Here I go for the hundrenth time...

[Ali1226172]

Hey everyone! How was everyones holiday??  I know holidays can be big triggers so hope you all stayed sober unlike me :(  This xmas was a really rough one for me and once again I turned to the only way I know how to cope..the pills!  I was really really trying to sustain from using but, i seem to be surrounded by this disease.  My cousins were high as kites at my family gathering and had a full supply of pills right there in front of me.  I was already in a weak state feeling the pain of spending another holiday without my sister,and there in front of me was the cure.  I was about five days clean and those pills looked like heaven that night n man oh man they were.  But, the next day I snorted a line as soon as I woke up and I still felt insanely depressed so I snorted another one and another one but, I could not find anything kind of happiness!  My entire family was fighting on chirstmas day and things still are not right around here.  Unfortunetly, my family consist of addicts and mentally ill people and my mother is catching onto it all.  Things have really spun out of control!!  My parents already lost one daughter to heroin addiction and now they see me falling apart and falling into a depression!  I can't live with this guilt and pain another second.  I don't want to hurt my mother and father I love them more than anything but, how do I deal with all this pain I feel every day!?? I really need your help guys! Every time I think I'm doing ok something goes wrong and I turn right to the pills!! Even though its the pills that are making everything upside down!! I'm caught up in this crazy vicious cycle of addiction and can't get out and it's tearing my entire family apart bad!!  My sister left us all to use her heroine and I started to use to cope with the loss of her (she was the closest person to me), and my other sister started using cocaine which has now spun out of control, my cousins are on pills...and my mother and father are about to drive off a bridge looking at how broken we all are!! Help me please...I am done with this ****!! I really don't want to see another pill again but, I can't even trust myself at this point! Part of me wants to check into a rehab but, I am paralized by fear!! I'm so scared that if I come out with all this it will just destroy my parents who have already lost one daughter! I am there "good child"... I am the straight A student, the hard worker, the one who does volunteer work, I am an angel in their eyes and silently I am dieing inside and I know they are starting to see it!! I've never been this scared in my life.... I need support bad!! <3 you guys! If anyone else is struggling like me, your not alone and, please stop using this stuff is the devil and it seems to sweet until it takes you life and destroys it!! I never believed the pills could hurt me cuz "I was in control"...well guess what it doesn't matter how smart, how level headed you are these pills WILL take over your life and destroy it!! We are powerless to our addictions and I am just not realizing it and want everyone to know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE AND YOU TOO ARE POWERLESS SO STOP WITH ME TODAY!! NOT TOMMOROW, NOT IN A WEEK, TODAY IS THE DAY WE MUST STOP NO EXCUSES CUZ THERE WILL ALWAYS BE A REASON TO USE BUT, IT'S BULL **** AND WE ALL NEED TO STOP !!

[Ali1226172]

I'm really ready to give this a shot once again....
I can't go into a rehab right now cause I am a student and really don't want to put off my education.  I am probably one of the most functional addicts around..I get straight A's in school, never miss a day and work my *** off.  Infact, the drugs have helped me succeed cuz I became "superwoman" but, now the drugs are finally taking their toll and working against me.  I thought it was the drugs helping me for so long but, all they did was hurt me in the long run.  Now I have my back up against the wall and am about to loose everything if I don't do this!! I just made an appoitment with a suboxone docotor and a therapist to talk to weekly about my addiction and mental health.  I also plan on attending NA meetings with a friend on wed nights! I'm really trying to get prepared this time to prevent a relapse cuz I am famous for relapsing after getting about a week clean I fall again and, the viciouse cycle takes hold for the hundreth time... I'm so sick and tired of BEING SICK N TIRED! I'm sure ya all know just what I mean!! Day one on sub (got a few from a friend till I can see me doc)...wish me luck! Much love to u all have a healthy sober new year!!

[stupidnamedude1]

It sounds like you are ready to commit. I think rehab can really help you deal with the underlying feelings that you are forcing down with the pills. We all have garbage that we bury within ourselves, and all the pills in the world won't make it go away, and the stench of the garbage will only get stronger. I think your parents will see you as being brave for facing the sickness head on and putting up a fight. I hope you can find the help you need. Good luck and keep in touch!

[gizzy32]

One question. Are you willing to get help? Fear holds us back from a lot of things, I remember being terrified to stop using, it didn't seem possible to quit, but it is when your truly ready. You said you can't live with this pain and guilt another second so come up with a plan once and for all or this cycle will continue. Family or not, being around drugs is too much for us and that has to change for you. Can you talk to your Mom about this, keeping it a secret keeps us sick. Keep posting and getting support, you don't have to live like this, but it's so much more than saying we want to quit, so much more. There are no excuses when we are ready to stop. Best of luck, I know you can do this:) Stay strong girl.