Addicted but need the meds?!?

[nocontrol]

Hello,
  I recently came to the realization that I have a problem with my scripted pain meds.  I've been on oxycodone for 2+ years and fentanyl for about 6 months.  As of late I have been abusing my pills.  I'm alloted 8 per day but found I was doing in excess of 16 a day.  Once I came clean with myself about this issue, I decided to tell my wife.  My wife is being very understanding and supportive about this and has taken control of my meds only giving me what I am to take and checking to make sure I don't take extra.  She bought a lockbox yesterday (because I found them in her hiding places, on purpose??  I say no, but who knows?!?!) and is keeping the key with her.  I called my psychologist for an emergency session yesterday and with my wife we talked about what needs to happen.  Which basically boils down to staying honest!  Today I got into my medical doctor and made him aware of these issues (who btw was very understanding and appreciative with my honesty).  We asked both the psy and the md if we are doing the right thing and they both said yes, they see no need for rehab at this time.  My wife and I both said if I try breaking into the lockbox rehab will be my next step, which I think is needed if we can't get this under management.  Notice I say management?  Will it ever be under control?  If 16 pills are sitting in front of me will I ever be able to control myself?  I will not be detoxing from the pain killers, so where does this leave me?  Am I just considered to be feeding my addiction?  At this time I can't really realistically stop taking my meds to to some back fractures that didn't heal properly.  I tried to come off them when a neurologist told me I'm probably experiencing opiate induced hyperalgesia.  during the time I was off the pills, I couldn't function due to severe pain.  So under the advice of my MD I went back on the pain meds.  How do I deal with the addiction while still feeding it?  I feel very lost and helpless right now!  I'm very angry that I have no control over my life!  Thanks for reading!!

J

[nocontrol]

I agree to an extent about pain being subjective, but for me at this time I don't feel that I can overcome the pain without the aid of narcotics.  I have so many other things going on that I feel it's just too much right now.  I also worry about the fact that my pain is progressively getting worse from ddd and arthritis on top of the fractures : (  I just feel doomed...  Life for me is not any more or less real with the meds.  If I don't take them I have to limit the things I love to do.  Things like hiking, biking, walking, playing with my dogs, working on the car, ect...  And I can't be as productive of a husband when it comes to $$..  Right now where I live it manual labor! I'm in school to help with this aspect, but I don't think I could work much if it weren't for the meds.  I'm not really trying to justify my consumption just pondering...  But then there is the otjer side...  Always thinking when can I take my next pill? The embarrassment or shame of being on the meds, the addiction! and all that stuff!.  Maybe down the road when a few less things are going on I will be able to come off the stuff, or if some of my efforts to combat the pain work..

I have done and still do things to fight the pain.  This all started 2 1/2 -3 years ago.  Not sure how but it did.  I did 2 months of pt but it seemed to make it worse and worse.  Only recently did a doctor listen to me and looked in the right area to find the fractures.  The last doc I seen thinks I might have been doing my 1st stint of pt while still healing, which just made everything worse!  I seen 4 or 5 specialists before I got any answers.  All I got from most docs was "you have ddd and arthritis, but you shouldn't be in much pain from it!  Come off the pills!!"  At that time I had control over my meds I wasn't addicted or abusing them.  FF a few years and I see the last doctor who finds the problems and says "sorry but the fractures are too old and your spine healed crooked, and I can't offer any real help."  He suggests PT again and tells me if it continues to get much worse come back and he might consider exploratory surgery.  This news is when the meds became an issue.  I guess I figured wth I'm f'd anyways and dove in had first!  But anyways I have seen 2 chiropractors, had epidural injections, now on my 3rd time in pt, use a portable TENS unit and am going to be seeing a acupuncturist soon.  

sorry if this post seems all over the place I just have too many thoughts right now..

btw I am the husband :)

thanks for the support!!

oh one more thing.  anyone think NA might help? seeing that I still take the meds I just don't know!

[122 Tactical Fighter Group]

It seems like OC said it all. I am also a chronic pain patient. And there still is just no good answer for chronic pain yet. I might suggest lidocaine transdermal patches (lidoderm) to try. You have already discovered that the narcotics will be self limiting because of several things. You might want to check out chiropractor - accupuncture - massage therapy - all kinds of other stuff. Hopefully your husband can get a program of PT and stuff going so that he only needs the narc's for brealthrough pain. Some work has been done with electrical impulses in different modes. A TENS unit would be one example of this approach. Different things work for different people. Hopefully you will find something soon. Good luck ......

[ochooked]

That's a tough call - and only you can make it with what you talked about with your wife and doctors --- the honesty issue.   I was in the same place with injuries --- after ten years, decided I wanted/needed to get off the Oxycodone and Oxycontin --  Pain is very subjective and in most cases (in my opinion) can be dealt with without narcotics - -  sort of 'damned if you damned if you don't' - -   I made the decision to stop although I had access to my DOC unlimited ---  I just realized that my whole life was wrapped up in my little pill bottle ---  plus every genuine emotion was filtered through a haze of narcotics.  The only way I could tell if I really needed as much opiates as I was taking was to come off of all of them and give enough time to see the underlying pain issues.  I sincerely hope you can make this decision based on what is really best for you and your family.  Drugs may sometimes be absolutely necessary but life without them is so much more 'real'.   I wish you the best - -- by the way, keep posting and let us know how you are and what you decide.  All the best.