My wifes drinking makes me angry. How do I cope?

[confusedangry]

I need help with two things... How do I know if my wife has a drinking problem? How do I cope with my own anger over her drinking?
I have been married to my wonderful wife for over 13 years. She is beautiful and kind. Everyone who knows her loves her. My wife left her career when the kids were born and our two daughters are now ages 11 and 13. I love my wife and kids dearly.  My wife is a stay at home mother and does so many things for the family that it makes me wonder if I should shut up and just be grateful for her consenting to marry me. I have no basis to decide if I am overreacting to her drinking and I have no way to determine if I am actually the root of the issue. However, one thing is perfectly clear; I have a problem with my wife’s drinking. When she drinks, I get angry.
She drinks a bottle of wine 4-5 nights a week. Once or twice a month she will open a second bottle, although, she doesn't do this as often as she has in the past. She buys bottles of wine several times a week and seems to plan trips to the supermarket to get herself a two or three day supply. If we run out of red wine, she drinks white wine. If we run out of white wine she drinks beer or a mixed drink. She packs beer and wine when we go on trips so she has it for the hotel room. When we go to dinner she has wine. I’ve noticed that she won’t go to a restaurant where she can’t get a drink.
During social events like weddings, family gatherings, and dinner parties she always drinks enough to slur her words, talk louder than most folks and be a bit unsteady on her feet. It usually takes 1 bottle of wine to get to this point. (This also happens to be the same state she is in during some weekday dinners in our own house.) This is the point where I begin to notice that other people have begun to notice that she is drinking quite a bit. I begin getting uncomfortable while I wait to see if she stops drinking.  If she drinks more than 1 bottle then the situation gets worse quickly.
Somewhere towards the end of the second bottle I become really embarrassed and want to escape. At this point she is talking louder than anyone at the gathering, broken out in a visible sweats and has become the center of attention.  If the host is serving coffee and desert, my wife will still be drinking wine.  Her behavior is clearly driven by the alcohol. Most folks at the event are aware and I begin to get looks from every direction. This is the point where I know that she will not slow the drinking and we are in for a long night. Beyond this point she will drink steadily until it is time to leave. I can’t remember her ever switching to water. It’s hard to generalize her behavior at this point other than to say that she will be the drunkest person at the wedding, dinner party or gathering. Throughout this entire period I have been looking for a chance to exit. There is a 50/50 chance that I can get her into the car without her calling me an anti-social party pooper loudly enough for folks to hear. It is like a switch goes off in her head and I become a target.
That is my angry button. When she has consumed enough alcohol for me to become an anti-social party pooper, I get angry. I do not like going to an event, babysitting my wife as she drinks, shrugging off the looks as people notice her situation, being called names, feeling humiliated and embarrassed, waiting for her to finish her party and then having to drive her home. The next morning she offers no apology. Either she actually believes that I was an antisocial party-pooper the night before or she doesn’t remember the evening.
The Company Christmas Party, family weddings, 4th of July celebration, vacations and our children’s dance competitions have all been occasions for her to drink the most. I am not against alcohol and having a good time. It has been my job over the years to driver her and the kids home safely. 80% of the time I will have no alcohol to drink at any gathering, 20% of the time I will nurse 1 drink all night knowing that it is my responsibility to drive. That is just how it ended up after all 13 years.
Perhaps, she is right and I am an antisocial party pooper.  I now routinely, turn down invitations to events where alcohol will be served and shy away from social events that have the potential to allow my wife to drink. In truth, I am writing this letter after fighting with my wife over a rejecting an invitation to a wine tasting event.
I went to 2 or 3 Al-anon meetings several years ago. It seems that the folks at the meeting had much worse situations. Is she an alcoholic? Is my anger appropriate? How can I get out of this situation? What should I do?

Regards, confusedangry

[bword]

.I too was googling info on problem drinking etc...and ran across this page.  The post could have been written by my husband it's almost identical  to our situation. I am the one with the drinking problem and I know he is angry and sad . He has told me so. I am ashamed.
  I am trying to get it under control but some days it is hard and I falter and drink. I know my husband hates it and I'm scared I will not be able to completely stop and I will lose him .
I used to drink maybe 5 beers on the weekend but for the last few years it's become more and more often. I am a stay at home mother of two boys 14 and 12 and I don't want them to have  a dysfunctional alcoholl abuser as a mother. I drank beer again last night..and I feel ashamed and scared. I know I won't need to detox because I will go a week or so without drinking but I can't seem to go longer than that..I will drink aprox 6-7 beers and I know it affects me on the very first one yet I continue to drink because in all honesty it's not the taste I love..it's the altered state that it gives me..a fake high...an escape...:(
anyway I guess I don't really have a point...I just wanted to say Thank you. It was nice to see I'm not alone...I think I will join your forum...I think it will help me..help myself

[CML2014]

IBIZAN HAS SAID IT ALL!!!!! AMEN!!!

CML

[feeltrapped]

I just found this thread and have a similar issue but a little different.  My wife does not act out drunk at events or gatherings but drinks heavily when she is alone.  I can't tell you the number of times I have come home from work and she is passed out drunk b/c she only works part-time.  She was fired from one job b/c she kept calling out sick to drink, she has been pulled over twice for DUI and was convicted once, she is verbally abusive when she drinks and she always has an excuse for everything.  I call her the Queen of Excuses.  I have found empty wine bottles tucked away in every closet/cabinet of the house.  She has gone to counseling (I joined during family days), AA meetings, had a sponsor, took antidepressants (which she has stopped taking) and has even stayed with my parents who wanted to help her with a place to stay when we decided to live separately and she could not afford a place of her own.  She has broken 2 contracts we wrote regarding drinking after our counseling. She does admit she has a problem with this disease but does not seem to be making a real effort to stop.

We have only been married for a little over 2 years and have been together 5 years.  I am thinking divorce is the best option at this point.  I have made her parents aware of her problem but they don't know what to do and will obviously choose her over me in any disagreement the way they are.  I have no idea what to do outside of divorce.  The only other thing I can think of is for her to be on medication for alcohol where the person becomes sick if they drink a sip.  I don't know what to do...

[50hubby]

WOW I thought I'd had it bad. My wife also refuses to address her drinking. When she get a good start and begins drinking at noon I know its going to be a rough ride. She now has come up with "she's fallen out of love with me" as her latest excuse for her actions. The problem is I love her, and she means what she told me over the weekend, well that's a game changer. I guess you have the same choice to make.

[Hcents11]

I found this forum after googling that my wife slurs after one glass of wine.  These stories are very similar to mine.  We are 45/46 years old, married for 23 years but together for 27.  My wife had alcoholic parents (functioning professionals however) and often would tell me of the horror stories when she was young.  I witnessed more than my fair share with my inlaws after we were married.  My wife was very in tune with the damage an alcoholic household creates even though she always loved her parents deeply.  We are very different in that she is gentle and kind and I am Type A, opinionated and judgmental.  Up until 4 years ago we had a great life.  4 great kids, a nice home, my wife has never needed to work, has not balanced a checkbook in 10 years and could not tell you what any of our expenses are. (despite my trying to get her to understand and partner in this regard).  16 years ago she was treated for anxiety after developing an issue with retracing her driving routes thinking she had hit someone.  Eventually this led to Zoloft.  5 years ago I lost my job and was seriously shaken at the difficulty in landing another good job.  We were in good shape financially but my angst and frustration were exposed daily to my children.  I was able to land another well paying job.  At this point though it seems a switch was flipped.  The episodes of my wife getting drunk publicly and embarrassing both of us increased.  My wife was always demure and well mannered but not a prude.  She started spending more time with a group of women in town who get loaded regularly and are obtuse and crass.   She began (or I discovered) hiding wine around the house and finding places to drink in the house.  She got loaded on Christmas Eve 2 years ago (around noon) which I discovered after trying to find her.  She was in our master bathroom talking to her sister about how I was the worst person ever and that she was going to divorce me the day after Christmas.  I listened outside the door for the entire time.  I was shocked and felt like throwing up....and I confronted her.  She has done this at least one more time with her brother (although I suspect more often given the booze ignites it).  There used to be teary apologies the next day.  We have tried a Psych Dr. who specializes in alcohol issues as a couple and alone.  She went to a couple AA meetings.  She declares that she is not an alcoholic and this is me just trying to control her.  Our relationship is tense and it is so sad that I have lost this person.  We had a row last night after doing something social for the first time in forever and my wife had one glass of wine and was slurring....then more...I told her it was time to go and she was wobbling all over the place.  When we got to the car, I asked what happened in there as she seemed to go over the edge pretty fast.  She refused to talk and we ended up arguing when we got home.  No apologies today as somehow it is my fault.  I am not perfect by any stretch and have several emotional flaws.  I have gone to a Psych doctor to help.  But I fear this is a lost cause and do not know what to do.  My kids are paying the price as the arguing is not a good environment for them.  I am at wits end with my wife and do not want to ruin my family only to have her realize one day what this was all about and regret everything.    

[ibizan]

Your wife needs the AA pamphlet A Merry go Round called Denial not an Al-Anon pamphlet!You are on the right path to return to Al-Anon and make some decisions in your best interest.Sad that your wife CHOOSES to like the self destructiveness of her drinking.That you are powerless over!