My wifes drinking makes me angry. How do I cope?

[confusedangry]

I need help with two things... How do I know if my wife has a drinking problem? How do I cope with my own anger over her drinking?
I have been married to my wonderful wife for over 13 years. She is beautiful and kind. Everyone who knows her loves her. My wife left her career when the kids were born and our two daughters are now ages 11 and 13. I love my wife and kids dearly.  My wife is a stay at home mother and does so many things for the family that it makes me wonder if I should shut up and just be grateful for her consenting to marry me. I have no basis to decide if I am overreacting to her drinking and I have no way to determine if I am actually the root of the issue. However, one thing is perfectly clear; I have a problem with my wife’s drinking. When she drinks, I get angry.
She drinks a bottle of wine 4-5 nights a week. Once or twice a month she will open a second bottle, although, she doesn't do this as often as she has in the past. She buys bottles of wine several times a week and seems to plan trips to the supermarket to get herself a two or three day supply. If we run out of red wine, she drinks white wine. If we run out of white wine she drinks beer or a mixed drink. She packs beer and wine when we go on trips so she has it for the hotel room. When we go to dinner she has wine. I’ve noticed that she won’t go to a restaurant where she can’t get a drink.
During social events like weddings, family gatherings, and dinner parties she always drinks enough to slur her words, talk louder than most folks and be a bit unsteady on her feet. It usually takes 1 bottle of wine to get to this point. (This also happens to be the same state she is in during some weekday dinners in our own house.) This is the point where I begin to notice that other people have begun to notice that she is drinking quite a bit. I begin getting uncomfortable while I wait to see if she stops drinking.  If she drinks more than 1 bottle then the situation gets worse quickly.
Somewhere towards the end of the second bottle I become really embarrassed and want to escape. At this point she is talking louder than anyone at the gathering, broken out in a visible sweats and has become the center of attention.  If the host is serving coffee and desert, my wife will still be drinking wine.  Her behavior is clearly driven by the alcohol. Most folks at the event are aware and I begin to get looks from every direction. This is the point where I know that she will not slow the drinking and we are in for a long night. Beyond this point she will drink steadily until it is time to leave. I can’t remember her ever switching to water. It’s hard to generalize her behavior at this point other than to say that she will be the drunkest person at the wedding, dinner party or gathering. Throughout this entire period I have been looking for a chance to exit. There is a 50/50 chance that I can get her into the car without her calling me an anti-social party pooper loudly enough for folks to hear. It is like a switch goes off in her head and I become a target.
That is my angry button. When she has consumed enough alcohol for me to become an anti-social party pooper, I get angry. I do not like going to an event, babysitting my wife as she drinks, shrugging off the looks as people notice her situation, being called names, feeling humiliated and embarrassed, waiting for her to finish her party and then having to drive her home. The next morning she offers no apology. Either she actually believes that I was an antisocial party-pooper the night before or she doesn’t remember the evening.
The Company Christmas Party, family weddings, 4th of July celebration, vacations and our children’s dance competitions have all been occasions for her to drink the most. I am not against alcohol and having a good time. It has been my job over the years to driver her and the kids home safely. 80% of the time I will have no alcohol to drink at any gathering, 20% of the time I will nurse 1 drink all night knowing that it is my responsibility to drive. That is just how it ended up after all 13 years.
Perhaps, she is right and I am an antisocial party pooper.  I now routinely, turn down invitations to events where alcohol will be served and shy away from social events that have the potential to allow my wife to drink. In truth, I am writing this letter after fighting with my wife over a rejecting an invitation to a wine tasting event.
I went to 2 or 3 Al-anon meetings several years ago. It seems that the folks at the meeting had much worse situations. Is she an alcoholic? Is my anger appropriate? How can I get out of this situation? What should I do?

Regards, confusedangry

[BeDryPlease]

I too am angry.  My wife puts alcohol above her family.  She's smart, good looking and good socially.  She comes from a family of alcoholics.  The thing is, she's highly functioning.  She's good at hiding her inebriation.  I believe she drinks about more than a bottle of wine a day.  Tonight I found evidence that she's downing vodka, too...and she always hides her drinking from me (filled glasses under beds, over the washer etc).  She does have occasional emotional outbursts...she'll go nuclear over silly issues...and then apologizes for her irrationality the next day.  It gets old.  It's been an issue for 15 years...she even drank with postpartum depression...told her therapist that she would quit drinking but didn't.  I lovingly asked her to seriously reflect on her drinking 2 years ago...she said she likes drinking and wouldn't stop...that it was my problem because I rarely drink.  I went to Al Anon and realized that I can't "fix" her.  I love so many things about her but I don't know how long I can be supportive of someone who is on a self-destructive path.  I haven't been to Al Anon meetings in a few years but I'm going back.  I need help.  Someone posted a suggestion of leaving an Al Anon pamphlet out for her to find...I may just do that.  I've expressed my concern many times over the years.  I think she needs to know this situation is not good for our family.

[ibizan]

Life is too short to live this way dear........I've been sober and clean now for 30 years!I didn't ask to have the disease of addiction but i am responsible for not allowing it to destroy my life!so is your wife!You have some decisions to make for YOUR sanity!She is making her own choices!

[paugre]

I have the same experience Johnny. I cannot seem to get away from it in my life. My mom was a life long alcoholic who drank heavily from the time I figured it out (at about 12 years old) until her death when I was 36. During many of those years our family also struggled with the full blown alcoholism of my younger brother who still to this day struggles with it. I am now 52 years old and was single up until I turned 42 having stayed away from any prospect of a relationship for all of those years largely due to the affects and after affects of my mothers drinking. When I met my wife the signs were right there in front of me but I chose to largely ignore them and after 10 years together (eight of those married) I am entrenched in what is very obviously another alcoholic relationship. Tried everything so far from the loving caring talks in the beginning to what has evolved into confrontations where she essentially expresses to me that the alcohol is here to stay. Two weeks back she had another of her numerous fall down drunken stupor episodes in front of her ex in laws. Did I mention that when her previous 17 year marriage wrapped up she went through a court ordered alcohol evaluation? She wriggled herself off the hook while convincing herself and everyone else (except I am sure those who were closest) that she could control it. Alcohol abuse is rampant in her family. Her father, younger brother, herself and I believe here second younger brother to some degree all suffer from it. Another family gathering.? Oh boy here we go again you should see the alcohol flow. Her mom just sits back and enjoys while half in the bag herself and says the next day that they all drink like that because they love to see each other!  Welcome to my screwed up world. Writing this reply has been very therapeutic as has been reading all of the posts. Time to make a move.
Deepindespair

[ibizan]

Indeed you are!do you have a support group for yourself?have you thought of finding  a good counselor to help u sort this out?any children involved?

[Hardplace444]

I am in the same predicament. I have totally given up all alcohol as this was an excuse for my wife to drink. I tried to go out with our friends to socialize as this was my wife's excuse to go out drinking. But just found myself getting angry with her and our so called friends. When you are not intoxicated you notice so many horrible things that wouldn't be acceptable in a non drunk environment. For example I would notice  guys, some of them our own friends blatantly flirting with her. Even when i'm around as they think that they are smarter than you when drunk. I could not take this so stopped going out which has alienated me from my these people. Which I have realized were not friends in the first place. My wife says I am being extreme and anti social. My giving up has slowed her down but still she goes out to socialize then ends up stumbling into the house in the early hours. I end up worrying as it is not safe out there especially when she is a single drunk female on her own. I also know that alcohol makes you more likely to cheat as your defences are down.. and I hope that this is not the case with us. One night while I was away on business I heard that she had gone out and end up driving with a guy in his car late. She only admitted this and shrugged it off as him giving her a lift home after I confronted her. I keep feeling like I am so stupid, letting her get away with it. But she just plays it down.. which makes me feel like im crazy. When she is out I lie in bed all night waiting and get angry because i cant sleep. sometimes I just feel like getting revenge and start drinking again! then I catch myself and say i need to be stronger.. but I feel like i need a solution soon or I am going to snap and ask for a divorce. Which I think will break my wife too because she doesn't have any family or real friends to fall back on. I  am her only hope. I have also been through bad breakups and love her dearly so do not want to lose her. She is a very stubborn and strong charactered woman so will not listen to anyone's advice and when i confront her about these issues. She truly believes that there is nothing wrong with the situation, but my own head issues. This is truly what u call being stuck between a rock and a hard place.

[Cooper1111]

I googled "spouse with alcohol problem," and found this thread.  My boyfriend and I are not technically spouses, but we've dated for three years and lived together about four months now.  I was always a big drinker in high school and college, and I still drink socially.  My boyfriend always overdoes it though.  We are always the last ones to leave a party, and he is always slurring, stumbling drunk when we go.  He sometimes throws up on the way home, and I am always the one who drives.  He also drinks when he gets home from work and anytime we eat at restaurants.  I knew he was a heavy drinker, but I guess I didn't realize the problem was so bad until we moved in together.  We have also started discussing getting married in the past year, so maybe I have just started to consider our relationship becoming a family.  I have realized that I do not want to raise a family with someone who drinks this way.  I'm embarrassed and feel less and less attracted to him each time this happens.  I'm currently in nursing school, and will have to move back in with my parents if we break up.  I go back and forth because he is a good person and makes me laugh, but I also feel so much resentment and anger that he just can 't grow up and give up the alcohol.  I know that addiction is real, but it is so hard to grasp for me.  Thanks for your post!  I wish we knew how to make all of our significant others see what alcohol is doing to their relationships.