It's like a chain reaction. I started having anxiety issues when I was eleven, due to family issues which have long been resolved. However, since then, it has continued to grow. The attacks started getting longer, and eventually it started lapsing into when I would be in school. And it just continued to grow until...I would lose myself within it. Where I wouldn't Remember what happened during them.
And it just kept growing. It's like..It drained me of Me. Even when I'm not having an attack, it's like there are thousands of little questions that are picking away at my mind; it's like chipped and burnt sadness from any and all of those little microscopic questions that are rotting away into hate.
Now? Most of the time, I don't even like people – I hate them. But at the same time, I love to laugh, and you can't laugh by yourself. And it's not like I WANT to hate them. Because my mind is telling me that I shouldn't, that I need them, that I need to be good and not just avoid people. That's just usually. But I'm not a mean person; you'll rarely hear me speaking ill of another person, because I'M generally the one paranoid that OTHERS are speaking about ME.
I just don't.. Understand anymore. I didn't use to be like this, when I was little. Now, it's like I can't..feel what I'm feeling.
Excitement: Something quick and electric.
Happiness: Steady and warm like contentment, but brighter.
Sadness: Damp and heavy.
Anger: Dry and tight, like depression, but pulsing like faux excitement.
Numb: Restricting and tugging; heavy.
My reactions are off to things. Granted, even WHEN I was younger I didn't know how to 'show' excitement. It took a few years to be able to emulate what I saw others do. You can imagine Christmas being awkward.
I've always been good at knowing when to act like what. It's why I never got in trouble, and didn't get that label as 'the weird kid' in school. But for the past year now almost, it's like something got thrown off. I'm getting frustrated with myself, but not REALLY because 'frustration' doesn't have enough time to register, because I can't figure out what emotion to emulate.
I'm not a stupid person, but sometimes I think so. I have to always think about things before I act. But it wasn't really a problem before. I took my whole middle school years standing on the outside.
But I guess the problem with standing back and observing is that you can lose yourself completely. People become test subjects; lab rats. They are not Real to you, and you are truly Outside. And then to go Inside again...sometimes you can't, without leaving You outside. Whoever You might be.
I want that Me back. I want that girl that was happy and made friends with people easily because she didn't NEED to think of anything. Who didn't belittle herself all the time, and wasn't suspicious of everyone. Who TRUSTED. Who didn't lie. Who didn't have a reason to. Who didn't find herself lost in anxiety attacks so often that she sought to slicing away at her BODY as if the answer to making it stop was written somewhere in her blood. Who didn't think about wanting to die all the time. Who knew she didn't want to.
I'm scared, and I'm terrified, I'm SHAKING right now, but my mind isn't registering the feeling. My chest hurts, I feel cold and I'm shaking even though I know it's hot in here, and this happens more than I'd like. I don't want this. Have I told anyone about this? No. It's laughable; this whole situation. To someone else.
There isn't anyone I can talk to. I'm doing online schooling this year, and the only counselor they have is an academic advisor. I know my mom tried getting me into seeing a counselor a month or so ago, but there weren't any but faith advisors who took adolescence. She knows a little about the anxiety. Even that took two years for her to try and find help, and apparently there was none.
I don't want to die. I KNOW, I don't want to die. But everything else in me is telling me I do. If I had bullets, I'd have gone in there and shot myself. If I knew that there was a 100% chance of dying with downing 210mg of morphine, 2400mg of sertraline, 600mg of topamax, 1600mg of Skelaxin, and 10mg oxycodone I would.
But, y'know, I'd want to do something right the first time. And those are all I have immideate access to.
I'm being stupid right now.
It's out of character.
I hate this.