Coping alone

[Cardboard1]

How do you cope when you have no support at all in your life.
I quite literally raised myself, stuck in state custody around 14 yrs old, system didnt help me.
I had myself emancipated then went full throttle down a road that led to lots of drugs and lots of running.
Been clean a while but im so alone and feel nothing towards life or other people.
I just turned 30 and I feel nothing I do matters and I need to lay down go to sleep and not wake.
I have no family, few friends That I am honestly not aLL that close to.
My one really close friend I recently decided to detach from because he was diagnosed with terminal illness and is in denial so I decided i couldnt constantly worry about someone who doesnt worry bout themselves.
I am tired all the time, I work and am in school, But would rather sleep then do anything at all.
Im trying to write a paper right now and can't.
I dont smile, I dont have desire to do anything that I used to love.
I dont date, i dont care to. I do everything alone.
I have a diagnosis of bipola, ptsd, bpd, anxiety, depression.
I take nothing. Severely med sensitive. Excersise used to help, but i have no energy to do anything anymore., I work out maybe twice a week. Does nothing anymore.

[remar]

Are you in counseling? If not, I would highly recommend it. How many meds have you tried? We're all so different and respond to these meds differently. Did you give them enough time to start working? They can come with side effects but many times they stop after awhile.
I'm really sorry to for what you've been through.
My daughter has depression, anxiety and BPD. She is very strict with her diet and how she takes care of herself. She finds that yoga really helps along with going to the gym. I understand how hard that can be when you're so depressed and tired.
I'm going to throw this out there. What about getting a pet? I have 3 dogs and 1 cat. They really help with my depression and anxiety because I'm focused on them most of the time.
Keep posting here, okay. We'll be here to listen and help any way we can.

[caitiekatt]

First of all, I'm very sorry to hear that you are in such a dark place--but coming here and asking about it is a great sign--you are acting on your will to get well and be healthy.  That is something to be proud of.

Definitely going to a counselor or some type of therapist is a step in the right direction.  Therapy can be such a wonderful tool--but just keep in mind that a TOOL is what it is--you have to do the work, but therapy can help.  This is tough, especially when you're in a place where your energy is sort of depleted by sadness.  

You said you're writing a paper--sounds like you're in school maybe: see if your school/job has a therapist you can go to for free.  If they aren't connecting with you (try for like 4 sessions min), have them recommend you to someone else.

Also, just try to be good to yourself.  One big step that has helped me is to make a point of taking a shower every day.  It seems simple, but you know how difficult it can be to just do that.  It's important and will help with the sickness and muscle ache that can come with depression too.

Good luck on your journey--the healthy one is always kind of long with no shortcuts, so my sympathy and good energy is with you.  Keep posting.

[Cardboard1]

I'm not currently in counseling, because of wait lists, or insurance not good enough, or I meet one and theyre so green that its like talking to a student.
Ive tried many over the yrs. I had reaction to a drug, it caused my brain to swell so they dont put me on anything anymore, id get severe blurred vision, prolactin levels thru the roof, I lactacted for months after stopping that drug. Umm Id get paranoid skitzo side effects, id think people were gonna get me. Stop the drug i was fine. Weight gain, total zombie, heaaches, tremors, visual disturbance, hallucinate. All kinds of crap.
I did give some of them ample time, others they stopped immediately. It just got to the point that i would get the side effects that only 2% of people would get. Id get the side effects that no one got. So they stopped prescribing, unless i get hospitalized and am monitored. I cajnt do that because i have no one to take care of my cat or fish. So yes I have pets. I use to foster as well. I think my binge eating rubbed off on my cat and definitely my depression, she is more angrier cat now and not as happy as she used to be. I try and watch what i eat, but i go on binges like i did with drugs. Then I wont eat for a day or two. Its another circle of sh*t i cant break. Ill stop for a while but it always starts back up. It took the place of drugs and alcohol. Its hard to do anything when i have no support in my life. Im at this point that im just so tired I cant and dont want to continue doing everything on my own. I mean in the sense that someone calls me and says, "Hey hows class going, hows work".. Its your 30th and its time to celebrate you. After all I have seen and experienced I still have this grand expectation that someone is supposed to love me, that someone is supposed to be my family that I cant just be this alone.

[Cardboard1]

Ive been in and out of therapy since I was 9. It seems everytime I start with someone and keep going back, I start having more nightmares, or more episodes where i feel out of control, or i do just that. Stop taking showers, dont leave my apartment for a week. Stop sleeping. which sleep is a constnt battle. Theres so much anger and resentment and me holding onto past stuff that when i begin to talk to someone i become so upset and angry i feel like i could snap someones neck. I feel like I could take a bbat and break peoples faces. Obviously im not going to do that because i know its wrong and i couldnt do that. I feel bad when i kill bugs. But that is the sort of anger that is in me, That i could literally break someones face. The anxiety last night was so bad that the little internal voice we all have, not actual voices.. :) Was like... you just need a couple beers and your anxiety is gone. I know thats a bad idea so i went to an AA meeting. But still ...... i feel like im the verge of drinking. Which for me, i have only been sober from alcohol for a yr. I quit drugs in 2007 but continued to drink socially. Then my mother died in 2010. I hadnt spoke to her in a yr. I hadnt seen her in 8 yrs. She was a junkie. That sent me deeper than i have ever been in depression. ugh i need to shut up i could probably sit here and aimlessly type for hours before i realized i had just gone on and on..........

[caitiekatt]

Hey, at least you're talking.  And going to a meeting when you want to drink--that's why they are there, so really, good job.  Keep going, and the edge will eventually get further away, at least for a while.  Being around people in that kind of supportive environment does help, however lonely you might still feel.  Do you have a sponsor?  I think if you're feeling on the verge of drinking, a sponsor might be a good idea right now.  They can be annoying--accountability can be annoying--but it's just the addict in you getting agitated.  That's a good sign--ha--it means the real you is winning.

I don't have substance abuse problems, but I did have pretty severe food and mutilation issues several years ago, and the mindset is kind of similar.  Or at least, the recovery is.  It's pretty lonely too.  And it's an every day battle--sometimes you are winning and sometimes, you're holding on for dear life.  Seems like that's where you are right now.

I have to go to work, but I am an open ear for you, even if you want to just write all the horrible things you are thinking to get them out of your head for a while.  Message any time. -Cait