Fear of HIV

[JamesJJJOnes]

Dear all you helpfull people. Iv been married 3 years and have a two year old son. When my son was born our sex life went to nonexistent. So hears what id did as a dumb ***. In october 2008 i was so sexualy frustrated i stated stoping at the local rest stop ware the gay men hang out and recieved oral sex about 6 times unprotected. I am not into men but felt like i got oral and didnt perform so it wasnt like cheating. It was. At the end of october i wound up getting hit on by a girl at work and had unprotected sex with her. Big mistake wish i could go back and not have done any of it. Than the sexual frustration came back on dec 24 and got oral sex again unprotected by a guy from the rest stop. after about one to two min i felt awful and made him stop. i had an hiv test three mos after the unprotected vaginal sex which also equals six weeks after the oral on dec 24. Iv gone to my dr so many time freaking out. Im just so scared i find it hard to live with myself. I dont like lieing to my wife i love her so much but if she knows she will divorce me. My parents know almost everything and say dont say anything even my priest says dont say anything and im fine with that. Im just so scared of passing something to my family i love my wife and son so much i dont want my stupid actions to hurt them. I just want to be a good person and change my ways but im so scared im going to die. I want to see my son grow up and not be an embarrassment to him and my wife. The hiv forum dosnt want me to post but i could really use some support. Has anyone ever got hiv from receiving oral sex? How reliable is my 3mos after vagional sex and 6 weeks after oral? Im just so scared. What if i got something else. My dr says no and i have to wait another 5 weeks to go back and be tested. He says my symptoms are a common cold and anxiety. My joints hurt my groin hurts between my leg and testicals my testicals even hurt sometimes. Im just so scared. Whats wrong with me.

[overstressed]

Dear James,

I going through the same as you're doing. Please read carefully what others have posted here, and I only can repeat that from my own experience. First, you need to stop to have sex outside your marriage, because you don't want to start this all over, don't you ? It's an experience for life, and accept and be thankful that you're HIV-. So, that problem is solved. Next, you have to learn to forgive yourself. Maybe you can do some charity work to help other people, as way of punishment to yourself. Once that is over, you have done your part, and you can slowly start to become a good husband and father to your wife and child. This will take time, but time will heal all wounds. Important is also to stop reading on the internet for the symptoms. Test results outweigh symptoms. VERY important is that you have somebody to talk to! You can not solve this on your own!

You've got another chance this life, please be aware of that!

Take care,
Overstressed.

[JamesJJJOnes]

I think my anxiety has turned into anxiety and depression. Im still so scared. I dont sleep more than a couple of hrs a night. I have bags under my eyes. I cry all the time. I can barley function. I was taking trazodone but had side effectes. Cant see a shrink for like a month. My reg doctor dosnt want to prescripe me anything and im almost out of xznax. Im so scared. I dont want to die. I want to be loved by my family. I need help. I dont want to loose my job but i need a rest some how some way. What do i do.

[dhylles]

i know the feeling of guilt and i have been there and still going through it at times for my mistakes that i have made and i have the same thoughts as well and it is anxiety and guilt making you feel that way you feel. i feel the same way too and i am finding it hard to forgive myself for things i have done in my life as well. it is a hard process but we have to learn that we are human and we all make mistakes and bad decisions. i got tested last month for std/hiv and i still sometimes think in my mind that i have hiv. it is a process with anxiety and all we can do is just try to stay positive the best way we can and just remember that we have so much to live for and God will not give you more than you can bare in this world but it is our guilt killing is. I came clean with my feelings and my guilt to God and to my loved ones but it is not an easy thing to do within your ownself. it is the hardest thing to do when you don't love yourself enough to actually want to put yourself in the predicaments we as humans put ourselves in. I sympathisized with you  because i was the same way after each relationship or break up i had i would just go and sleep around sometimes unprotected to fill the void and emptiness i felt in my heart and that fact that i was sexually molested as a child does not help. so it does happen. learning to forgive ourselves and stop feeling guilt is the hardest thing a person can do. it is very hard. but i know you and i don't have hiv and we will both be fine.

[brooksand]

hello mate i am a gay man of 42 i have been demented since the 3rd of january about hiv std and sti infections and all i did was kiss a gay man who had a little lump on his tongue ive been tested for everything already and will be tested again at the end of 3 months this has one on with me for years and years it is definatly anxiety fear and guilt that you are suffering from with all the support information and advice i have received over the years in sure you will be fine
all i can say to you is please please do not go to these truck stops as these guys have sex with different guys at every truck stop they stop at
at the end of your window period please go to your gum clinic and get tested for everything to put your mind at ease
good luck

[suzi-q]

My opinion?  Your suffering from guilt which is taking the form of fear of HIV.  Many people "latch on" to HIV fears when it is usually related to guilt.  The risk factor to catching HIV the ways that you had "sex" are very low to begin with (unless you had an open sore...and even then it is small.    I will bet that you are going to be HIV negative when you go back to your doctor.

Your problem, will continue, however.  You are feeling guilty for your actions and rightfully so.  As a wife, I agree with everyone else you spoke with.  There is no reason to tell your wife of your actions.  If you are truly sure that you are not going to do this again and you truly want to make amends, then try to let it go.  Your penance is living with your guilt feelings the rest of your life.  However, I hope that you can forgive yourself for your acts.  You are human and you made mistakes..the only thing that upsets me the most is that you did it again and again.  DON'T do it again and get into psychological  therapy to learn how to live with your past actions.  I believe that you deserve to be happy, as well as your wife and child...don't let this kill you inside.

[nursegirl6572]

"The hiv forum dosnt want me to post but i could really use some support. Has anyone ever got hiv from receiving oral sex? How reliable is my 3mos after vagional sex and 6 weeks after oral?"

I want to comment on this part of your post as well.  You need to understand...it isn't that we "don't want" you to post...it is that very strict rules have been set up in the HIV forum b/c of the large # of people suffering from HIV Anxiety/phobias who continue to post incessantly despite either a no risk situation, or conclusive NEG results.  This jams up the forum and is NOT fair to new people who want their risks assessed.  It is a VERY VERY busy forum!  Therefore, medhelp set forth very specific rules that we must abide by.  It ISN'T a counselling service...and when we recognize that OUR reassurance (or even the doc's) reassurance isn't enough for a person, then we recommend the Anxiety forum (or OCD forum if it is appropriate)...which I used to be a very active member of (Anxiety forum)....there are some marvelous people that will help you with your ANXIETY.

We have covered your "exposure" with you ad nauseum...we have told you everything we possibly could.....to no avail.  My strong advice to you is if you are going to seek out help with your anxiety in this forum, then do so...but whatever you do...do NOT use THIS forum to further discuss the mechanics of HIV...and whether or not you had a risk or not.  Number one....and I mean this with NO offense...the members of the anxiety forum are GENERALLY speaking not going to be as knowledgeable about HIV, and TWO....you are not going to be focusing on what you SHOULD be focusing on.  These folks here are wonderful at helping you with ideas on how to work through your anxiety....please utilize this forum for that and that ONLY.

Also, listen to your doctor...he won't steer you wrong.  He will make sure the proper tests are done at the proper time...put your faith in him....and also ask him to refer you to a psychiatrist if you haven't already.....it never hurts to seek some help when anxiety gets the best of you.  Anxiety causes very REAL physical symptoms...which also puts a person with HIV Anxiety/Phobia in a more difficult position, b/c often it solidifies in their mind that there truly IS something physically wrong with them.  Meanwhile, as soon as you start getting the anxiety under control, you'll be amazed at how the "symptoms" will start fading away, and quickly.

So, please.....get the most you can out of this forum...there is a VERY good reason we send people here who we can no longer help.  It is NOT because we don't want to help them...it is b/c we can recognize when someone is in need of some help with their anxieties, and when what WE tell them either isn't sinking in...or when their anxieties are so intense, that it won't allow a person to believe what we (and often times the docs in the HIV Expert forum) are telling them.

Time to focus on your MENTAL/EMOTIONAL health.....you've made yourself suffer long enough!!!!!

Take Care!

[nursegirl6572]

I'm glad to see that you finally came to the anxiety forum....you need to seek some professional help for your HIV anxiety.  You do NOT have HIV, nor were you ever at risk for HIV.  You've had the proper tests, which prove, if you cannot accept that what we told you on the HIV Forum.....that you did NOT get infected.

Incidentally....just to reiterate, so that you do not become misinformed, the window period for HIV and recommended testing period post an exposure per the CDC is 3 months, not 6!!!!  There are only a few rare rare rare cases where someone would be advised to test past 3 months....and that would be severely immunocompromised individuals (ie....someone on aggressive chemo, a person taking anti-rejection meds post an organ transplant, or someone with advanced/terminal cancer) who theoretically could take longer to seroconvert.  There is a lot of debating among medical professionals that even THESE conditions would require testing beyond the window period.  EVERYONE else in the population, 3 months is the testing period, and even THAT is a very conservative figure.  Newly infected people generally test POS very quickly.

ANYWAY, you are doing the right thing by now focusing your energies on your inappropriate anxiety.  You are dealing with guilt, and your nerves have gotten the better of you...which is never a good thing.  Put the idea of HIV behind you, and start working on your emotional health.

Best of luck.

[kalie1979]

wow, not sure how to respond. No matter how tempted you are do not go back to the truck stop!!!!  i heard it take up to 6 months before hiv will show up. I am going to try and help you, i just have never done anything like that. I have been with my husband since i was 13, never cheated. maybe its your guilt that is making u feel like u have hiv. But you need to make a decision. in my opnion there is no excuse to cheat. can u not pleasure yourself? Have you spoke to your wife that u are unhappy with your sex life. If she loved u enough, she would want u happy and not going around unsatisfied. i am not judgeing u by no means, but u need to figure some things out. if u are not happy with your wife, do what u need to do, just don't cheat...really...imagine if u found out that she was cheating on you, how would that make u feel? i really don't think u have hiv--i just think its guilt that is triggering anxiety.

kalie