didn't fill at the same pharmacy. I feel so horrible today. I talked to both my husband and my daughter, as I feel I need to let them know what I'm going through. I feel like trash....worse than trash. The pain dr said he could call the police and the only reason he didn't was because I didn't really 'fit the profile' and he knew my pain it totally legit. He said I had options to explore, and he was kind, but I really, really felt so stupid. I never took the stuff to get high, I took it to stop the pain so I could be superwoman. It's going to be a rotten few weeks here....and I am equal parts depressed and embarrassed. Not much else to say---I guess I can spend half my day in bed with ice/heat ion my back rather than upset the powers that be and take something besides Ibuprofen for pain......(yeah, I am feeling sorry for myself and embarrassed and stupid)  

[Lizzy57]

Thanks--after yesterday I needed a lift. Truly--I DID NOT KNOW that you are legally expected to use one dr and one pharmacy..all the info is tied together, my "base pharmacy" is always aware when I've filled something at a different pharmacy! Like I said, why not use the closest pharmacy, like the one across the hall from the pain dr? Esp as I was going to be at my daughter's who lives 2 miles away and I knew I was going to be tending her wild kids and knew that I wouldn't be able to get to "my" pharmacy before it closed to get this particular scrip filled. Maybe if I WERE a criminal I'd have known this :) My life is mom/wife/gramma and I am all about efficiency.
I know that the pain is legit--I saw the MRI (maybe that was a bad idea) so I know how bad my lower back is. At least I know this pain is caused by something. I am so hopeful for this next (and hopefully last!!!) surgery. I want to be off everything....thanks for the sweet comments about not being trash, scum.....I think a part of me needs to be perfect for everyone..esp the kids. I only told my sweetest, most forgiving daughter about the issue and she was wonderful. I told hubby too, and he honestly just wants me to not EVERY show emotion, so that didn't go great.  I will see what the GP says at the visit on Thurs. This doc is not the best in the clinic and I see her as rarely as I possibly can---this could go anywhere. I will be 100% honest with her, request the liver function panel blood test and go from there. I will have to have some kind of long acting, very controlled pain med, I don't know much about that--but hopefully it will keep the pain at bay and I will not feel the need to over-medicate. Feeling kind of low today, depressed, but no physical symptoms. (tossed the few remaning pills--out of sheer guilt) so going cold turkey for a few days. I dreamt all night I was being arrested and going to prison. Not pleasant. I'm pretty sure my pain dr said all that to let me know that was what COULD happen, part of me is terrified that this could happen. It's sad/funny that I had 5 C-sections, never came home with anything for pain, raised those kids and was super active--then my mid 50's hits and man, I am a downhill slide. This all came on so fast.
Thanks for your comments, so appreciated.
Lizzy57

[NeverAgain127]

Honey,

Why are you so down on yourself?   You have a real medical reason, and you are def on the low end of the scale in terms of use.  7.5's 4 or 5X a day?   It's enough to establish dependency, but you certainly aren't taking a massive dose....

Don't stockpile pills...its a bad idea and one of the signs that the pills are beginning to control you instead of the other way around.  You stated you need more surgery...I assume this will be invasive surgery on your back?  Post operative pain almost always demands pain meds, or you won't heal properly.  

Stick with one doctor and one pharmacy, and I would do whatever he/she says.  After the 2nd surgery, you should only take the pills for as short a period of time as you possible can.  And then ask the doc to put you on a tapering schedule.  We'll be here to support you.

You are not scum... OR trash.  You are a fine person who is doing the right thing.   Let us know what the doctor says...and stop beating yourself up!

Hugs,
Robin

[kittysRN]

This is how addiction creeps up on us.  The pain is legitimate and the need is there.  The problem is it spirals away from us.  
What your doctor is talking about is called Dr shopping and it is very illegal.  I have seen people go to jail for it. But like you said your doctor understands that is not your intention so you should be okay. Don't beat yourself up. Talk to your doctor about your pain and see if you can make a plan. You can't lay around in agony your whole life.  Good luck!