Am I in an abusive relationship and can I stop feeling anxiety from it?

[haidagoo]

My arguments were getting so bad with my boyfriend that each time we fought the residual anxiety would get a little worse. It became bad enough that I had to start taking ativan. The arguments were both of our faults - but there were a lot of things he did that progressively made me feel worse.

There was an incident where I was upset because I came home to my apartment which was trashed. Although he had walked in the door with me he chose not to forewarn me. I was upset that a brand new couch had wine spilled on it and my toilet was broken. He started to yell, saying things like "It wouldn't be a big deal if you did it" or "this isn't a big deal". I just felt so disrepected that he had the audacity to start yelling at me when he had trashed our home. I felt like I had no rights to where I lived. Telling him this only amplified the situation. I couldn't tell and still cant tell if this is emotional abuse.

Another incident occured after a university on campus graduation event - where I was being pulled in many directions at once - as it was my grad art show. When we all went outside , he yelled at me saying "where were you all night!" "I didn't see any of you!". I cant tell if this is abusive or not.

Another event occurred shortly after when we were staying in a city that wasn't our home. A friend of mine offered to put us up and said we could crash. She had school early so after many bar stops I suggested we head to her house. I told my boyfriend to come with us or if he didn't want to he could crash at a friends place. I said this in front of the table. He was extremely angry with me and said "why are you trying to embarrass me in front of my friends" . No matter how many times I tried to explain I had his best interest in mind he suggested I was humiliating him, knowing he had nowhere else to stay, and trying to make him look foolish in front of my friends. I tried so hard to talk us through it but he became progressively angrier. I woke up feeling worthless. I don't know if this counts as abuse or not.

This year I became extremely busy with my studies and he told me he would break it off if things continued the way they did. The amount of time I was putting into school  was extremely unhealthy. I barely had time to sleep, and I ended up staying at my parents because my anxiety had become so bad. Partly because of school and partly because of my relationship with my boyfriend. The pressure of messing up my relationship was making me crack.

I guess I'm just trying to figure out if I am in an abusive relationship or not. I love my boyfriend and I don't always believe abuse is intentional...but if I could put a label on whats happening to me, it might make it easier to cope. If anyone has any idea i would appreciate it

[Paxiled]

You seem to be in a relationship with someone you don't have a lot of respect for, from the little we know about it -- you've only printed this little bit and it's only your side of things.  Unless he's hit you or repeatedly mentally attacks you in order to make you subservient, and this isn't what you're describing, then no, it's not an abusive relationship, just one in which he doesn't want to do what you want him to.  You're also not suffering from anxiety -- you're suffering from being in a bad relationship.  You say you love him, but it sounds like you don't really care for the way he lives his life.  He sounds like he's sick of you telling him what to do and how to act.  It's a mismatch.  You're not married.  You didn't "have" to take ativan, you chose to.  Can you see how from a distance where I am this just looks like a relationship unraveling, with all the accompanying pain and fear of loss and anger?  It's never pretty.  But from your comments, it appears both of you know it can't go on like this.  As for him getting angry at you and yelling, he's hurting, too, again from the little you've said.  People get angry when they feel dissed.  You diss him.  He reacts with anger.  He disses you.  You react how you react.  You say you just want the best for him, but isn't that for him to decide?  It just sounds like to me, again, that this relationship needs at least some separation, and probably to be ended by whichever of you gets the courage first.  

[haidagoo]

Are you a health professional?

[haidagoo]

Although our relationship may be unravelling I am still curious to know whether being treated this way is an abusive behaviour or not. -  I know sometimes when you are in an abusive relationship there is a blanket over your head and it is very hard to tell  - that is why I am asking. If anybody has any other insights I would appreciate it.

[Paxiled]

There are no health professionals on this forum -- it's just folks helping other folks.  If you want to talk to a health professional, therapy is your answer.  I don't understand why you want to know if this is an abusive relationship or not -- you obviously don't like my response -- but what does it matter?  He's not preventing you from ending the relationship, and if it's so bad you think it's abusive whether it is or not, end it.  Why on Earth would you stay with someone you have not built any permanency with if you even suspect the person is abusing you?  

[Paxiled]

I guess I should say, I'm not a professional, I'm just old.  I've been through a lot of relationships and a lot of break-ups, and they always always hurt.  Hurt isn't abuse.  As I said, abuse is when someone uses superior power over you because of your insecurity to make you subservient or uses violence to make you subservient.  You haven't described either of those situations.  Good luck.

[AnxiousNoMore]

Whatever term you use to classify the relationship, is not important.
It will never get better - someone who trashes anyone's apartment has behavioral issues that don't get fixed. Throwing his problem back on you by claiming it wouldn't be a big deal if you did it is the kind of communication system this guy will always use on you. It is called switching.

Lots of people get into these kinds of relationships and think the other person will change but my guess is if anything changes, it will be for the worse. This is anecdotal so take it with a grain of salt, but one woman said her husband started beating her on their wedding night and he never hesitated afterwards.