another addiction

[MzHolly]

I have been sober from alcohol for over one year, thanks to AA, inpatient treatment, intensive outpatient, these forums, and therapy. I'm am very proud of this and my life has never been better. I drank for about a year and a half daily, with consumption of up to 2 5ths a day. I actually have a different account on medhelp but because of my involvement in other topics (not addiction related) I don't want them to know as I'm afraid they'll to stop talking to me.
Now that I've told you about the good part of my recovery, it's time to reveal the bad. I have become physically dependant on painkillers. I injured nerves in my back when I drank (fell outta my car) and am going through treatments to relieve the pain, in a few days the nerve endings will be lasered off so I no longer feel the pain. However, part of the pain management was vicoden, which I knew to stay abstinent from, but the pain was so bad I couldn't work, pick up my children, I was very restricted so I gave in and took the pills. This was about 4 months ago I started taking them. I take 5 for the pain. Unfortunantly, since I have such a tolerance to painkillers because of other conditions requiring pain meds (this was before I drank), the only way they work is if I take the whole days worth at once. I know this is bad. I know this is considered abuse. I know how this could affect my health. I also know when i take the "1-2" every 6-8 hours as needed" I don't get any pain relief. I've been offered stronger pain meds, but I'm scared to death of oxycontin, percocet, all those harder painkillers. Yes I get a mild "buzz", but it mostly just makes me tired.  I'm using it for pain relief and not the buzz, and after they laser me I will start weaning off. I have a lot of fear about this though. The reason this frightens me so much is the fear of another more painful condition, and me giving in to taking the pills again. After I left rehab I had a tooth pulled without narcotics, I also went through a painful infection where I was offered tylenol 3, but opted for motrin so I know I can do this, I just can't imagine a more painful problem (say surgery), without taking anything. My biggest fear about weaning off though is I'm afraid I'll realize my addiction isn't just physical. I fear if I am in a full blown addiction, because I haven't hit a bottom like I did with alcohol, I won't stay clean. It hasn't affected my life in a bad way, like buying pills off the street, spending money on it, problems with people because of it, nor health problems, YET. I don't wanna have to hit another bottom before I'm totally clean. That scares me terribly. Any advice or words of encouragement would be great, I really want off these pills (we want to try to get pregnant once I'm weaned off, we've already started fertility stuff), but I fear I will abuse them the way I did alcohol, I don't know I'm just filled with fear. I'm proud to be a recovering alcoholic, but I kinda feel like I've failed by taking this vicoden.

[laurel453]

Hope you will feel better from the surgery and that things work out with your plan :)  you are very aware of the risks and the situation you are in with the pills, all the best now :)

[MzHolly]

I forgot to mention, my dr is aware of my alcoholism and previous addictive behaviors. I want to be proactive in my medical care and admitted to my dr I was an alcoholic when I went to see her for alcohol withdrawal for the first time of many, i previously went to the ER so my she wouldn't know. When I got the desire to stop drinking, she and and AA members helped me find the right rehab for me. When my back pain got severe a few months ago she was very careful with my pain meds, and talked to my pain dr (who did the procedure on my back and now prescribes my pain meds) about my history of alcoholism and my fears (and hers) of me being on anything stronger like percocet and oxycontin. We decided together to stick to vicoden 10/660 to be able to work and care for my family, as we tried other meds and lower doses to no avail. However it took me a while to fill the first script with the fears of a new addiction. I haven't yet told them I'm taking the whole days worth at once, I plan to do that when I talk to my pain dr this week, that way I'm not tempted to get another script as I know he won't give it to me after that.

[MzHolly]

   Update: i have been very honest about my actions with my support network. My sponser and I parted a while ago, I'm looking for another one.
   The surgery was very painful, I thought since the nerve endings would be gone I wouldn't feel it but I guess it's the incisions (6 different spots) that are hurting. The dr says this should wear off in the next couple days, so I'm looking forward to that.
   Unfortunantly, the weaning process isn't going as well as I had hoped. I can't seem to cut down, so I'm going cold turkey when my current script runs out ( 3-4 days), and told the dr I won't be needing a new one. My husband knows this, today I'm explaining to my close friends and family why I will be so sick for the next week or so. I'm blessed, I have a very supportive family and friends as many of them have been addicts/alcoholics and are in recovery including my husband. My mother still drinks beer (thankfully she's nixed the daily liquor) and takes Lortab, but she acknowledges she has a problem and supports me in my efforts to be free of all these things even if she doesn't have the desire to do so as the rest of my support network does. I'm greatful for such a strong support group on medhelp, this forum has helped me so much. I know I'm not clean yet, but I know as I go through this journey I have great people here willing to be there for me. When I got sober in '09 I was on here regularly, checking in with sober buddies and talking to others trying to quit. I'm going to start that again.
   I may not be clean today, but I know I'm on my way. I'm the type of addict that has to quit cold turkey, I'm not gonna go to rehab this time like I did with alcohol because they offer you suboxone, the last thing I need is another addiction. So AA/NA, continuing my therapy ( i go weekly), sticking around this forum, and plenty of prayer is my action plan. I feel so fortunate that I want to stop earlier in this addiction than my last, I was up to 2 5th's a day when I quit drinking, I know I could have easily developed a 20 or 30 pill a day addiction with these pills rather quickly, and I don't want that. Thank you all so much for your support and advice, I hope one day very soon I can help someone else through the early stages of recovery as you've all helped me.

[Htownnofrown]

We, as alcoholics, hit bottom whenever we decide to stop digging. There are certain instances where it is required to take narcotics, extreme pain being one of those instances, but what did your sponsor say about taking 6 at a time? I'm pretty sure they wouldn't think that was a good idea.. Hopefully after the surgery this will not even be an issue, but you know how the alcoholic mind can rationalize just about anything in order to get drunk or high. Just be on the lookout, it is definitely cunning, baffling, and powerful.

I think the best course of action is to get honest with everyone in your sober network. Tell your sponsor, home group, support group, exactly what has been going on, and that you have a desire to get sober again. We don't shoot our wounded in AA, if we did, there would be hardly anyone left. Surrender your addiction to your higher power, re-work the steps with a sponsor, and get back into helping others.. It works if you work it!!

[MzHolly]

thank you all, because i know these addictive signs i've started lowering my dose instead of waiting for my dr to do so this weekend, i can't go through a full CT withdrawal (which helped me stay sober in the past, not wanting to go through that again) due to work and family commitments, but we'll see how this weening process goes. I'm much more optimistic than I was this morning, I remember how hard recovering from alcohol was and that I had the strength to do it. This feels like it's not as hard for me, I guess cuz I've done it before. Thank you all for your support and steven, thank you, you've dissapated many of my fears. I will keep you all posted on my progression, tomorrow I drop to 1 at a time (i already took my "full dose" when I wrote this morning) tomorrow, just enough to stave off the withdrawals. I'm hoping that's no more than 2 or 3 at most for now. then lower. thank you all again, i refuse to let my life be controlled by a substance again. well except nicotine, but that's a whole new battle lol. that's next. Thank you all again.

[livngr8ful]

Good to see you posting your concern.  You have such an upper hand in this.  You know the signs and you know how low it can get.  Dont look to far into the future.  If pain does come and you need the med's make sure your doctor is aware of your addiction potential.  Then you and he/she can work hand in hand to get you the proper care that is needed.  I have gone though 5 back surgeries and am an alcoholic and pain medication addict.  It is a very hard line to walk.  It can be done.  I found the best help came when I was open about my addictions to my physicians an me taking an active role in my medical care.  Keep positive on your medical care and it will be just fine.  You have a great grasp on  addiction and know the signs.  Dont let the addiction gremlin pull on your ears and pull you away from the sobriety angel (they dont seem to get along very well).  And understand that sometimes you may need to take a narcotic pain medication for a true medical need.  If you keep honest with your doctors and yourself, this can be done very effectively without  the aftermath of addiction.  Honesty gets us addicts so much further in or lives and medical care. Head up and shoulders back,  Steven

[dominosarah]

Hi and welcome.  You have identified you have a problem with the pills and that is good.  Dont let fear hold you back.  Be more fearful what will happen if you stay on this path.  Switching addictions is very common.  Have you given any thought to recovery?

[laurel453]

Hi welcome here :)

I think that  your fears won't disappear until you face them , MzHolly.... yes, you need stopping  the painkillers and finding others ways to deal with your pain cause addiction is always progressive and you know you are  an addict so the sooner, the better  and this is your decision, are you ready ?  we will support you here, sure :)

[DayToTry]

I don't think you have to hit a bottom to be successful at stopping.  I don't feel I hit any big bottom.  I did look around and see things I've done that I wouldn't have done and other ways its messed up my life, but no big event or "bottom".  I just feel so confident that I don't want to be a part of those pills that I don't think I'll go back.  Its all in your head.  How bad do you want it?

Just look at what could happen and be thankful it didn't.  Reading this forum is a big help.