ugh day 5

[tigerlily11]

Ugh day 5. I finally slept some last night, but still not feeling very well. I think I have been so mad and stressed and frustrated I just kept pushing thru the wd but its always this mental part that knocks me back down and maybe the reality of my sucky life without meds to numb it just isnt worth it?

[gnarly_1]

HI ........aftercare is the next step to sobriety both A/A and N/A have great programs it will be worth your time to check out ether one I know this sounds strange but its not adbout the pillls addiction lyes deeper in the brain then that it is the very way we think and reason that has to change to overcome this....bothy programs will teach you the skills and give you the tools to do just that there are also consolors an therapists that specilize in addiction but I still feel the meetings are a better place to start you will meet new clean freinds and when cofortable be able to share with people that know what it like...for me I use both N/A and a substance abuse counselor both with success ....gooogle n/a meetings in your area chances are theres one close to home just go and listen the first few times your not required to talk at all if you dont want to but it is a great release when you do...I wish you all the best in your recovery good luck and God bless.....Gnarly  

[tigerlily11]

Wow thanks everyone!!!
I tried to get up and move around a bit, really couldnt get up the energy motivation to take a walk but did sit outside and watched the kids play for awhile and that was nice. I still really dont feel good and this is always the hard part, you et past the most excruciating physical detox pain and its like now what? Like Gnarly said I have always just tried to "whiteknuckle it" and that obviously has not worked out for me very well. I am really scared concerned about this whole aftercare thing. I know I have to do something differently this time, Im just not sure what. I dont want to make any excuses but I have 3 small kids and just left my ex basically with the clothes on our backs and moved to a state where I know nobody. But I want this so bad and I know if I put in the effort like you say Gnarly I can and will make it!!! You seem very wise and knowledgable and I really appreciate your post!

And Harper oc, you make perfect sense to me as that is the way my mind also works and I know how quickly you can talk yourself into it, and as they say one is never enough and it just repeats this vicious cycle that I so badly want out of. I really appreciate your thoughts, and have been reading some of your posts and you are amazingly strong and awesome and seem to have a story and timeline exactly like mine! Hopefully we can also get thru this together and come out the other side!!!

Mr new Hope, you always seem to be there when I need someone most and I cant tell you how much I appreciate that and how much it has gotten me thru the past few days, I knew when things got too untolerable I could always come on here and even when I didnt have the energy to type, I could just read the stories and gain some comfort and hope and strength and support!!!

dominosarah, what a wonderful idea to write down what Im grateful for and maybe the reasons I want/have to quit these pills...hmmm may be the same list :), and post it up to remember daily!

irishann, you actually made me laugh today finally, and I have found myself going around thinking, well one more day towards health and that lady going to russia lol!!! I wish you the best and am rooting for you!

Thanks to everyone here for just being there and giving me help support someone to talk to me in my darkest hours without even knowing me! That feels so good!

[MrNewHope]

Mola dyetz! Irishann!  (Good job - po russki)

I don't mean to brag but I'm a bit fluent in Russian myself hehe.  

But the list is a great idea. A Journal too, possibly on your phone so it can timestamp everything.  And don't forget this site is recording our history as we speak!

Udachi v Rossiyi (Good luck in Russia)

[irishann]

Thank u for your words of help! I mean, at least I really have no one to call...he wont give me any..and I don't have the money to hit the streets...BUT! About your list...that is a great idea....and he and I may have an opportunity to work overseas in russia!! As civilians on a military base...so after I posted my" wo is me", I got in the shower and kept saying out loud, "one day closer to health and russia, one day closer to health and russia" and it made me feel a little better...so when u r feeling low and wanna use..just repeat out loud, "one day closer to health and that lady going to russia!" Hee hee
thank u for your wonderful words..i'll be on all day, I need the suppot today!
Irish

[MrNewHope]

hehehe.... reading this just shows how genuine your thoughts are and it's certainly clear to me the message you're giving. You know a hell of alot more than you think you do.  Lots of people will definately relate to this.

Sorry everyone for putting fleetwood mac in your heads lol

[HarperOC]

Now u guys all got me listening to fleetwod mac i love it too, music helps so much through this, seriously, someone said make a playlist you really should--walk to it, listen in ur car, watever it does help

Also i hope u dont give up. i am on day 6 today its been he ll i wanted to give in many times i was at my breaking point and yes i no i still have a long long way ahead of me so i cant be really giving u advice other than just please keep trying. So many times i get this voice in my head that gives me all these reasons why i should say F it and use, and they like flood my head so fast that i could see myself  just impulsively saying ok and next second i am using. But i no thats not what i really want, and i dont think u either. its like u have to play it alll out, u cant just impulsively listen to ur thoughts, i no its hard thing to do but its helped me a little. Like ok ii want to use i will feel soooo good says my head. But i have to think if i call someone and get a few pills and do them i will feel good for a bit, but i will feel so guilty and upset with myself it would prob override the high, then my dealer would keep callng me, then id hve to tell everyone on here i relapsed, then id have to start over for my self. basically the longer i can play it out in my head the worse it sounds and the more it distracts me from those impulsive thoughts. also i literally had to write a list of reasons i needed to stop a few nights ago because when i thnk about using its like immediate and i had to visually see my reasons to stop cuz i couldnt even think of them when those thoughts of using hit i know lame. anyways im only 6 days sober, i know NOTHING but from my own experiences which is still basically NOTHING. so im sorry htis may have made zero sense. basically i was just trying ot say think of it as just your thoughts you dont have to act of them, they are only thoughts thts what i keep telling myself, again ive got 6 days i really shudnt be giving advice so im sorry if this annoyed you. basically i just really hope u dont give up and keep fighting for urself you are so worth it.

[irishann]

Hey gnarly! I read your post, and I think and think about why I got addicted and it started with my boyfriend doing one at work (lortab) like we were doing something fun and sneaky..it was like" our thing"...then one went to two and three...sometimes 6 or 8 a day (but not often cause we would run out), but I can't pinpoint why it got out of control...would AA or/NA help trying to figure out how I ended up such a mess?
oh..and since this has turned into a fleetwood mac sort of day...my life has turned into" landslide"  "im afraid of changing, cause i've built my life around you"..and that really doesn't refer to the drugs!

[MrNewHope]

Stevie Nicks just comes off as a woman with so much wisdom... could you imagine if she were a member on this site and posted for us? hehe

[gnarly_1]

HI.....welcome to the forum......many people who start this think the real battle is going to be with what the body goes threw physically.....although unpleasant it actually only represents about 1/3 of doing this the other 2/3 are mental/emotional and will bring you down hard and fast if your not prepared for them.....the only requirements to go to a N/A meeting is the DESIRE to get clean....you need to start to teach yourself the copping skills and learn the tools of how to stay clean......many a person has got to a week or 2 out and said ....'''what now'' and often fall back if not then within months trying to ''white knuckle'' your sobriety for nothing changes if nothing changes other then your a dry addict...it is the very way we think and reason that makes or breaks us as addicts we need to reprogram our brains once you surrender to the illness realize your powerless over it and accept the fact that the way you think needs to change you can start to recover...recovery is a process and it last a lifetime ...getting well or getting past 6 days requires work on your part but its not because the resources are not avalble to anyone both N/A and A/A are free you may have to go out of your comfort zone to go to one but I well bet you where WAY OUT of your cofort zone detoxing....now its time for step 2 aftercare it means making it or not for most everyone less then 10% of the people will be clean and sober a yr from now without it so become pro/active and put a program in place if nothing else just go and listen your not required to say anything......I wish you all the best with your recovery put some effort into it and you will make it out of this mess  good luck and God bless......Gnarly        

[dominosarah]

Make a list of all the things you have to be grateful for....you will be amazed at how many blessings you have in your life.  Get up, turn up the music and dance like noone is watching!

Speaking of Fleetwood Mac.....The lyrics that have always stood out for me is "Rulers make bad lovers, better put your kingdom up for sale"..........That was me and my addiction.  I had to get rid of my kingdom.

[tigerlily11]

That is a beautiful song! You have inspired me! I am hoing to get up listen to that song and do something! Dont know what, but atleast get out of this bed and try to get positive and thinking about my better tomorrows :)

[MrNewHope]

lol I'll be honest, the advice I gave you right there sorta stemmed from the lyrics of Fleetwood Mac's - Don't stop thinking about tomorrow lol

Play some happy clappy music real loud in the morning.  Katrina and the Waves - Walking on Sunshine is a good one too lol

Come on - it' won't hurt :p

If you wake up and don't want to smile,
If it takes just a little while,
Open your eyes and look at the day,
You'll see things in a different way.

Don't stop, thinking about tomorrow,
Don't stop, it'll soon be here,
It'll be, better than before,
Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone.

Why not think about times to come,
And not about the things that you've done,
If your life was bad to you,
Just think what tomorrow will do.

[MrNewHope]

The wd's find anything and everything to get you down, but you can't let it get to you.  Nobody has a sucky life and nobody has a perfect life.  You finally slept some last night?  I bet you wd's didn't want you to sleep at all until you gave in, but you finally slept a little, take it for what it's worth.  You were lucky to get some sleep and I hope it felt great.

I'm on day 6 and waking is a little hard.  I got about 3hrs of sleep but it was good sleep in my opionion.  As soon as I woke up I took a 5htp for my breathing or panicking, some ibuprofen for my aches, waited a couple of mins and took a multivitamin, vitamin C and a bunch of B vitamins.  It really helps.  It's the weekend, try to get out and get you mind some fresh air and or sunshine :)