Aa
Day 8.
Well, here goes:
40 years old. Been abusing drugs/alcohol since 15. Bought it, sold it, traded for it, smoked it, snorted it, ate it, no needles (personal fetish). My 6TH attempt to get off roxys. My twin brother introduced me to them, he has had two major back surgeries and is prescribed but is also an abuser and is not using them for pain management. Same "cocktail" everyone seems to get, 120 30mg, 60 15mg, 90 2mg xanax. Wow, what a cocktail! He never has enough. I have plenty of money, well HAD plenty of money.
I have turned my back on ANY drug of choice, from pot to booze to ectasy to coke to pills....except for these little %^$&ers. NEVER had a problem stopping anything, one day I used the next I quit. Now, to be fair, I was only trading one for the next, went through various stages of abuse of one particular drug, along with my daily rations of pot and beer and of course...a xanax at night.
Today is day 8. I was a functional addict, have a semi soft-touch job that gives me plenty of wiggle room for time. Like most, I played the flu card. By chance, I had bronchitis a couple weeks ago, so it played well. 18 months I have dealt with this. My daily doses depended on how many I bought. NEVER less than 3 30mg (God forbid), 15 was great...but a little pricey, so I "settled' in at about 7 per day. Still $100 a day. No RX. No docs. Just street dope. The only way I know.
Cold turkey last Friday. I had two 30s left. I couldn't decide what to do with them. So I snorted one and got a can of some varnish and made a nice little paperweight with my last 30 in it. It sits on my desk to remind me what these things really do to you. I'm lucky, I hid it from everyone (except my bro, of course). I lost more than I can even recall, but know it is only going to get better from here.
Same old, same old. All the same symptons: ferocious diarreah, sneezing (my gosh how I sneezed (I snorted them)), forget about food, pukes, shivers, sweats, skin crawling....like EVERY single pore of my skin was a little tiny sucker and they were all just SCREAMING for more dope. Absolutely the most horrible feeling out of all the WDs and I really haven't seen it mentioned on here. Been lurking for days, just using this as a crutch to let me KNOW that regardless of how I feel, there are plenty more out there in worse shape...or better...which is what we all are trying to achieve. Still foggy as heck in the old brain, but everything else is under control. Except sleep. What I would do to sleep again.....it will come...in time.
To all of you who take your own personal time to address these issues: Don't think for one minute your words are not reaching the right person somewhere. They have here and I thank you! I was shocked at how many times I came back to these forums for some soothing this week.
I'm done with all of it. Lost my wife, lost my house, got to keep my dog though. ;) Bassett. She's a keeper. The rest? The wife was a winner, but I chose drugs over her. Still managed 13 semi-lovely years. Still got a great job, THANK GOD, so I never have that worry (27 years now, yes I started at 13 for those of you who can't add ;).
TO ALL YOU LURKERS: IT CAN BE DONE. YOU have to make the decision to stop. It ain't pretty, it ain't fun, it's hard as hell, but DON'T think it CAN'T be done.
I'm still a LONG way off, I am not stupid. I have relapsed 5 times already, but have never had this ultimate, burning, intense, resolve to get it done. At whatever cost. I paid my dues, this is my reward. A cold beer will still be nice. A little puff now and again. NEVER again with the opiate fog I've been living in for what seems like...forever. Been off all the other $%it for years, but still like to watch a SW Florida sunset on the beach with a cold beer and a litte pipe. Shoot me dead. After what I've been through, I'll happily buy from the Budweiser man.
Stolen from an old, old forum that I found Monday: "When you are going through Hell - Keep on going."
It's in my rearview mirror and I haven't the faintest desire to ever see it again.
Peace to all.
PS: Making this post was a LOT harder than I ever expected.
40 years old. Been abusing drugs/alcohol since 15. Bought it, sold it, traded for it, smoked it, snorted it, ate it, no needles (personal fetish). My 6TH attempt to get off roxys. My twin brother introduced me to them, he has had two major back surgeries and is prescribed but is also an abuser and is not using them for pain management. Same "cocktail" everyone seems to get, 120 30mg, 60 15mg, 90 2mg xanax. Wow, what a cocktail! He never has enough. I have plenty of money, well HAD plenty of money.
I have turned my back on ANY drug of choice, from pot to booze to ectasy to coke to pills....except for these little %^$&ers. NEVER had a problem stopping anything, one day I used the next I quit. Now, to be fair, I was only trading one for the next, went through various stages of abuse of one particular drug, along with my daily rations of pot and beer and of course...a xanax at night.
Today is day 8. I was a functional addict, have a semi soft-touch job that gives me plenty of wiggle room for time. Like most, I played the flu card. By chance, I had bronchitis a couple weeks ago, so it played well. 18 months I have dealt with this. My daily doses depended on how many I bought. NEVER less than 3 30mg (God forbid), 15 was great...but a little pricey, so I "settled' in at about 7 per day. Still $100 a day. No RX. No docs. Just street dope. The only way I know.
Cold turkey last Friday. I had two 30s left. I couldn't decide what to do with them. So I snorted one and got a can of some varnish and made a nice little paperweight with my last 30 in it. It sits on my desk to remind me what these things really do to you. I'm lucky, I hid it from everyone (except my bro, of course). I lost more than I can even recall, but know it is only going to get better from here.
Same old, same old. All the same symptons: ferocious diarreah, sneezing (my gosh how I sneezed (I snorted them)), forget about food, pukes, shivers, sweats, skin crawling....like EVERY single pore of my skin was a little tiny sucker and they were all just SCREAMING for more dope. Absolutely the most horrible feeling out of all the WDs and I really haven't seen it mentioned on here. Been lurking for days, just using this as a crutch to let me KNOW that regardless of how I feel, there are plenty more out there in worse shape...or better...which is what we all are trying to achieve. Still foggy as heck in the old brain, but everything else is under control. Except sleep. What I would do to sleep again.....it will come...in time.
To all of you who take your own personal time to address these issues: Don't think for one minute your words are not reaching the right person somewhere. They have here and I thank you! I was shocked at how many times I came back to these forums for some soothing this week.
I'm done with all of it. Lost my wife, lost my house, got to keep my dog though. ;) Bassett. She's a keeper. The rest? The wife was a winner, but I chose drugs over her. Still managed 13 semi-lovely years. Still got a great job, THANK GOD, so I never have that worry (27 years now, yes I started at 13 for those of you who can't add ;).
TO ALL YOU LURKERS: IT CAN BE DONE. YOU have to make the decision to stop. It ain't pretty, it ain't fun, it's hard as hell, but DON'T think it CAN'T be done.
I'm still a LONG way off, I am not stupid. I have relapsed 5 times already, but have never had this ultimate, burning, intense, resolve to get it done. At whatever cost. I paid my dues, this is my reward. A cold beer will still be nice. A little puff now and again. NEVER again with the opiate fog I've been living in for what seems like...forever. Been off all the other $%it for years, but still like to watch a SW Florida sunset on the beach with a cold beer and a litte pipe. Shoot me dead. After what I've been through, I'll happily buy from the Budweiser man.
Stolen from an old, old forum that I found Monday: "When you are going through Hell - Keep on going."
It's in my rearview mirror and I haven't the faintest desire to ever see it again.
Peace to all.
PS: Making this post was a LOT harder than I ever expected.
Ill be back. This place has been a Godsend this week. Looking forward to remembering my weekend. You have a great weekend.
This community has helped me more than I could ever articulate. I have taken so many drugs over the last nine years I thought I was destined for a life time of active addiction. But strangely enough I reached a point where the addiction just wasn't working for me anymore and I made the decision that this has to stop once and for all. With that mind set and this forum I've done really well this time. I get cravings once in a while but those are easily dismissed right now. I find that I'm actually questioning why I thought the drug use was so important to me. Because now that I'm clean and can sleep on my own and get through the day on my own steam power I feel better than I ever did on pills.
Hope to see you stick around and let all of us help you get through this. In the end it's so very worth the effort it's going to take. Good luck to you!
Hope to see you stick around and let all of us help you get through this. In the end it's so very worth the effort it's going to take. Good luck to you!
Thank you. You do the same. I have opened my eyes and will be back. I can't count how many times I have been here this week. Truly inspiring for those who need it. And I needed it bad.
It is not a question only community. I just thought maybe you had one. Glad to see you found your way here and glad to see you will be sticking around. There is a lot of good support here and the members are helpful. Enjoy your weekend!!
I didn't realize this was a question only forum, my 1st foray into these chatrooms as a poster. Why will I stay clean? Easy. Everyone has a bottom they hit before they have to face their own demons. I hit mine. One night out with my ex-wife, never going to resolve that, a pity but can't be changed, along with 12 roxys for four hours. I'm either going to kill myself or someone else. Been through both, lost a cousin young in a car wreck, lost a nephew to suicide. Nobody will do this for me, I have no doubt I'm done. I'll be around these forums, you'll see. I'm a M-F 9-4 EST guy, but I'll be back next Monday. Clean. And Sober. Not a doubt in my mind.
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