SCARED TO DEATH !

[Kitten284]

Since finding this site a cpl wks ago, I've been reading/relating to everyone's else's stories.  I wanted to post my own but because it will be a long one I've kept putting it off.  But now I am desperately in need of support and since this is the ONLY place I have avail to me, here goes (thx in adv to anyone who takes time to read thru, I will try to make as brief as poss) . . .
   Imagine being addicted to pain pills in one form or another, because of chronic pain, for years.  Then I meet a person whose situation has been nearly identical to mine.  Except he is already taking OCs.  He has a Dr who prescribes INSANE amounts to him.  He begins to share w/me.
   FFwd: during next 5 yrs, my addiction increases, but "I" attempt to come clean mult times, and while he says he wants to many times, he never does.  We move from FL to NC in attempt to start over and get clean.  W/help from subox, we both do.
  FFwd: he leaves me in NC.  I stay clean for 2+ yrs.

Then circum's lead me back to FL.  He lets me back into his house because I have nowhere else to go.  (When he came back to FL he immed started seeing his dr and got back on the OCs again)  Initially, he started giving them to me again (because I asked).  It was "on" again.  

But then he gets stinjy, although he gets literally sev hundreds of 30 and 80mg pills completely FREE ea mo (direct from Purdue courtesy of PAP).  He has always hid them throughout the house, but being the junkie I am, would always find them and because he had so many he didn't realize what I was doing.  My tolerance and habit grew. But I then decided I didn't want to live like this anymore AGAIN so I decided I wanted to quit AGAIN.  Then he discovered what I was doing.  I 'fessed up and  told him I really was sorry for doing it and asked him to pls just help get me thru the wd.
  At first he was really pissed (because I've been living in his house w/o a job and not having to pay him anything and even though he doesn't pay for them (the OCs), they ARE HIS) and he said he was happy to see how miserably I was suffering through the ct wd.  But then he seemed he was going to help me.  I started to go thru wd.  Then he got a new script for 250 30mg and I was relieved because I thought he'd continue to help me taper.  Instead, while I was miserable, he spent ALL waking hrs this wkend shooting them up.   Then yest by a clue I discovered where I thought he was hiding them (or some of them).  He had only approx 18 left.
  I took 8 of them ot knowing he had counted them.  He busted me this am.  I paniced.  I lied. Said I didn't take them.  He of course knows it.  He went to work and left me w/o too much of a fight.  Now I am SO scared.  He will be home in an hr.  I don't know what he will do.   And so now beside knowing that I now will REALLY get no help w/my wd even though I know he has a script for 180 80s he is going to fill, I am afraid he will throw me out of his house too.  And I literally would be homeless.  I don't even have a car.  

All this because of the junkie I am . . . . .  I don't want to continue rambling here.  I  really need encouragement now.  I have been suicidal in the past and while I have "thought" about it again, I know it would really hurt my parents because I had a brother who did so I hope I am past that.  Although I am really afraid if I feel too bad (from the wd to come) and dependent on what "he" does, that I would/could do it.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE - SOMEONE, ANYONE - HELP ME !!!        

[morganave]

You can do this!!!  You have nothing to lose by going to rehab.  If you do not have insurance, you can work that out with them.  Perhaps your county can help you.
Your "friend" is getting something out of you beind dependant on him for the pills, it could just be the fact that you have to beg like a dog for the pills.  To him that is power for him.  Go to AA/NA get numbers of people who have been there.  Perhaps you are a canidate for Sub.  Good luck!!

[Mercedes175]

I just read your post and although I know you are hurting..this is for YOU..you are so deceiving yourself.  What the hell are you doing with this person in the first place?  #1, you need to get off these pills so why would you purposely move in to a "users" home; #2, why are you relying on a man (espeically this piece of &*()_) to take care of you, grow up and take care of yourself.  You are more than dependent on drugs, you are co-dependent. I say this not to bring you down but to speak truth.  

This person doesnt care about you if he is using right in front of you.  He is not taking care of himself.  The person you should be angry at is yourself.  

You boyfriend is not responsible for you, YOU are.  It matters not where he gets the drugs, how or if he pays for them...YOU get on with your life and make decisions that help you...living with a loser, addict is not good for YOU.

there are no circumstances in life that dictate you living off this person.  I think you would do better to move home, contact a girlfriend or half way house..but to live with a user and someone that knows what you are dealing with and uses in front of you..shame on you for putting yourself there.  That's it.

[lmatthews75]

Yes I agree very well put...........

[Worthmorenow]

Bravo on your comment. I don't think it could have been said any better........

[wannabefree330]

I hope you realize every time you say he is 'helping' you he is only making your detox and addiction worse.  If he does kick you out, it may very well be a blessing in disguise!  What makes you think that taking MORE pills actually HELPS you detox?  Look at what these pills have done to you.  You don't work, you live with someone who controls you (one wrong move and out you go), and you're a slave to drugs that are completely surrounding you!  If you are seriously considering detox and recovery......go to the hospital, see if they can give you meds to treat w/d symptoms (NOT narcotics).  Find a homeless shelter until you can find better housing arrangements.....get clean and get a job.  Become a functioning member of society.  Before you know it, you'll have 5 years clean, be rid of a 'friend' that's only bringing you down, and actually have your own place to call home!

[10356]

Also sorry to hear about your situation.. You are in a bad place right now but if you have no where else to go ? Home with parents ? If you are kicked out you can go to the salvation Army or Does he get violent with you.. If not and you are stuck you can still get through this.. Those 2 years off of Oxy are attainable.. I know it seems impossible right now but you can put a stop to the cycle of your addiction by digging very deep and getting it done with.. WD will suck.. How much are you taking now a day ? How much do you hate the way you are living now ? How much worse can it get ? You are going to have to come to the conclusion that you are going to have to detox.. Otherwise you are a slave not only to the Oxy but also to your friend..  Detox off of Oxy can be brutal but there are things you can do to make it bearable.. You say you started wd but then you started tapering.. Are you slamming or taking oral.. A hospital is also a choice you can make.. Really it is your call.. Keep posting and we will support you in anyway we can... lesa

[lmatthews75]

I can say plenty of hospitals can help without insurance....I know w/d suck but if you need help go please if you have no support or a reason to use over and over then you may want to just go......

[Kitten284]

Believe me, I have been through it enough times to know that it isn't easy.  I admitted I wanted to be clean before he found me out.  But because I don't have any ins or anything this time to go to a detox/rehab I had wanted him to just help me through the toughest wd.  As again I said from experience that I know that the wd symptoms alone won't actually kill you (you just feel like you want to die) I never got pushed to that limit before so don't know what will happen

[Worthmorenow]

liscamdave is correct. If you go to the ER and tell them you are in withdraw they have to admit you. They can't turn you away (if it's a county hospital). Insurance or no insurance. They will also ask you if you feel threatened at home. If you say yes they have to help you.

[lmatthews75]

Ok Kitten if your are looking for the easy way there isnt one like I said you have to want this (the clean life) if you cant handle the w/d then the hospital is the way NO you are not going to get a pill or shot that makes it all better I wish it was that easy.....But if you think he should share with you beacuse you want them then you dont want to be clean.  Sorry its not easy and what makes it harder is you are living with a junkie as well who doesnt want to be clean!!!!

[Kitten284]

To those who have responded so far, thank you!  First, I am not in fear for my life from him.  I can't go to my parents.  I actually was w/them when I first came to FL again.  Things got so bad w/them and that is how I ended up here where I am.  And I know I am living with a junkie.  (We both obviously are.)  We are just friends.  He does care about me, that is why I have been here as long as I have.  I almost went to hosp last wk when I didn't think I could make it through the w/d.  Then he said he would help me and started to give me small amts spread out over long hrs.  Then like I said, he filled that script and it was like he went and shot it all up just so he wouldn't have enough to give to me?!  Isn't that what it seems like he did?  I've read other posts about going to a hosp and not being given anything to help you and then you're even more uncomfortable than even being in the comfort of your own home, so I don't know.  

[liscamdave]

Well, first off, you are living with a junkie. Are you two still together?? Or just friends. Does he care about you at all or just his precious pills? You don;'t have any family to go to. If he doesnt kick you out, what will you do. Will you stay and continue to steal from him and just bide time until he does kick you out. You need to get away from him. I know its easier said then done as you have no where to go, but you need to get out and get help. NOW>...Go to a hospital to get clean. they have to admit you. Tell them you are in w.d and need help. THey should help you. And maybe even find a state funded rehab to go to till you are clean.

[refusingbondage]

HI. I am so sorry to hear of your story and your dilemma.  Please try to be strong. Now is time to figure out what you are going to do. Not for just today, but for the rest of your life.  Is there no where you can go?  Anyway you can go home for a while - you said you dont want to hurt your parents, so they must love you.. Can you go be with them?  I think its really important for you to find someplace else to go -- this is not a place for you if your tryng to get clean.  I dont really know what to tell you other than I will pray for you and I hope and pray you can find some place safe to go.  Have you looked into maybe inpatient rehab?  Is there anyway to get charity care for that?  Or adult therapeutic community?  I went to one a long time ago with no insurance.  Is it wd you are afraid of?  Cause even though it ***** off of oxy, it wont kill you and you can do it.. but it will behard to do being around someone who has them.  I hope you find your way and I will pray for you.  Keep us posted.  

[lmatthews75]

GET HELP now if you are in fear of your life call 911....If you are W/D then goto the er get to a center that can help you......How far are you from home?  You have to want to be clean first......Plenty of places out there to help grants private funding.....