Aa
How bad did I screw up?
Hello all. I have made a mistake, probably a classic one, but I feel like the worst person anyway....I'll make my back story brief...looooooved Percs for at least 10 years, beginning off and on, but after my second child (c-section) and a military injury (broken parts), I had the "greatest" doc ever! She would prescribe 240/month and I had my second doc giving me 90. Still not enough. The withdrawals were so bad off and on for more than a year until I got caught in my game and my husband gave me the ultimatum. July 2011, I began methadone and have now tapered to 3mgs...I should be done, finally, after two long years! But...I had my wisdom teeth pulled Friday. Hurt like hell and of course, the nice dentist prescribed Vicodin. My husband kept them for me, locked in a safe and was more than reluctant to give them to me at all. But of course, I'm persuasive when it comes to pills and got them. I ACTUALLY thought I could handle this. One, two a day...I told him to flush the remainder yesterday, but he didn't. He keeps the key with him, but today while he was napping, I swear I can't honestly tell you what possessed me, I snuck his keys, opened the safe and took out three more. "Just to have in case". He caught me coming down the stairs and quickly after went to check. He came downstairs and asked me if I took some and I got mad! Mad?!?! Asked him why he lied to me?!?! Ugh! To try and remedy my guilt, I grabbed his keys, got the bottle and flushed them. But not before taking just one more....needless to say, things are uncomfortable here. So, everything is fine in my life, low stress, etc...What in the world possesses me? I can't even explain the guilt I feel, but I know if I still had them in the safe, that wouldn't stop me from sneaking more. Why, after two years is this so hard? Now that I've run out, will I have to deal with withdrawals again, because those things are life-changing! Any ideas where to go from here? Thank you for any advice you can offer....I feel terrible inside.
I hope you drop as low as you can on the methadone before you stop.
Many have come off with little withdrawal when they do that.
As for the vicodin, your actions make perfect sense to me. If I'm around them, they call my name and I would search and search until I found them.
I wouldn't steal a dime off of someone but I would steal their pills. Shameful thing to say but I would. I haven't yet but I have searched.
Don't beat yourself up. They're gone now and you can concentrate on your recovery. You have a husband supporting you. Be honest with him and tell him how hard it is for addicts to be around pills. Hopefully he will understand.
Good job on the flushing.
Many have come off with little withdrawal when they do that.
As for the vicodin, your actions make perfect sense to me. If I'm around them, they call my name and I would search and search until I found them.
I wouldn't steal a dime off of someone but I would steal their pills. Shameful thing to say but I would. I haven't yet but I have searched.
Don't beat yourself up. They're gone now and you can concentrate on your recovery. You have a husband supporting you. Be honest with him and tell him how hard it is for addicts to be around pills. Hopefully he will understand.
Good job on the flushing.
I was I n a 30 day rehab in 09 and at the time they were bringing in a lot of military guys for rehab and adjustment. I could,nt believe what these guys were telling me. the military was basically maxing these guys and gals out with ungodly amounts of Percocet .oxys I mean handing them out like candy. seems like they should realize the prblems their creating. this is a disservice to our brothers and sisters in the armed forces. (just my opinion)
I wish I could tell you more when you drop down from 3 to 1 if you are gonna have w/ds you should feel them somewhat when you drop from 1 to none that will definitely tell you. weaver who is well versed in methadone should be able to tell you exactly what you need to hear. he post lots of good post and he was a methadone addict. methadone stays n your system a lot longer than most opiates. but your strong you can handle it you,ll be the better person for all on the other side. peace out!!!!!
And to correct my post, it has been three years on methadone, I'm terrible at math obviously...
So, I get the lovely withdrawals to look forward to now? Yeah. They told me that with tapering, I shouldn't have them. Any idea what I can expect? I'm in school ft and cannot afford to take off...strangely enough, i was sick with the flu (now I wonder) when I dropped from 7-5mgs. But it was gone in about four days...I didn't have any issues coming down to three. This *****. :(
you are gonna have to detox from the methadone and its a lot worse than the percs you were talking about. your drs. did you a disservice by putting you on methadone to start with in my opinion. methadone is for all intents and purposes synthetic heroin. originally used to treat heroin addicts. withdrawals are a lot more intense and it takes longer to get out of your system. if an addict like myself or you are going to survive we will have to live a life full of aftercare n/a a/a is crucial to staying clean. I think its something like maybe 2 or 3 out of 10 will actually stay clean. I found when I had long runs of clean time it was because I was working a program weekly if I ever slacked off that's when I would start to get in trouble. find you some n/a meetng to go too shop around until you find a group you like and then stick with it. that's gonna be your salvation. peace out!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you guys for the recent, great advice. To answer some questions, I am currently still on methadone at 3mgs and dropping to one mg in less than two weeks. I was always very good at following the program, went through terrible withdrawals prior to beginning methadone from Percs (over and over and over, as I'm sure we all know) and sadly, the current counselor I have never has ever even mentioned anything about after care when I am done with the methadone. I never even considered it. After this one time incident (hopefully) I now know I will never be anything but an addict, clean or not, no matter how long it's been...i do have a very good husband, but no, I have not apologized for the incident. In fact, it has been largely ignored due to friends visiting for the holiday. I can still feel the tension though.
I think that going down in my methadone has been a very stressful thing and it weighs heavily on my mind. I noticed though that since no one else in my life treats this closing chapter of opiates as anything but an end, I came to believe it would be that also-an end. Not having to be sick anymore or having to deal with the weekly burden of the clinic. I noticed in my original passage that I failed to mention how I did suffer some pretty serious lingering injuries in the Army, and that is also always a concern for me-how I will deal with the pain I'm the future. For now, I am trying to find a better mental understanding and position on why I began to relapse.
I'm proud of the small victory, being able to actually flush the remainder of the pills I had ( minus the one). There have been opiate pain meds in the house for my husband and I never so much as craved them, but when I allowed myself ONE pill, it turned into 12. Not all at once, over 5 days, but still. I now know it is an absolute. I cannot even have ONE. Having this advice here has been more helpful than I can possibly thank you all enough for though. Thank you thank you!
I think that going down in my methadone has been a very stressful thing and it weighs heavily on my mind. I noticed though that since no one else in my life treats this closing chapter of opiates as anything but an end, I came to believe it would be that also-an end. Not having to be sick anymore or having to deal with the weekly burden of the clinic. I noticed in my original passage that I failed to mention how I did suffer some pretty serious lingering injuries in the Army, and that is also always a concern for me-how I will deal with the pain I'm the future. For now, I am trying to find a better mental understanding and position on why I began to relapse.
I'm proud of the small victory, being able to actually flush the remainder of the pills I had ( minus the one). There have been opiate pain meds in the house for my husband and I never so much as craved them, but when I allowed myself ONE pill, it turned into 12. Not all at once, over 5 days, but still. I now know it is an absolute. I cannot even have ONE. Having this advice here has been more helpful than I can possibly thank you all enough for though. Thank you thank you!
Look up Addiction in a more Logical Scientific way as well as getting to those meetings. We have a Mid brain-survival part that will ALWAYS remember the pleasure if we feed it just one or go around any triggers at all.
I am a bit confused here..Are you still on the Methadone?? Methadone is a drug and if it is still in you, then you have not yet to feel how it is to come clean. There will be the Physical part and then the Mental. The mental to be was my worse, as I was on the other opiates before I got my methadone prescribed for pain for over 12 years. This is a slow process that takes time and patience as we go through many stages. We also have to make many changes on the way..This is a WE thing and Support is the Key to Recovery..I wish you all the best.
Bless
I am a bit confused here..Are you still on the Methadone?? Methadone is a drug and if it is still in you, then you have not yet to feel how it is to come clean. There will be the Physical part and then the Mental. The mental to be was my worse, as I was on the other opiates before I got my methadone prescribed for pain for over 12 years. This is a slow process that takes time and patience as we go through many stages. We also have to make many changes on the way..This is a WE thing and Support is the Key to Recovery..I wish you all the best.
Bless
what would have happened had your hubby not caught you???
i know you told HIM that you were checking to see if he had thrown them away, but i think you and i both know that wasn't true. have you fessed up to him yet and apologized for getting mad at him for 'lying'???? not that you have to, just think it would be the right thing to do.
i think it is GREAT that you were able to stop taking the pills, but on methodone you really were not 'sober'. maybe this was a good thing because you know now that you still have no control of your addiction?
i hope you have a plan in place for stopping the dones. if you haven't (sorry, have not read every post yet. i am bad about that) i would start looking for meetings that you feel very comfortable at. some are better than others even though they are all teaching the same principals. some women prefer all women meetings at first. you are vulnerable when you first start attending and do not need to worry about that.
anyway, start finding one now and hopefully you will go ahead and take the leap.
did you actually experience withdrawals even though you were taking methodone? i think i would be prepared to go through some even though you are only taking 3mg.
do a search on this site for 'thomas recipe' and try and get what you can on his list. it won't be easy and withdrawal free no matter what, but getting your life back is worth it. i would not even fill any opiate script from here on out. like someone else said, tell your doctors, dentists, etc so they do not even put you in that position. you did what any addict would do, so avoid it at all costs.
sounds like you have a great marriage and have a lot to lose if you don't beat this monster. you got this
i know you told HIM that you were checking to see if he had thrown them away, but i think you and i both know that wasn't true. have you fessed up to him yet and apologized for getting mad at him for 'lying'???? not that you have to, just think it would be the right thing to do.
i think it is GREAT that you were able to stop taking the pills, but on methodone you really were not 'sober'. maybe this was a good thing because you know now that you still have no control of your addiction?
i hope you have a plan in place for stopping the dones. if you haven't (sorry, have not read every post yet. i am bad about that) i would start looking for meetings that you feel very comfortable at. some are better than others even though they are all teaching the same principals. some women prefer all women meetings at first. you are vulnerable when you first start attending and do not need to worry about that.
anyway, start finding one now and hopefully you will go ahead and take the leap.
did you actually experience withdrawals even though you were taking methodone? i think i would be prepared to go through some even though you are only taking 3mg.
do a search on this site for 'thomas recipe' and try and get what you can on his list. it won't be easy and withdrawal free no matter what, but getting your life back is worth it. i would not even fill any opiate script from here on out. like someone else said, tell your doctors, dentists, etc so they do not even put you in that position. you did what any addict would do, so avoid it at all costs.
sounds like you have a great marriage and have a lot to lose if you don't beat this monster. you got this
Isn't it sad that after all that clean time our addicted brain kicks in at such a high speed?. That's scary to hear... Pick agree with weavers whole survival thing. Our brains and body are wired to think we need them to survive. That's why withdrawls are the way they are.
If I read your post correctly.. Your going down to one mg? That could have been a trigger too. You know that it's coming to an end. And that awakens a primal fear.... If that makes sense.
The worst part of this disease is how it affects the people in our life. I'm sorry about the incident and your husbands reaction. Have you both considered counseling together? Does he go to an allon or another type of program?
Take this as a learning experience. It goes to show that you can't handle your meds. It takes a lot of courage and reflection on why we can't have these things... And we all know as humans how we react to things we can't have. And addicts are control freaks underneath, and we also are used to getting our way, and and and....the
It's goes on.
You need to treat this as a relapse.
And I don't think you should have problems with withdrawls as it wasn't enough days and your taking methadone.
Please find some aftercare and keep us posted.
If I read your post correctly.. Your going down to one mg? That could have been a trigger too. You know that it's coming to an end. And that awakens a primal fear.... If that makes sense.
The worst part of this disease is how it affects the people in our life. I'm sorry about the incident and your husbands reaction. Have you both considered counseling together? Does he go to an allon or another type of program?
Take this as a learning experience. It goes to show that you can't handle your meds. It takes a lot of courage and reflection on why we can't have these things... And we all know as humans how we react to things we can't have. And addicts are control freaks underneath, and we also are used to getting our way, and and and....the
It's goes on.
You need to treat this as a relapse.
And I don't think you should have problems with withdrawls as it wasn't enough days and your taking methadone.
Please find some aftercare and keep us posted.
JIFMOC, I can't sleep. Go figure...I think I agree with you tremendously. I like to consider myself smart and reasonable, but that's just not the case with any part of my addiction...somehow I thought I could END the addict part of myself. I never truly considered NA meetings, but now am thinking about them in a whole new light, thank you for your advice!
I'm up late reading these posts and something just hit me. Your guilt and self-disgust w/ your hubbie "catching" you is a BLESSING. That is the kind of stuff (consequences) that makes us closer to wanting out of the using life. The total self-loathing, anger, disgust, guilt, shame for me, the more it piled on, the closer I got to quitting. So, this is another "brick" that is piled on. Notice how SO much has to happen to us before we are sick of it? So this is good, in my opinion.
Oh, btw, aftercare would be considered AA or NA meetings, hanging and listening to other recovering addicts etc. Some folks have other things but I'm w/ Saspan on this one:)
Oh, btw, aftercare would be considered AA or NA meetings, hanging and listening to other recovering addicts etc. Some folks have other things but I'm w/ Saspan on this one:)
hopefully soon you will be free from the methodone. I think some of these drs. are doing a disservice to their patients. my opinion is the methodone is worse than what they were trying to get you off of in the first place. that's only my opinion. like you my first experience was Percocet after a car wreck. before that I was alcoholic for sure ,but after I started taking the pills I layed the alcohol down and transferred my addiction to pills .its a hard road you know that as well as any. the only way I could start to get better and stay clean I had to tell every one I was an addict. doctor, family,pharmacist. friends,you,ll be surprised how they will support you.my family went to counseling along with my treatment and were very supportive.hope you find what your looking for its out there .one day at atime peace out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
we have 2 n/a/ meetings a week in my town. lots of a/a/ meetings I go to at least 2 of them a week . one group I go to go on trips occasionally for fun and fellowship.that I think is the only thing I can count on to be normal.god knows I tried everything else. peace out!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm curious, what does your aftercare consist of? Meetings? Outings?
I,m a firm believer that aftercare is the only way I can live a full enjoyable life. I was clean for 2 years I was going to n/a a/a meetings weekly, hanging out and going on sober trips with my peers. well guess what ? I thought iwas suddenly cured ,slacked off my meetings till eventually I was doing no aftercare at all. within a short time I had relapsed. started out oh I can handle one or two, before I knew it I was as bad or worse than before.this time I know what I have to do. that's the only way I know to stay clean. one day at a time! peace out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
JIFMOC, you raise a great point.. We have all these examples on how people have relapsed, progressed and died, very quickly, and yet I still find myself thinking, "I'm stronger than that"...very counterproductive, as you've said. Ugh! What a fine mess we've gotten ourselves in, huh? :) just keep moving forward, I guess. I never considered aftercare after I stopped methadone, so I am very grateful for the advice on here. Great ideas.
Just wanted to say I read all the responses just now and I am very new in serious aftercare (meetings everyday, on here a lot etc.) and I had that "you mean I can never have any of it again???" thought. Which I know is counterproductive but I thought it anyway. So I totally get your thinking. Then I thought of Phillip Seymour Hoffman and get totally freaked out: 23 years of sobriety and back on pills to heroin to dead. Point is, I guess he is an example to me of that thinking "maybe I'm okay to use just a little now." Anyway, glad you keep posting.
Thank you...I think that is a very real possibility thinking more on it. My two years is July 28th, right around the corner. Just this morning, I found out my dose is down to one mg in two weeks...scary! I always thought I was strong enough to control my addiction and I think I wanted to see if now that so much time has passed, I could be strong enough again....the answer is hell no, don't trust me! :) it's a lot to think about, but I found some great extended care this morning with my counselor.
I think you are feeling nerves from the last of your taper. I have noticed any major transition is scary. I have seen people freak out at the - and 2 yr clean dates a lot. Your dose is getting low and emotions are likely coming back. Dealing with feelings has been major for me. I used subs to get off methadone, so I am similar in that way, without another drug to help me stabalize, I would be dead today. I also know my feelings didn't come back all the way until awhile after I was off everything. I mean months. Maybe your counselor can tell you more local ways to get support for this final part of your taper. I like CBT personally, but I have seen a strong pattern over the years. Those with the most aftercare seem to be the ones who make it most often. I found the stash my wife was hiding for me too, it feels horrible, but our relationship keeps getting better and better now I am clean. You will see, just keep moving forward and make sure you can't get any more, because willpower is not enough.
I have been tapering off of methadone for a year now, but you would be correct, I went right from one to the other...
Thank you all and to answer your questions, yes. I do know I am an addict. I did go through pretty intense therapy but when I moved states, the same kind of care was not possible. However, I spent about a year at it. I have a counselor now that checks on me, but is not too involved. I actually thought I could maybe handle "just Vicodin" until the tooth pain was gone....but when I caught myself falling into the old behavior, I knew they had to go. The worst part is the disappointment now written all over my husbands face. They are all gone now, no possibility of more. The methadone was a life saver for me. Without beginning it, I'm quite sure I wouldn't be here writing this. I'm just now wondering if maybe knowing that I am so close to being off of methadone and being a little nervous about it, maybe that's why I tried just one???? I'm not real sure, but reading posts in this forum have helped me so much. I don't think I was gonna truly face this....
If you are counting 2 years on methadone clean and haven't worked therapy, 12 steps or recovery, then you have 2 years sober, but have been clean since you quit methadone IMO. I am a methadone addict, so I am too aware of it being a much stronger opiate than Perc's. I may have read your post wrong, but you you are still taking 3 mgs methadone, you haven't detoxed from opiates completely yet. I highly suggest aftercare. Even at 3mgs, methadone has an uncomfortable detox.
Most of has have used extra after promising ourselves we wouldn't. Our brain treats drugs as essential for survival, it will block reason and consequences to get drugs. This is scientifically proven now, we actually lose control, so that is why meetings, therapy, and help are essential.
Most of has have used extra after promising ourselves we wouldn't. Our brain treats drugs as essential for survival, it will block reason and consequences to get drugs. This is scientifically proven now, we actually lose control, so that is why meetings, therapy, and help are essential.
Your an addict you have a disease thats why have u tried after care?
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