Aa
Need some advice to help husband
Hello
As an ex user (started 35 years ago) I do understand why I chose to use and why I chose to stop. I have extended the hand of support to many over the years who have found it difficult to stop using. However, my husband is fighting a battle that has spanned over 30 years and I am at a loss as to how to help him. Which why I am here now asking for your help.
I think when we met as teens and during the first 10 years or so my daily use of street drugs then perscription drugs made it easy for me to ignore the fact that he too had a problem. Finally, for me it was the kids who gave me the incentive to change my ways, I never wanted them tainted by the nightmares I carried wiith me.
For my husband, its been a very long and painful road one he suffers in silence. He's a great man who to this day works hard to support us in everyway he feels he is supposed to. He's a tad old fashion in his beliefs regarding the family structure (you know, he wears the pants, makes the final decisions and all that). His struggles began in his early teens with booze. About 15 years ago after about 5 years combining booze and pain meds (for migrane headaches which were really hangovers) it got pretty ugly and he finally stopped the booze and the use of pain meds for "as the doctor said" chronic headaches got way out of control. At that time the doctors were rather free with narcs. so he was given a regiment of fiorinol, nerve pills, sleeping pills and several other mind altering meds.
He stopped drinking because he could no longer hide the smell of booze and the dumb things he would do while drunk. He assumed that with doctor perscribed meds he had control, could hide it and most important had a legitimate excuse to stay in a state of numb. Its becoming harder for him to hide as its a roller coaster of high and happy when he's got pills, down and in anguish because he wants to stop and out of control anger because he can't stop. He's pushing me away by directing all his frustration to me because I'm the only one who knows.
Were not kids anymore and I have to admit its becoming harder for me to understand why we have to live our lives around this addiction. I am sick and in real pain that is not going to get better. The doctors have given me some seriously strong meds that I can not take because #1 I want to play with my grandkids as long as I can and I want to do it without drooling lol. And #2 when he has taken his 2 week supply of meds in one week he takes mine and if they run out, it's hell around here. Thats not helping him I know I shoulld not enable but honestly I'm too damn tired to fight anymore.
I am not sure if he is punishing himself for the mistakes hes made while in a fog but I've told him get over it cause I have. Or is he punishing me because I can't help him. I have tried talking to him about it but that never goes well at all, I have assured him that there is nothing that we can't deal with but he won't talk to me. Honestly I am at a loss.
So boys and girls, there you have my dilema. Please if you have any advise on how to help him, help himself, Im all ears. And thanks so much for your time
mm
As an ex user (started 35 years ago) I do understand why I chose to use and why I chose to stop. I have extended the hand of support to many over the years who have found it difficult to stop using. However, my husband is fighting a battle that has spanned over 30 years and I am at a loss as to how to help him. Which why I am here now asking for your help.
I think when we met as teens and during the first 10 years or so my daily use of street drugs then perscription drugs made it easy for me to ignore the fact that he too had a problem. Finally, for me it was the kids who gave me the incentive to change my ways, I never wanted them tainted by the nightmares I carried wiith me.
For my husband, its been a very long and painful road one he suffers in silence. He's a great man who to this day works hard to support us in everyway he feels he is supposed to. He's a tad old fashion in his beliefs regarding the family structure (you know, he wears the pants, makes the final decisions and all that). His struggles began in his early teens with booze. About 15 years ago after about 5 years combining booze and pain meds (for migrane headaches which were really hangovers) it got pretty ugly and he finally stopped the booze and the use of pain meds for "as the doctor said" chronic headaches got way out of control. At that time the doctors were rather free with narcs. so he was given a regiment of fiorinol, nerve pills, sleeping pills and several other mind altering meds.
He stopped drinking because he could no longer hide the smell of booze and the dumb things he would do while drunk. He assumed that with doctor perscribed meds he had control, could hide it and most important had a legitimate excuse to stay in a state of numb. Its becoming harder for him to hide as its a roller coaster of high and happy when he's got pills, down and in anguish because he wants to stop and out of control anger because he can't stop. He's pushing me away by directing all his frustration to me because I'm the only one who knows.
Were not kids anymore and I have to admit its becoming harder for me to understand why we have to live our lives around this addiction. I am sick and in real pain that is not going to get better. The doctors have given me some seriously strong meds that I can not take because #1 I want to play with my grandkids as long as I can and I want to do it without drooling lol. And #2 when he has taken his 2 week supply of meds in one week he takes mine and if they run out, it's hell around here. Thats not helping him I know I shoulld not enable but honestly I'm too damn tired to fight anymore.
I am not sure if he is punishing himself for the mistakes hes made while in a fog but I've told him get over it cause I have. Or is he punishing me because I can't help him. I have tried talking to him about it but that never goes well at all, I have assured him that there is nothing that we can't deal with but he won't talk to me. Honestly I am at a loss.
So boys and girls, there you have my dilema. Please if you have any advise on how to help him, help himself, Im all ears. And thanks so much for your time
mm
"The people around me that held my hand? I walked all over and they were my greatest enablers. It was the people who showed me the way, gave me the opportunity and then went on with their lives in front of me who got me clean, if that makes any sense."
Actually, that makes complete sense. Sounds like I'm going to have to pull my hand away a bit huh. You know I believe that I have been trying so hard to protect him from the stigma attached to addiction, you know by not letting other people see him at low points. Thats not helping him at all is it. It's just hard to back away and let him fall on his butt.
Oh well.........next time he says, "What do you do when you live in a shoe", I'll tell him to buy some boots and kick some a**" Even if that a** is his own
thanks for the good advice IBKleen
Actually, that makes complete sense. Sounds like I'm going to have to pull my hand away a bit huh. You know I believe that I have been trying so hard to protect him from the stigma attached to addiction, you know by not letting other people see him at low points. Thats not helping him at all is it. It's just hard to back away and let him fall on his butt.
Oh well.........next time he says, "What do you do when you live in a shoe", I'll tell him to buy some boots and kick some a**" Even if that a** is his own
thanks for the good advice IBKleen
Thank you for the congrats, that is very sweet.
I am sorry but it is the diner hour around here so you are stuck with me until some other members finish stuffing their bellies...LOL
I can share with you my experience and that is there was no gentle nudge to get me moving. I had to hit bottom to get clean. The people around me that held my hand? I walked all over and they were my greatest enablers. It was the people who showed me the way, gave me the opportunity and then went on with their lives in front of me who got me clean, if that makes any sense.
I don't believe you are the problem and that sounds like your insecurity..don't do that to yourself. HIS addiction is not YOUR fault. Nor is it his fault. So let's get away from that. I do think that you will not be the one to help him though. You are way too close. It may take a serious bottom for him to get it. Like I said, that is usually what it takes.
At this point I can only suggest that you take care of you. Make sure that you are doing what you need to do in the way of taking care of yourself and the house or whatever. If you get wrapped up in his addiction the odds are that you will join him before he joins you.
I don't know if you are familiar with it or if this is something you feel that you may want to do but Al-Anon is a great group of people just like yourself that may be able to shed some light on this situation. Since most of the members here are the addicts themselves it is hard for us to step on the other side. Just something to think about.
In the meantime, be good to yourself and hang on here. It will pick up in a bit and others can share their experience with you. Hope to see you stick around.
I am sorry but it is the diner hour around here so you are stuck with me until some other members finish stuffing their bellies...LOL
I can share with you my experience and that is there was no gentle nudge to get me moving. I had to hit bottom to get clean. The people around me that held my hand? I walked all over and they were my greatest enablers. It was the people who showed me the way, gave me the opportunity and then went on with their lives in front of me who got me clean, if that makes any sense.
I don't believe you are the problem and that sounds like your insecurity..don't do that to yourself. HIS addiction is not YOUR fault. Nor is it his fault. So let's get away from that. I do think that you will not be the one to help him though. You are way too close. It may take a serious bottom for him to get it. Like I said, that is usually what it takes.
At this point I can only suggest that you take care of you. Make sure that you are doing what you need to do in the way of taking care of yourself and the house or whatever. If you get wrapped up in his addiction the odds are that you will join him before he joins you.
I don't know if you are familiar with it or if this is something you feel that you may want to do but Al-Anon is a great group of people just like yourself that may be able to shed some light on this situation. Since most of the members here are the addicts themselves it is hard for us to step on the other side. Just something to think about.
In the meantime, be good to yourself and hang on here. It will pick up in a bit and others can share their experience with you. Hope to see you stick around.
Yes you make a great deal of sense. Honestly, I don't know what the plan is to stay clean, I know what motivated me and I know what motivates me today but this guy, hmmm maybe I am too close to see the solution. Perhaps I'm part of the problem. The only thing I know how to do is love and encourage him. Obviously it's not enough.
I have asked him about getting help, but he's not there yet. He thinks he can do it on his own. Obviously there are issues he is unable to face and you know when I look back to when I quit/how I quit it was because I was able to deal with the issues that brought me to drugs in the first place. And that was because he listened and consoled and helped me look at the pain as an adult instead of feeling it as as child.
He was a kid when we met and he is now as he was then, quiet, strong outward manner, hard worker and deep down very gentle and kind. He certainly doesn't display the typical behaviours of a person with serious emotional baggage. Except the addiction. The only thing I can figure out is he comes from a long line of heavy drinkers and that was the norm.
Your right, I can't help him and I'm spinning my wheels here. So what do I do to give him that gentle little kick in the *** to get him to get help
BTW congrats on 3 years. Its good to wake up in the morning, look at yourself in the mirror and I'm good, life is good.
I have asked him about getting help, but he's not there yet. He thinks he can do it on his own. Obviously there are issues he is unable to face and you know when I look back to when I quit/how I quit it was because I was able to deal with the issues that brought me to drugs in the first place. And that was because he listened and consoled and helped me look at the pain as an adult instead of feeling it as as child.
He was a kid when we met and he is now as he was then, quiet, strong outward manner, hard worker and deep down very gentle and kind. He certainly doesn't display the typical behaviours of a person with serious emotional baggage. Except the addiction. The only thing I can figure out is he comes from a long line of heavy drinkers and that was the norm.
Your right, I can't help him and I'm spinning my wheels here. So what do I do to give him that gentle little kick in the *** to get him to get help
BTW congrats on 3 years. Its good to wake up in the morning, look at yourself in the mirror and I'm good, life is good.
Glad to hear he at least admitted it.
You can hold them for him and you can dole them out according to a taper plan. And then when he jumps off altogether you can be there to help him. But...and a big BUT...tell me what is different this time? What is the plan to STAY clean? All of us know how to get clean...we just don't know how to stay clean. So is his pride going to get in the way of doing that? If so you are going to wear yourself out trying to help him keep his ego in tact.
I know I sound a little rough hun but you have been at this a long time. It's time for some serious talk. He needs help and no offense, seriously, I do think you are the one to help him. First, you are way too close and second, you are not a professional.
Using drugs or alcohol or whatever is a symptom of the problem. We use to bury or numb our feelings. So when we stop using all of those feeling come flooding out and we soon find out that we don't have the tools that "normal" people have to cope with them. So what do we do? We keep using.
If he is willing to get professional help and get to the core issues, I think...NO, I believe...he has a very good chance of staying clean.
I just hate to see you put yourself through this mentally and emotionally to find it doesn't work. Am I making any sense?
You can hold them for him and you can dole them out according to a taper plan. And then when he jumps off altogether you can be there to help him. But...and a big BUT...tell me what is different this time? What is the plan to STAY clean? All of us know how to get clean...we just don't know how to stay clean. So is his pride going to get in the way of doing that? If so you are going to wear yourself out trying to help him keep his ego in tact.
I know I sound a little rough hun but you have been at this a long time. It's time for some serious talk. He needs help and no offense, seriously, I do think you are the one to help him. First, you are way too close and second, you are not a professional.
Using drugs or alcohol or whatever is a symptom of the problem. We use to bury or numb our feelings. So when we stop using all of those feeling come flooding out and we soon find out that we don't have the tools that "normal" people have to cope with them. So what do we do? We keep using.
If he is willing to get professional help and get to the core issues, I think...NO, I believe...he has a very good chance of staying clean.
I just hate to see you put yourself through this mentally and emotionally to find it doesn't work. Am I making any sense?
Hello and thank you
For me it was a little different I think he asked, I stopped. One day I was high and then I wasn't. It was a little painful but well worth it.
He has talked to me about it a few times and yes even admitted he had a problem and has said he wanted to stop the roller coaster. That is where it stops. He's not a talker, so telling a doctor or going to counselling is not something he can do. He's a proud man and to say out loud to anyone but me that he has a problem is admitting "in his words" that he's weak.
He wants me to help him so we go through the weening off the pills, through the DTs, all the pain and anger and he gives up. Usually he picks a fight to justify taking something. I have dumped more pills and booze than I care to remember but it alway ends up the same. Do I think he wants to quit? More than anything he wants his life back, he's just not able.
For me it was a little different I think he asked, I stopped. One day I was high and then I wasn't. It was a little painful but well worth it.
He has talked to me about it a few times and yes even admitted he had a problem and has said he wanted to stop the roller coaster. That is where it stops. He's not a talker, so telling a doctor or going to counselling is not something he can do. He's a proud man and to say out loud to anyone but me that he has a problem is admitting "in his words" that he's weak.
He wants me to help him so we go through the weening off the pills, through the DTs, all the pain and anger and he gives up. Usually he picks a fight to justify taking something. I have dumped more pills and booze than I care to remember but it alway ends up the same. Do I think he wants to quit? More than anything he wants his life back, he's just not able.
Hi & Welcome,
Through your own addiction you know you can not get clean for him nor can you push him to get clean nor can you ask him to get clean nor can you beg him to get clean and so on.
Has he talked to you about his addition? Has he admitted that he has a problem? If so, is he willing to do anything about it? Let's start there.
Through your own addiction you know you can not get clean for him nor can you push him to get clean nor can you ask him to get clean nor can you beg him to get clean and so on.
Has he talked to you about his addition? Has he admitted that he has a problem? If so, is he willing to do anything about it? Let's start there.
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