Aa
weird weird weird
so i stopped all meds last week. and didn't really get sick until Monday night. now I've done so many detoxing i have it down to a science. haha not funny...and when i was a pig on Thursday last week....took way too many pills i was like here we go again. and i said no. for the first time i was control. for the first time i could see my problem. I've got tons of them stacked on my plate...
1. my mom is in detox having serious sezoires.
2.acl reconstruction surgery no joke.
3.my inlaws went jerry springer on me.
and i went pill crazy on me.....so anyways i knew this was going nowhere fast. i want to do the right thing. i do. i want to not take meds wrong...but this time i was taking as prescribed til shiz hit the fan and splattered on me...and bama fell down the rabbit hole. and when my inlaws said the worst of the worst to me...i can't even think why a sane person would say and accuse such nonsenes men think of the worst accusation possible....the worst accusation possible...to you and your daughter ....its all lies from the devil. pure evil evil evil lies....truth is js mom and sister stole from us..and all we wanted was our money back...were avid coin collectors and have a collection worth 30. grand we paid for...we've collected coins since 1992. until 2004. every week or two we would buy some. and now that 30grand is worth alot....anyways when we were at our worst my husband put the coins at his mothers house.wrong bad choice. and we had borrowed a bit of money a couple months ago..and we paid it back and decided to move our coins to safety deposit box. well half our coins to were gone. gone gone gone.
all we wanted was our coins...wouldn't you? we bought these for our kids. and somebody stole them..when we asked please give back the coins they are for our kids...well accusations flew.and js sister went WILD. WILD...came over to the house and screamed at j. we had to call the cops...how embarrassing...and me who hates to argue...i will run instead of stand my ground...got super high. i couldn't believe my ears...i couldn't believe anyone. i was in a jerry springer show. she punched me..she punched me hard..she went to jail. had to. cops were there..they saw. all over coins. evil evil evil...
well when everyone left. her in cuffs. what did i do?? took 3oxycontin then gave j three. and then when that didn't work. three more a piece. so so sad.. i have a black eye hurt pride...child services to deal with...and my mom...guys i can't take this stress...no more. i am leaving. i am putting im a transfer at work..and moving away from all the toxic things....i have worked so hard to be a better person. i help everyone i can. and i get burned. then me being me...wants to get high. the pills are gone. detox is over and i am too hurt pride to speak to anyone..i am crying daily again..i can't take this type of abuse...j doesn't need it either. so i hope and pray i get thru today with no pills. i have more. in the safe. for p.t. but please ease pray for me. i felt so good turning the 90 day mark...i felt on top of the world
them all this happened
everyone blames me. me. am i such a piece of poo that everyone can poo on me and expect because im an addict.....which also was said because cops were called. that i deserve this?? i was accused of child neglect..alot of things
my husbands accusation is worst...he didn't do anything to his daughter...never touched her. and because j sister went to jail.
.well im to blame....our neighbors called the cops when she pushed me down. we j asked his mother and sister to leave...she pushed me hard...luckily i didn't hurt myself
but my pride is hurt. my heart is broken. and i am mad that i farked up...sorry i let you down. sorry to ramble on. i haven't been on alot. too embarrassed....now look at the mess .
life was alot easier on the pills in a way. at least when people accused me i felt like it was justified. now that i am cleaning up....its not worth it. we are all separated now until this sorts itself out...as you can see i don't make much sense. i just want to crawl in a hole and disappear
1. my mom is in detox having serious sezoires.
2.acl reconstruction surgery no joke.
3.my inlaws went jerry springer on me.
and i went pill crazy on me.....so anyways i knew this was going nowhere fast. i want to do the right thing. i do. i want to not take meds wrong...but this time i was taking as prescribed til shiz hit the fan and splattered on me...and bama fell down the rabbit hole. and when my inlaws said the worst of the worst to me...i can't even think why a sane person would say and accuse such nonsenes men think of the worst accusation possible....the worst accusation possible...to you and your daughter ....its all lies from the devil. pure evil evil evil lies....truth is js mom and sister stole from us..and all we wanted was our money back...were avid coin collectors and have a collection worth 30. grand we paid for...we've collected coins since 1992. until 2004. every week or two we would buy some. and now that 30grand is worth alot....anyways when we were at our worst my husband put the coins at his mothers house.wrong bad choice. and we had borrowed a bit of money a couple months ago..and we paid it back and decided to move our coins to safety deposit box. well half our coins to were gone. gone gone gone.
all we wanted was our coins...wouldn't you? we bought these for our kids. and somebody stole them..when we asked please give back the coins they are for our kids...well accusations flew.and js sister went WILD. WILD...came over to the house and screamed at j. we had to call the cops...how embarrassing...and me who hates to argue...i will run instead of stand my ground...got super high. i couldn't believe my ears...i couldn't believe anyone. i was in a jerry springer show. she punched me..she punched me hard..she went to jail. had to. cops were there..they saw. all over coins. evil evil evil...
well when everyone left. her in cuffs. what did i do?? took 3oxycontin then gave j three. and then when that didn't work. three more a piece. so so sad.. i have a black eye hurt pride...child services to deal with...and my mom...guys i can't take this stress...no more. i am leaving. i am putting im a transfer at work..and moving away from all the toxic things....i have worked so hard to be a better person. i help everyone i can. and i get burned. then me being me...wants to get high. the pills are gone. detox is over and i am too hurt pride to speak to anyone..i am crying daily again..i can't take this type of abuse...j doesn't need it either. so i hope and pray i get thru today with no pills. i have more. in the safe. for p.t. but please ease pray for me. i felt so good turning the 90 day mark...i felt on top of the world
them all this happened
everyone blames me. me. am i such a piece of poo that everyone can poo on me and expect because im an addict.....which also was said because cops were called. that i deserve this?? i was accused of child neglect..alot of things
my husbands accusation is worst...he didn't do anything to his daughter...never touched her. and because j sister went to jail.
.well im to blame....our neighbors called the cops when she pushed me down. we j asked his mother and sister to leave...she pushed me hard...luckily i didn't hurt myself
but my pride is hurt. my heart is broken. and i am mad that i farked up...sorry i let you down. sorry to ramble on. i haven't been on alot. too embarrassed....now look at the mess .
life was alot easier on the pills in a way. at least when people accused me i felt like it was justified. now that i am cleaning up....its not worth it. we are all separated now until this sorts itself out...as you can see i don't make much sense. i just want to crawl in a hole and disappear
How u today bama.
All my strength to u. Im not about much Im taking the step to divorce my husband. But will keep checking on u. Be strong my lovely x
Zoe
All my strength to u. Im not about much Im taking the step to divorce my husband. But will keep checking on u. Be strong my lovely x
Zoe
Hey Bama....don't disappear again for a couple days.... Stay here...we need you and you need us! The heat of the moment makes people do crazy things. I pray you are beginning to heal and I really want to see you get through this. You have to know it's not working this way. Time to change up and find something that will work. These are tough decisions to make and even tougher to follow. Pray for strength as we all pray for you as well! ;)
Bama, girl, I feel so bad for you. I am a basket case over the things going on at work. I know bad stuff happens to everyone, but good grief, why does it happen when trying to do better?! I'm praying hard for you. For all of us here struggling. I have a copy of Footprints and have been repeating the Lord's Prayer. As you can see, it is the wee hours of the morning and I am awake. I am supposed to go back to work in a few hours and the thought is just nauseating. I know that strong, feisty gal is there bama. Let's support each other. You, me, all of us. Yup, I know about toxic family and Springer-like episodes too. Come on here and vent as much as you need. I have needed you guys so much, and I have missed you. Also, anyone reading who may have pm'd me, I post from my phone and I promise I love you and will reply soon. I am the world's slowest texter.
Dust yourself off bama. Let's don't let these evil, toxic people win. Much easier said than done I know.
Love, blessings, and peace to you, and to all of us,
Minn
Dust yourself off bama. Let's don't let these evil, toxic people win. Much easier said than done I know.
Love, blessings, and peace to you, and to all of us,
Minn
Bama, so sorry about all that drama!! d a m n!!! and on the heels of a big surgery, pills in the house, all the ingredients for disaster for us addicts.
I surely can't and won't say that I wouldn't do the same thing (or worse)
if I were in your shoes. What I will say is that you have selflessly helped
countless people, including me, and I will unconditionally love you no matter what. Ricart said it best...the pills are working on your mind. You can, and you will recover from this. You are strong. Give your self some time to digest all this. get back to basics. I'm praying for you and your family.
I surely can't and won't say that I wouldn't do the same thing (or worse)
if I were in your shoes. What I will say is that you have selflessly helped
countless people, including me, and I will unconditionally love you no matter what. Ricart said it best...the pills are working on your mind. You can, and you will recover from this. You are strong. Give your self some time to digest all this. get back to basics. I'm praying for you and your family.
Bama I'm so sorry. What a horrible thing to happen. Please take care of yourself.
sent you an email sweetie! Needless to say I am pissed about what has happened and also was worried that you had not been around much. Now I know why. Keep the faith hon.
I'm so sorry you are dealing with all of this. My family is bat **** crazy so I totally understand "springerville". When you fall off the horse, pick yourself back up and get right back on.
I hope you find some middle ground, I hope you get a restraining order against the crazies. So many times we think moving away will solve everything to quote the Eagles "you thought your new life here would change you, but your still the same old girl you used to be" - I think they are saying you can change locations but until you make changes within yourself, whereever you go, there you are. I'm just sayin...........something to think about.
Don't do anything drastic right now, hold your ground and protect yourself but give a little time and make changes. I've watched you up and down through all this emotional stuff and my heart goes out to you.
Know I'll be thinking about you, I certainly won't judge you - as a girl who jumped from the frying pan into the fire too many times to count I just want to say, stop and take a big breath - no big decisions right now.
You can do this!
I hope you find some middle ground, I hope you get a restraining order against the crazies. So many times we think moving away will solve everything to quote the Eagles "you thought your new life here would change you, but your still the same old girl you used to be" - I think they are saying you can change locations but until you make changes within yourself, whereever you go, there you are. I'm just sayin...........something to think about.
Don't do anything drastic right now, hold your ground and protect yourself but give a little time and make changes. I've watched you up and down through all this emotional stuff and my heart goes out to you.
Know I'll be thinking about you, I certainly won't judge you - as a girl who jumped from the frying pan into the fire too many times to count I just want to say, stop and take a big breath - no big decisions right now.
You can do this!
Awwe, Bama, my heart is aching for you. I can't imagine the situation, in my wildest. I whole heartedly agree with Mike. Provocative statements, friend. Not a damn thing you can do to rearrange yesterday, so look at now, and the future. You have an amazing support system here, Bama. Please keep posting, let us help any way we can. I know Ive only been two weeks, but you have said many encouraging, inspiring words to me, which has beyond belief. You be strong. Please post again soon Bama. xoxo, s
hi bama. im sorry to hear about whats going on. you were there for me when i needed you and i am here for you. stay positive. you know what you need to do. Life isnt easy and theses pills only make it so much harder for peoplelike us. Clear your head and keep your eye on the prize, sobriety.
What a hot mess! Im so sorry for you Bama!
So you took pills. I guess you had to. The mind,body,and spirit can only take so much abuse. To escape that kind of pain is human...so you won't see me shaking a finger at you. I'd be a hypocrite...
One thing I'll say for now, don't make any major decisions. Take some time to calm down and heal. Keep your own family very close and draw from each other. You all need some healing right now.
So you took pills. I guess you had to. The mind,body,and spirit can only take so much abuse. To escape that kind of pain is human...so you won't see me shaking a finger at you. I'd be a hypocrite...
One thing I'll say for now, don't make any major decisions. Take some time to calm down and heal. Keep your own family very close and draw from each other. You all need some healing right now.
bama bama bama.......sorry you have so much trouble right now.This is your third relapse if I am counting right,not including the prescribed use.I think you should set your tracker back to 1 and start over.I don't really believe much in slogan therapy but to thine own self be true seems to come to mind. Get a restraining order on those freaks..who comes to your home and beats you up>wtf those people are never going to change and you would be best off removing them from your life-not removing yourself from theirs,ie geographical escape. I am not really sure of what your current medical situation is,i know you had surgery a few weeks ago but while these pills are in your system they are working on you.I have said this a few times.It is very easy to go from as precribed to as wanted.You know this. I hope you get better soon. as far as the legal issue and getting your coins back You could contact the closest coin shop in the vicinity of their house and you may get lucky and find them there and since they are stolen they are obligated to give them back if you are willing to press charges on these "people"
No spoon for u my lovely. Time to be treated gently. Just until your head is straight lol.
Truth is i let everything give me a reason to use.
So i would of done.the same. But we can't use it.
U have come so far. I sent u a message.
U have also never left my side and always told me as it is.
U r also on my admire list.
Mike u r one of a kind my friend with this relapse stuff. Majority of people find it so hard not to run back.at least once.
U have a very strong mind and understand where u coming from. But we can't all be so strong.
All love Zoe
Truth is i let everything give me a reason to use.
So i would of done.the same. But we can't use it.
U have come so far. I sent u a message.
U have also never left my side and always told me as it is.
U r also on my admire list.
Mike u r one of a kind my friend with this relapse stuff. Majority of people find it so hard not to run back.at least once.
U have a very strong mind and understand where u coming from. But we can't all be so strong.
All love Zoe
Bama...you cannot run away from this. I hear all that u are saying..believe me I do. I know you are hurting now and are all confused. But we always see people telling others to not hang around the same people and places as before. But with you, you want to move to be away from his family. As if that's the only trigger you have. And let me honesty answer your question....if I am stressed beyond belief and can't control it I still won't use. And I say that because I don't leave that option open for myself. I can't..I know what it can do bcause I saw what it did.
You need to work on you Bama andnot think leaving in 2 months is gonna fix this cuz it won't.
Talk to someone about this and get a workable plan for yourself.
To me if you are still taking opiates for pain and Taking more than prescribed at times then you are kidding yourself If you believe you are handling the situation.
Everyone here wants the best for you bama. I just rely would love you to want what's best for u too. And since you are so beaten up now (physically) then you probably need some meds to help but you need a doctor who knows all your history to be able to prescribe something to help.
It's no joke girl.....I watch you going up and down and you really need to find that middle ground and level off.
Talk to someone who can help....let us help u as much as we can....and make the toughest decision of all and come off these for good!
You need to work on you Bama andnot think leaving in 2 months is gonna fix this cuz it won't.
Talk to someone about this and get a workable plan for yourself.
To me if you are still taking opiates for pain and Taking more than prescribed at times then you are kidding yourself If you believe you are handling the situation.
Everyone here wants the best for you bama. I just rely would love you to want what's best for u too. And since you are so beaten up now (physically) then you probably need some meds to help but you need a doctor who knows all your history to be able to prescribe something to help.
It's no joke girl.....I watch you going up and down and you really need to find that middle ground and level off.
Talk to someone who can help....let us help u as much as we can....and make the toughest decision of all and come off these for good!
bama:
Just got home. First chance I've had to get to the forum. I can't comment about family - we've all got em and we all have to deal with them the best we can. I can comment about slipping - you and I are still in the early stages of recovery. What happened to you came at a bad time...You took more than you should have, and in all honesty, I probably would have too.
You know that you shouldn't beat yourself up over this. Try to remember all of the help and support you've given to people like me. I won't forget.
You are on my list of people I admire -
Just got home. First chance I've had to get to the forum. I can't comment about family - we've all got em and we all have to deal with them the best we can. I can comment about slipping - you and I are still in the early stages of recovery. What happened to you came at a bad time...You took more than you should have, and in all honesty, I probably would have too.
You know that you shouldn't beat yourself up over this. Try to remember all of the help and support you've given to people like me. I won't forget.
You are on my list of people I admire -
i have a house in saint Pete. that's where im from...my husband and i need to have a quite life..i will never forgive his family....never. and i won't give the pleasure of hurting me or my kids again... i promise. this was the straw that broke the camels back
so if we move...no triggers like that?? right?? a change of location will do me good. im putting in a transfer to Tampa...no more Alabama....before i came here i was good. then i met crazy to the crazy....i will be ok.
i meant to say calms down...the good thing was his sister had so many illegal pills on her during the arrest...she's looking at serious time. before i moved to this state...before i knew j family i never knew crazy existed omit this level......and mike if someone accused you of messing with your daughter.....can you say you wouldn't use?? maybe you would want to run too. this is a mess .....but i am doing ok. im not gonna let those people and pills win...we all fall down. we all stand up. so??? yes i farked up...but just for a second. stand in my shoes for a minute please...and tell me what to do?? i have bruises head to toe. i was pushed down while i had my leg braced...i was hurt in the worst kind of way. and yes it was stupid to take all those pills. but come on. give me a break...can you honestly say that you could get your azz kicked while in my shape and have meds in house and not gonna use more than you should have? this is complex...i went to er by ambulance. my daughter had it on tape....j sister pushed and hit me. and zoea konk me with my spoon heck I've got a concusion so one more wack for me won't hurt.
i agree with that statement mike...were moving. after all this calls dowm...but keep in mind i got my azz kicked physically...i am black and blue all over. went to er ...i understand what your saying...that's why i am not using. i didst ask them to come over....i was home and they came to me. i have restraining orders. its a mess....but yes mike i decided to get high. and that was the wrong thing to do. but damn it. i am done with the whole mess....i am moving out of state in may...i have to get all the toxic things people and places...we are talking serious accusations mike..
seriously i am bruised from head to toe...and the tragic figure is my daughter...she witnessed the whole thing...so i will stand up. dust myself off. and move it forward....i get the boundaries..i do. and yes i gave them power over me. this changed everything....everything...imagine being home in a brace and your inlaws show up and kick your azz in front of the neighborhood....it hurt.
seriously i am bruised from head to toe...and the tragic figure is my daughter...she witnessed the whole thing...so i will stand up. dust myself off. and move it forward....i get the boundaries..i do. and yes i gave them power over me. this changed everything....everything...imagine being home in a brace and your inlaws show up and kick your azz in front of the neighborhood....it hurt.
bama. I agree with mike. U r letting a situation control u. Now u know u must control the situation. U.know Im a bit the same.
U need time to get back and start remembering basics. U need time to rest and get strong again.
It done and over as u say. Start over.
U can do it for sure.
Love Zoe x
U need time to get back and start remembering basics. U need time to rest and get strong again.
It done and over as u say. Start over.
U can do it for sure.
Love Zoe x
Bama that's some hard sh*t you're going through right now! No doubt about it. Before I talk nice let me tell u something that might not be so nice to read ...in spite of all the stress and dramas in your life you always give yourself the 'out' to use again if it gets to be too much. And you consistently give people the power to control what you do in your life. The lines that we as mature people draw around us are not intended to be crossed. You draw your lines way, way too close to your feelings and emotions thereby letting anyone in with a few harsh words.
I can't do that Bama! I refuse to allow people on the outside to play with my emotions and get me to react certain ways that I don't want to act. Because if u really don't want to use then u would create a situation that helps you to achieve that.
I know from what you said in the past that there are so many issues involved , especially those dealing with pain....but you are creating more pain for yourself.
It's never anyone else's fault when we use! And although you dotake responsibility for it , the one thin you aren't doing is making real and concrete plans how to deal with those trigger situations. Cuz that one you just explained was a classic trigger situation.
Bama you help so many here (me included) but take some time to help yourself! You need this and you want this so bad I know! Serious changes need to be made for this work otherwise the cycle continues. Do it because it's what you want and need for yourself!
I can't do that Bama! I refuse to allow people on the outside to play with my emotions and get me to react certain ways that I don't want to act. Because if u really don't want to use then u would create a situation that helps you to achieve that.
I know from what you said in the past that there are so many issues involved , especially those dealing with pain....but you are creating more pain for yourself.
It's never anyone else's fault when we use! And although you dotake responsibility for it , the one thin you aren't doing is making real and concrete plans how to deal with those trigger situations. Cuz that one you just explained was a classic trigger situation.
Bama you help so many here (me included) but take some time to help yourself! You need this and you want this so bad I know! Serious changes need to be made for this work otherwise the cycle continues. Do it because it's what you want and need for yourself!
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