Anxiety/Mood help..?

[Axis_Requiem]

It's like a chain reaction. I started having anxiety issues when I was eleven, due to family issues which have long been resolved. However, since then, it has continued to grow. The attacks started getting longer, and eventually it started lapsing into when I would be in school. And it just continued to grow until...I would lose myself within it. Where I wouldn't Remember what happened during them.

And it just kept growing. It's like..It drained me of Me. Even when I'm not having an attack, it's like there are thousands of little questions that are picking away at my mind; it's like chipped and burnt sadness from any and all of those little microscopic questions that are rotting away into hate.

Now? Most of the time, I don't even like people – I hate them. But at the same time, I love to laugh, and you can't laugh by yourself. And it's not like I WANT to hate them. Because my mind is telling me that I shouldn't, that I need them, that I need to be good and not just avoid people. That's just usually. But I'm not a mean person; you'll rarely hear me speaking ill of another person, because I'M generally the one paranoid that OTHERS are speaking about ME.

I just don't.. Understand anymore. I didn't use to be like this, when I was little. Now, it's like I can't..feel what I'm feeling.

Excitement: Something quick and electric.
Happiness: Steady and warm like contentment, but brighter.
Sadness: Damp and heavy.
Anger: Dry and tight, like depression, but pulsing like faux excitement.
Numb: Restricting and tugging; heavy.

My reactions are off to things. Granted, even WHEN I was younger I didn't know how to 'show' excitement. It took a few years to be able to emulate what I saw others do. You can imagine Christmas being awkward.

I've always been good at knowing when to act like what. It's why I never got in trouble, and didn't get that label as 'the weird kid' in school. But for the past year now almost, it's like something got thrown off. I'm getting frustrated with myself, but not REALLY because 'frustration' doesn't have enough time to register, because I can't figure out what emotion to emulate.

I'm not a stupid person, but sometimes I think so. I have to always think about things before I act. But it wasn't really a problem before. I took my whole middle school years standing on the outside.

But I guess the problem with standing back and observing is that you can lose yourself completely. People become test subjects; lab rats. They are not Real to you, and you are truly Outside. And then to go Inside again...sometimes you can't, without leaving You outside. Whoever You might be.

I want that Me back. I want that girl that was happy and made friends with people easily because she didn't NEED to think of anything. Who didn't belittle herself all the time, and wasn't suspicious of everyone. Who TRUSTED. Who didn't lie. Who didn't have a reason to. Who didn't find herself lost in anxiety attacks so often that she sought to slicing away at her BODY as if the answer to making it stop was written somewhere in her blood. Who didn't think about wanting to die all the time. Who knew she didn't want to.

I'm scared, and I'm terrified, I'm SHAKING right now, but my mind isn't registering the feeling. My chest hurts, I feel cold and I'm shaking even though I know it's hot in here, and this happens more than I'd like. I don't want this. Have I told anyone about this? No. It's laughable; this whole situation. To someone else.

There isn't anyone I can talk to. I'm doing online schooling this year, and the only counselor they have is an academic advisor. I know my mom tried getting me into seeing a counselor a month or so ago, but there weren't any but faith advisors who took adolescence. She knows a little about the anxiety. Even that took two years for her to try and find help, and apparently there was none.

I don't want to die. I KNOW, I don't want to die. But everything else in me is telling me I do. If I had bullets, I'd have gone in there and shot myself. If I knew that there was a 100% chance of dying with downing 210mg of morphine, 2400mg of sertraline, 600mg of topamax, 1600mg of Skelaxin, and 10mg oxycodone I would.

But, y'know, I'd want to do something right the first time. And those are all I have immideate access to.

I'm being stupid right now.
It's out of character.
I hate this.

[mammo]

Hi.  It sounds like you are experiencing anxiety and/or depression along with some anger issues.  All this most likely stems from the rough period in your younger years.  When we endure something like this and we don't deal with it properly, or we pretend to be okay, it doesn't go away.  It comes back in the form of anxiety and/or depression, and we can be confused because we think we're beyond that rough time.  You truly need to see a psychiatrist for an evaluation and go from there.  The anger you feel is stemming from something you feel you have no control over, or the past. This is common, so know you're not alone.  But this is robbing you of your life, like it does many of us and getting help is the only solution.  There is so much help for you that you needn't feel this way!  Try talking to your parents and if they don't take you seriously, put exactly what you wrote to us in a letter to them.  We listen and hear more when we have to read the words. They love you and would want to know.  Often parents don't want to believe that their child could be this unhappy and have problems, so maybe writing to them is best.  A psychiatrist or psychologist can evaluate your problems, and help you get beyond all of this.  Suicide is never the answer and it may be even worse.  Your mother obviously cares since she did seek help for you once before.  This is like any other medical condition that needs to be addressed by a doctor, and your parents need to realize this.  It's not something you have any control over right now.  If you don't get help from your parents, contact your school principal and ask them to intervene.  Talk to enough people and someone will get you help.  I'm sure you have a doctor you see when sick and this would be a good place to start.  Tell your parents you need to go see them and tell them why.  If they refuse, ask them to take you and at least listen to what the doctor has to say about how you are feeling, the doctor will make them see that you need help.  Don't give up on this or yourself!  I wish you all the best, and take care.

[Axis_Requiem]

I've posted something similar to this at another place, and it had also gained a response to someone saying I should speak with a family doctor.

I don't think we have one? Or, if we do, that would require speaking with my parents, who would brush it off, and would make me feel like an idiot for asking.