I have not had a perc since Saturday. I feel ok, as the w/d's came and (hopefully) went. This was the 1st time i weened myself down, and now - nothing. All my past attempts (three in the past yr), I stayed out of work for 3 days and basically did whatever i could to sleep thru it all. However, once I woke up from my 3 day 'coma'; i was right back where i started... My problem now: It wont leave my mind! Its almost like my brain is programed to believe, "if you want to get work done, take a pill", "if you want to focus, take a pill"... Im trying to inhale and exhale. Im trying to tell myself, i will be right back were i started if I get one. Then the devil sits on the shoulder and says, "just one"...
I sat and read my journal last night dated Dec 2008. I had entrys begging for strentgh to get thru this. One entry would say that I havent had a pill in days, then the next would say; I gave in! When i was reading and 1st saw that I quit (as i didnt even remember), I would get happy and confident. Then reading how i kept giving in, took my confidence away. I havent been able to STAY clean in so long. Why is now any different? I mean, I feel like im at a different place in my life. Anger comes to the surface - why am I supporting someone else by giving them all my money. I dont want them to have my money.. those sentences have helped (a little).
Im hoping someone can say something that will click in my already programed brain to just say No!!!