Loosing hope...

[VicAddict26]

I went through the w\d process and i felt pretty strong,, now that i'm in the healing process, i'm feeling insecure and heartbroken,, when i started using pills it was at a major trama point in my life,, i have been through a lot of mental pain and now it is all flooding back, i really want to use again to make it go away,, i have a lot of memories that i should never have had to have, and talking to people about it kinda scares them,, i've always had to be the rock that held it together and now that i need help i feel let down,, these aren't things that i can just post about, but i need to get them off my chest, i've tried counceling and everything that he tried to teach me to cope i already knew,, he didn't relate and that made it hard,, i have someone that i have begun telling some of these things to but i think i've scared him off,, what do i do??

Broken Hearted

[VicAddict26]

Thank you for your words,, i'm not loosing hope, i'm just realizing how much more difficult this is going to be than i thought it was,, i may disappoint everyone but i still don't want therapy,, they tell me things i already know, i am an avid reader and the things that i have been through i know how to deal with but it's a long process,, aftercare i also don't want, yes i know, but i'm sorry if it was ever known that i even had a little problem with drugs i would never be allowed to do what i do in my life,, i have ordered 3 books to read on opiate addiction, addiction, and long term care of an addict,, i believe with the right tools i can do this,, i am ready, i don't want to be the one to relapse even once.. i have found support here, i have support at home, and with my best friend,, i have a sober partner who is not as involved in my life and is kind of like a therapist to me, i enjoy his company, i respect his words, and he gives me strength,, i believe i have a pretty good plan in place,, i know there will be moments when i want to use, but i know better... knowledge is the key, if we understand our problem and know the process in which it will play out, it is easier to go through with it,,,, sorry for the scare guys,,, i am going through a lot but i have made a promise that i will not use today and i will make that same promise for tomorrow...

Lisa

[sway1]

back when my blocked memories escaped during my long term rehab some years ago i saw a therpist who specialized in ptsd, addiction and abuse. i still exchange cards with him on the holidays. the 2 most important things i took from him were these, " so what!" and "what's the worst that can happen?"they may sound trivial, but to me they aren't. they can be as deep as the ocean. i have survived some hairy s***. but i did survive. that is not an accident. there is still something i have to do, and it is not reliving that mess over and over. it happened. it's over. let it be over. you ahve gifts to give. you have inner light. you have shown it on here many times. please don't move backward now. i need you here.  sway

[laurel453]

but do not give hope, as they have told  u the best way is through therapy or a doctor. you are talking about issues that can not be solved by finding someone to tell the things. you must be helped by a professional, vicaddict. if you don't feel cponfortable with one, search for another but i can't think of a better way .... good luck, anyway :)

[VicAddict26]

Yes i have been the psychiatrists,,, they don't tell me anything more than i already know about how to deal with my devistation,,, i don't connect with people very easily and if i don't connect i don't heal,,, and the treatments they want to give me is anti-depresants and anxiety meds,, those don't help me deal with it either, if i take those i don't feel, and i need to feel to move make progress,,,

[MysteryPrognosis]

avisg is right. You need to be in some form of therapy. NA is great and everyone is very supportive, but it sounds like you have some other deeper traumas that lead you to use. I think the new psychologist idea is probably the way to go. Someone that specializes in post traumatic stress. Have you ever seen a psychiatrists to discuss the potential of issues with anxiety, depression, or past trauma? Clearly you were self-medicating with painkillers, and you may still need medication. A psychiatrist could assess the issues you are having and potentially prescribe something to help you.

Ultimately, you don't want to try and take this on alone. And I think trying to be "the rock" all the time is what got many of us in these positions. I hope you reach out for help and get the care you deserve.

[avisg]

You have to find some recovery care that works for you whether it finding a new therapist or aa or na meetings SOMETHING it will help you make it threw these times .