my war to stay clean

[stilltrying1965]

I don't no what causes me to crave HEROIN so badly but i woke this morning feeling like i had used i hadn't but when i realised that i had not used i started to sweat feel sick.It was like something had come up behind me and caused these mad cravings then after i was ill w/ds all over again drug dreams can they cause you to feel like you have went back to the first day of w/ds all over again. I have felt this all day since waking up i have been praying all day that god helps me to keep my clean time and to get through this as tomorrow will be better. I don't tell Kim as she has her own recovery to continue on her great path to freedom but I'm so ill i cant believe it after 194 days i think but i need to stand up and be counted especially today as im very weak for some reason but I'm digging deep to stay on the right path  the path to a better life and freedom this was one drug that i wish i had never went near as it is a ***** to get of your shoulders when she does appear witch isn't to often now apart from this week but today she is whispering to me and also talking to me and trying her hardest to drag me back down she is doing all this *****  can to take me back to the hell of heroin addiction can those drug dreams cause all this to happen ? James

[mikchez]

I have had some using dreams lately and that is kind of funny how I woke up thinking I relapsed and then I was so grateful it was just a dream one thing I do remember is there was no pleasure it was just as painful in my dream as it is in life so I guess it has entered my sub conscious mind that it really *****. Just remember my friend it’s just one day at a time for us and were here in cber land for you.
Peace
mikchez

[kmb22]

i have dreams of an ex boyfriend who i dated years ago (probably the only guy i ever really loved) it ended badly.  and even though i am over it and it was so long ago, when i wake up from those dreams i feel like i was with him a minute ago and i feel like that all day and i think about it all day....but it always goes away, eventually.

[dominosarah]

We are expecting a major snow storm Xmas eve thru Friday.....we may have to hold off on Santa till it clears!!

Glad to see you are posting.  Hope tomorrow is better for you....

I think i will put my feet up and do nothing!!!!!!          sara

[stilltrying1965]

Is it snowig in out there too Sara we are three feet deep in it lol a had one mad dream as you know by my post 2day was a nightmare but iv had an injection of mh and feel so much better for it this place can be magical at times no need for dancing 2night put your feet up Sara get a coffee and relax you desserve that you realy do James

[dominosarah]

James, kick that biotch to the curb.  I would happy dance for you tonight but it is snowing like mad and i havent done my nails today!!!  LOL

[stilltrying1965]

I should have known better as we just watched it at the weekend  and she is always right but then again i think you could be right about the hand though. So ill escape the dish washig but Kim just said something about a hoover lol thank you Letakos  again you have brought yet another smile to my face my day was a nightmare of craving till i come on mh great place to be when times get tough

[10356]

You may have to get a rain check on the dishes for your hand lol so hmmm who wins lol lol

[10356]

Yes it was the teacher lived in it :))

[stilltrying1965]

Yes im very nervous about my appointment tomorrow Kim also says to take it at my own pace and not be pushed into talking when not ready to do so. I think that is what happened this week trying to get it out a bit too quickly when the counselor said you must help yourself first and not to talk about it till i see her tomorrow as she said i could have easily caused a relapse or do more damage than good as sexual abuse is very hard to overcome as she had asked kim on the phone if i had spoken to anyone else about it and when kim told her i had spoken to friends about it she was not happy as this is a very important stage of my life and must start the proper way if its going to be successful and we have to be careful not to cause relapses. I thank everyone for trying to help but must take my counsellor's advice if this is going to be successful. Id like to thank everyone that has tried to help me but as i said i must do what she says.
Letakos was the house in the pics used in the film too, Kim said the house was but i didnt think it was. Can you settle this please las there is a weeks worth of dishwashing riding on this one lol. p.s.

[10356]

Hey James I remember being very scared and nervous before seeing my therapist.. I think this is normal. and trust me I was not use to going anywhere or speaking with people Hell I had to learn to have conversations here at med help I was such a hermit.. I swear ! and to go one on one with a stranger freaking had me panicking.. It will be OK You do not have to say anything you do not want to.. Hell on a few sessions we sat in silence !! It is up to you... breath.. breath..  it will be alright.. trust me on this. it will go at your pace and your pace only.. I'm so Proud of you.. a Warrior faces down his fears and looks them in the eye and you my brother are a Warrior.. You are ok James.. warm hugs for my anxious brother..

[gizzy32]

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, it might be tough at first to talk about these things, but it will help. Great job James. Congrats to Kim again on her clean time too. Are you dancing on tables again tonight? haha

[stilltrying1965]

MY FIRST APPOINTMENT IS TOMORROW THEN TWO WEEKS BECAUSE OF THE HOLIDAYS AND YOUR RIGHT BUD THIS HAS TO BE DONE THANKS BUD AND IT IS VERY SCARY BUT ILL KEEP THE GOOD FIGHT GOING WANTING TO USE IS ALSO VERY SCARY DIFFICULT TO UNDERSTAND AND DEAL WITH JAMES

[gizzy32]

Dreams can make ya crave for sure. The worst is waking up and thinking we have relapsed. James keep fighting this, and I am sorry your craving, it's so scary when the mind shifts and we want to use.

When is your appointment for the counsellor? That is the biggest thing you can do for you and Kim. It MUST be done, in my opinion. Congrats on your clean time now, this too shall pass:)

[narla]

Hey James
               You seem to be getting your fighting spirit back It's so good to hear you cursing th f------g b---h.You are in my heart every day with help you will keep fighting this.You can come and paint my house when you've finished,what are you like at gardening,It needs a lot of work too.I'm so proud of you,and Kim is such great support what a couple.Lots of Love and Big Hugs  Denise

[broknbck]

wow that really sux that you are not left alone in your dreams even. i had quit smoking for like 15 years and then started to have dreams about smoking again. 2 years later i was smoking everyday. don't entertain your dreams or obsess over them. just tell the devil, "only in your dreams baby, hah"
is there some unresolved issue yet? maybe not even drug related?
hang in there. it is not what you want anyway. so do not give it your attention.
happy holidays to you.

[stilltrying1965]

Yes we are stronger we have to be or she would win but i do remember all those good times ,yes i have had  it looked at i have cut the ligament in half so i go back tomorrow to see the doctor who will do the op it was infected so got antibiotics but i fight the ***** hard today i am in control and always will be your support means so much to me that helps me as i was very weak today Kim has come in this minute and knows that iv been fighting since she left this morning i will not let the ***** win my wife and family come before heroin and always will I'm doing the new house up bit by bit so i will keep busy as Kim has just handed me a pot of paint and a brush lol that will keep you busy she says so i will paint the hall to keep my mind of the ***** thank you Letakos you help me so much and i appreciate it so much as i do everyone else here at the best bunch of peps i have had the privilege to get to know thanks to all James

[10356]

They sure can James.. she is a sneaky b itch as we both know.. but we also know we are stronger.. try to occupy yourself james get busy doing something.. I know your hand hurts have you had it checked.. it will not always be this way. the dreams do go away I have not has one in a very long time.. remember You are in Control not your addiction.. You can do this James You know you can.. remember the belly laughs the joy of being free from her.. I'm proud of you James. You have done something others did not think you could. It is awesome to prove them wrong.. sending strength and love letakos