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Problem Drinking and Drugs, Alcohilsm
[Big Q ... sorry :-)]
I am very confused about the distinction between problem drinking, controlled drinking, alcoholism, addiction from what I have read here and elsewhere about such distinction, thought I'll share my situation here.
I have been struggling with drinking and other substance abuse for some time now and I am very confused about where I am, on the one hand I do have some amount (only just) of self control and I will not slide down after a point. I go to meetings and find others who have gone on much much farther than where I have gone. I am even made aware that yes I am an addict but not a hardcore one, maybe on the fringe of being a hardcore addict.
(A doctor dealing with alcohol and drug addicts since about 10 years told me this last week when I meet him at his out reach center)
I have more of a problem with drugs but even that I do not take beyond a particular line. To start off, I have been drinking for about 7-8 years now. (since I was 17 I think) I had 2 bouts with drugs also in all of this, the first time it went for two years and at around 20 , I quit drugs and decided that I will only use alcohol since it is a controllable socially allowed vice. There is no question that drinking caused problems but I did not have the same appetite for alcohol an alcoholic might have; I would often drink alone but I found it boring after a couple of pegs, about a maximum of a pint of whiskey or any other hard drink like rum. When drinking alone, I never drank enough to cause vomiting, total loss of self control, black outs etc. I would only drink to that point when I was drinking with friends (It happened occasionally at first but it did slowly get to the point where each week 1nce or 2wice I would be out drinking all night with friends who were good company to drink with and occasionally get in to fights and other hassles) I didn't enjoy drinking too much when I had boring company though. This is where I was about a year and a half ago, this is how most of my weekends were spent; getting together with my drinking friend and drinking and then doing our kind of mischief, the kind that amused us a bit but not got us in to trouble too often)
and then I hated it the next day because I would have the hangovers, feeling completely lethargic for all of the next day, stomach issues etc. I hated it in the long term as well because I would schedule the weekends to catch up on my reading, catch up with certain other friends or often to simply rest and get things in perspective after a week's work. But the drinking friend of mine was too pestering and would call me and lull me anyway, he liked alcohol much more than me I could tell, it probably had a genetic component to it I guess as well. (his father died of drinking at 31) So whenever I was able to stay away from this one particular friend and another friend I had at work, I could stay away from booze or maybe slip up a little here and there but not too much.
Then after a while, I tried opioid prescription medicines with an office mate and loved it initially. This is what I got hooked on to big time, slowly but surely I was doing different stuff all together, booze, marijuana, meds all of them. I was taking only this on weekends than in the middle of the week, then on some weekdays as well (you know how it works).
After about 3 months of trying opioids, I was doing them everyday, the use of opioids I can not control I admit. I raved like this for some months until the money ran out and then I did only the meds each day.
(but still I only tried the harder stuff like hydrocodones rarely and stayed away from the dirty ones such as doing opium itself or heroin which I had tried as a teenager.)
After using codeine everyday for about a year, I have actually put on weight, I still don't look like a junkie, I can pass of a respectable member of society everywhere I go. [where they don't know I use]
But then the downside is, that much of my time and money is wasted (I'll admit I have done both crazy and low things to get the money to keep me high) with doing codeine, when I could write a blog post or read up about things I am in to now, learn this or that, meditate, find spiritual peace, go to a gym, spend time with my family or do a million other things that I'd like to do, I go out have a couple of bottles of C syrup and then go to some place of solace I like and sit contemplating nothing of importance while chain smoking ciggs or listening to music. (at first it as on an iPOD I had which I sold and then my phone which also I sold later I'll admit I got there)
Recently, many a times, I have alcohol as well.
Coming back to A drinking, I see that I can still control it, I am content with a quarter or somewhat less amounts or maybe I will have 3 beers but I don't do more because then I don't like it, I only like how you feel after 2-3 drinks, when your perception is just changing and then you get a pleasant buzz, I in fact hate it when I drink to much and the buzz is overwhelming.
Now, ever since I found about the 12 step programs, I have wanted to live the life all of those NA & AA members live; absolutely clean of everything and serene but I have not been able to do that, Often I have the urge to get back to drinking socially once again, stay of drugs, just have alcohol in moderation but the trouble is I haven't been able to get clean of C. Finally, I'll arrive the question (which you might find stupid and excruciatingly redundant) but I'll ask it anyway:
Is it ok if I can get back to drinking in a controlled manner even if I tend towards problem drinking at times. (If I can manage it which it seems to me I can)
Drugs I can not have and don't want to have, but I still feel like being able to enjoy a booze buzz every once in a while. My mind rebels when I tell it that I'll be sober of all things till I die ...
I am very confused about the distinction between problem drinking, controlled drinking, alcoholism, addiction from what I have read here and elsewhere about such distinction, thought I'll share my situation here.
I have been struggling with drinking and other substance abuse for some time now and I am very confused about where I am, on the one hand I do have some amount (only just) of self control and I will not slide down after a point. I go to meetings and find others who have gone on much much farther than where I have gone. I am even made aware that yes I am an addict but not a hardcore one, maybe on the fringe of being a hardcore addict.
(A doctor dealing with alcohol and drug addicts since about 10 years told me this last week when I meet him at his out reach center)
I have more of a problem with drugs but even that I do not take beyond a particular line. To start off, I have been drinking for about 7-8 years now. (since I was 17 I think) I had 2 bouts with drugs also in all of this, the first time it went for two years and at around 20 , I quit drugs and decided that I will only use alcohol since it is a controllable socially allowed vice. There is no question that drinking caused problems but I did not have the same appetite for alcohol an alcoholic might have; I would often drink alone but I found it boring after a couple of pegs, about a maximum of a pint of whiskey or any other hard drink like rum. When drinking alone, I never drank enough to cause vomiting, total loss of self control, black outs etc. I would only drink to that point when I was drinking with friends (It happened occasionally at first but it did slowly get to the point where each week 1nce or 2wice I would be out drinking all night with friends who were good company to drink with and occasionally get in to fights and other hassles) I didn't enjoy drinking too much when I had boring company though. This is where I was about a year and a half ago, this is how most of my weekends were spent; getting together with my drinking friend and drinking and then doing our kind of mischief, the kind that amused us a bit but not got us in to trouble too often)
and then I hated it the next day because I would have the hangovers, feeling completely lethargic for all of the next day, stomach issues etc. I hated it in the long term as well because I would schedule the weekends to catch up on my reading, catch up with certain other friends or often to simply rest and get things in perspective after a week's work. But the drinking friend of mine was too pestering and would call me and lull me anyway, he liked alcohol much more than me I could tell, it probably had a genetic component to it I guess as well. (his father died of drinking at 31) So whenever I was able to stay away from this one particular friend and another friend I had at work, I could stay away from booze or maybe slip up a little here and there but not too much.
Then after a while, I tried opioid prescription medicines with an office mate and loved it initially. This is what I got hooked on to big time, slowly but surely I was doing different stuff all together, booze, marijuana, meds all of them. I was taking only this on weekends than in the middle of the week, then on some weekdays as well (you know how it works).
After about 3 months of trying opioids, I was doing them everyday, the use of opioids I can not control I admit. I raved like this for some months until the money ran out and then I did only the meds each day.
(but still I only tried the harder stuff like hydrocodones rarely and stayed away from the dirty ones such as doing opium itself or heroin which I had tried as a teenager.)
After using codeine everyday for about a year, I have actually put on weight, I still don't look like a junkie, I can pass of a respectable member of society everywhere I go. [where they don't know I use]
But then the downside is, that much of my time and money is wasted (I'll admit I have done both crazy and low things to get the money to keep me high) with doing codeine, when I could write a blog post or read up about things I am in to now, learn this or that, meditate, find spiritual peace, go to a gym, spend time with my family or do a million other things that I'd like to do, I go out have a couple of bottles of C syrup and then go to some place of solace I like and sit contemplating nothing of importance while chain smoking ciggs or listening to music. (at first it as on an iPOD I had which I sold and then my phone which also I sold later I'll admit I got there)
Recently, many a times, I have alcohol as well.
Coming back to A drinking, I see that I can still control it, I am content with a quarter or somewhat less amounts or maybe I will have 3 beers but I don't do more because then I don't like it, I only like how you feel after 2-3 drinks, when your perception is just changing and then you get a pleasant buzz, I in fact hate it when I drink to much and the buzz is overwhelming.
Now, ever since I found about the 12 step programs, I have wanted to live the life all of those NA & AA members live; absolutely clean of everything and serene but I have not been able to do that, Often I have the urge to get back to drinking socially once again, stay of drugs, just have alcohol in moderation but the trouble is I haven't been able to get clean of C. Finally, I'll arrive the question (which you might find stupid and excruciatingly redundant) but I'll ask it anyway:
Is it ok if I can get back to drinking in a controlled manner even if I tend towards problem drinking at times. (If I can manage it which it seems to me I can)
Drugs I can not have and don't want to have, but I still feel like being able to enjoy a booze buzz every once in a while. My mind rebels when I tell it that I'll be sober of all things till I die ...
I've had to face that I have an addictive personality (seems to run in the family) and being a control freak I'm always trying to control what it is I'm addicted to, but of course our addictions really control us. I'm definitely a "problem drinker" aka alcoholic, and I have smoked marijuana since I was 19. Not giving that one up. I'm convinced that it has kept me from being addicted to prescription drugs. Everybody I know is on Xanax plus antidepressants plus alcohol plus pain killers. I figure beer, pot, and potato chips will kill me slower than tequila, meth, oxycontin, and effexor, not to mention tobacco, which is killing three members of my immediate family.
COMMUNITY LEADER
oh mama..oh don't take that pot away from me..i once thought like u...never give up that pot...but got cotton mouth and alcoholic brain thougth oh i can handle one.......and u know the rest of the story!Alcoholism/addiction like Judy Garland at the end of Wizard of Oz when she says to Glenda the good witch angrily...u knew i knew how to get back to Kansas the whole time...why didn't u tell me?Glenda giggles waves her wand and replies Cuz u never woulda b-lieved me..u had 2 find our for urself.......and my dear u will!doing another drug that is not ur drug of choice will lead u back 2 ur drug of choice...and u will find that out!
yeah, probably so, but it is my journey to do my way. I once had a therapist say he wouldn't treat me until I read "I'm okay, you're okay" and gave up pot. I said it was ironic that I was seeking therapy for issues about conditional love.
"You'll find out" scolding doesn't work with me. I'm aware of all the rationalizations and ins and outs. I come from a family of alcoholics. What worked was somebody's suggestion to check out Women for Sobriety. They seem like the type of support network I'm looking for.
"You'll find out" scolding doesn't work with me. I'm aware of all the rationalizations and ins and outs. I come from a family of alcoholics. What worked was somebody's suggestion to check out Women for Sobriety. They seem like the type of support network I'm looking for.
COMMUNITY LEADER
i wasn't scolding u dear.....just a factual statement that u'll find out in ur journey!and it was I who suggested the WFS!
COMMUNITY LEADER
Bear with me.....dayjob substance abuse counselor...sober and clean going on 25 years.I watch ppl ruin their lives on a daily basis with alcohol and drugs..it is very sad.I have a wit and sense of humor to make a point also helps me keep my sanity in dayjob.......i 2 thought like u years ago..it was not meant to scold....and i won't apologize for pointing out the truth!i 2 have been where ur at.....and i never 4 get that.Best of luck 2 u thruout ur journey!
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