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Anxiety and depression with psychotic elements :( please help
Hello, I am 20 years old female from Serbia and I suffer from severe anxiety and depression. I came to this site hoping to find some relief and I have read many stories, so I thought I could also share mine and ask some questions.
Having been born in a war, from a young age I had strange tendencies similar to those of OCD. Most of them were about my mother dying, so I had to put my left shoe on first if I didn't want her to die and similar. Also, I had imaginary friends and occasional panic attacks and emotional outbursts as a child.
I think my first real anxiety episode began when I was 10. When I was going trough puberty, I developed various social phobias and agoraphobia, along with a phobia of naked human body, but I have never been treated for those, they just disappeared (well, some not completely). I was always considered as intelligent kid and I was good in school, but kind of asocial. I had friends, nobody hated me, but I was just not interested in friendship. I liked my own world better.
At the age of 16, I somehow developed delusion that there will be World War III in a few years and another, that nobody but me actually exist and that other people are just images in my mind. Nobody could make me believe otherwise, so my parents took me to church for something like exorcism. It disappeared after a few weeks.
Finally, at the age of 18 I snapped. And that was living hell. For over 6 months I suffered without a single moment of relief. I was crying (without tears) from the morning till my body falls asleep by itself. I could not eat, could not even wash my teeth without vomiting, due to high anxiety. I was always in a move, always fearing this world. I was afraid of EVERYTHING, people, animals, plants, universe, sun (I was sure it will explode any moment), time, death, God, religion...
My sense of time and space was distorted.
I was crying over my future child dying and I did not even have a boyfriend yet. My thoughts were so hard to bare I kept going to church every day, praying and crying non-stop, I kept talking to my parents about my fears constantly, even when they were sleeping. Then, our family priest has send me to a psychologist. I don't even remember anything, I just cried over death of my parents (who were still alive and well doing) at the psychologist and she had me sent to psychiatrist immediately. Then I started using meds, Zoloft and Risperdal. After a few weeks I felt better, I could go to school again. After some time, I found a boyfriend and I was living happily, so I quited my meds.
Then, about 8 months ago I felt that something is not right with my mind, again. I could recognize signs of relapse and started using Zoloft again, but it didn't do much help. Then my Dr. added Xanax and it worked but I still felt bad. To make this long story a little shorter, now I am on Prozac and Clonazepam (Rivotril), but after 8 months I am still suffering anxiety (with all the symptoms) and derealisation almost daily. The facts that priest at the church attacked me when he got to know I had intimate contact with my boyfriends did much harm to my unstable emotional state.
I am still afraid of everything. I feel like world is a place of madness and that our human race is coming to an end (for example, cause list of what I am afraid of would be too long). Of course, I don't really believe it, I got used to those feelings, but they still hurt me and I hardly function normal everyday.
I am typing this with hope someone will have something to tell me. I hope I will recover and that I will be able to help other people with similar problems one day. Also, I was never given diagnosis, just some hints that it is combination of adolescent depression with psychotic elements and anxiety disorder. Tell me what you think.
Thank you for reading my story
Having been born in a war, from a young age I had strange tendencies similar to those of OCD. Most of them were about my mother dying, so I had to put my left shoe on first if I didn't want her to die and similar. Also, I had imaginary friends and occasional panic attacks and emotional outbursts as a child.
I think my first real anxiety episode began when I was 10. When I was going trough puberty, I developed various social phobias and agoraphobia, along with a phobia of naked human body, but I have never been treated for those, they just disappeared (well, some not completely). I was always considered as intelligent kid and I was good in school, but kind of asocial. I had friends, nobody hated me, but I was just not interested in friendship. I liked my own world better.
At the age of 16, I somehow developed delusion that there will be World War III in a few years and another, that nobody but me actually exist and that other people are just images in my mind. Nobody could make me believe otherwise, so my parents took me to church for something like exorcism. It disappeared after a few weeks.
Finally, at the age of 18 I snapped. And that was living hell. For over 6 months I suffered without a single moment of relief. I was crying (without tears) from the morning till my body falls asleep by itself. I could not eat, could not even wash my teeth without vomiting, due to high anxiety. I was always in a move, always fearing this world. I was afraid of EVERYTHING, people, animals, plants, universe, sun (I was sure it will explode any moment), time, death, God, religion...
My sense of time and space was distorted.
I was crying over my future child dying and I did not even have a boyfriend yet. My thoughts were so hard to bare I kept going to church every day, praying and crying non-stop, I kept talking to my parents about my fears constantly, even when they were sleeping. Then, our family priest has send me to a psychologist. I don't even remember anything, I just cried over death of my parents (who were still alive and well doing) at the psychologist and she had me sent to psychiatrist immediately. Then I started using meds, Zoloft and Risperdal. After a few weeks I felt better, I could go to school again. After some time, I found a boyfriend and I was living happily, so I quited my meds.
Then, about 8 months ago I felt that something is not right with my mind, again. I could recognize signs of relapse and started using Zoloft again, but it didn't do much help. Then my Dr. added Xanax and it worked but I still felt bad. To make this long story a little shorter, now I am on Prozac and Clonazepam (Rivotril), but after 8 months I am still suffering anxiety (with all the symptoms) and derealisation almost daily. The facts that priest at the church attacked me when he got to know I had intimate contact with my boyfriends did much harm to my unstable emotional state.
I am still afraid of everything. I feel like world is a place of madness and that our human race is coming to an end (for example, cause list of what I am afraid of would be too long). Of course, I don't really believe it, I got used to those feelings, but they still hurt me and I hardly function normal everyday.
I am typing this with hope someone will have something to tell me. I hope I will recover and that I will be able to help other people with similar problems one day. Also, I was never given diagnosis, just some hints that it is combination of adolescent depression with psychotic elements and anxiety disorder. Tell me what you think.
Thank you for reading my story
I am not, because I don't know of any therapist in my country or close. In town where I live there is not even a psychiatrist, so I used to travel to see one for medication change.
I believe you will qet the help you need. Keep seeking God : jesus and talk to ppl who are professional, I promise things will turn out okay. I dont have much info for you. Just continue doing what you do and grow a strongFaith with god. I have severe problems also.. so, you aare not alone!
Thank you for your kind words :)
I have read some of your comments on other people stories and I must say those are very beautiful, encouraging comments :)
Wish you well, Pamela
I have read some of your comments on other people stories and I must say those are very beautiful, encouraging comments :)
Wish you well, Pamela
Dear Issydora, I think you are a sweet, sensitive soul. You came into a fearful world at a tender age.
Medicine can help as you saw before. Continue with your Doctor. Be patient. Switching medicines is common. Don't be afraid. Keep an open dialog.
Maybe you can help to organize a Support Group in your town. Your strength is there. Call upon that strength to help others in your community.
Keep safe. Congratulations on finding a special person in your life!
Thank you for your story. Pamela
Medicine can help as you saw before. Continue with your Doctor. Be patient. Switching medicines is common. Don't be afraid. Keep an open dialog.
Maybe you can help to organize a Support Group in your town. Your strength is there. Call upon that strength to help others in your community.
Keep safe. Congratulations on finding a special person in your life!
Thank you for your story. Pamela
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