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Fear of being alone
I have numerous anxiety disorders, panic, GAD, OCD and this horrible fear of being alone. My husband is my safe person. He has had a lot of very serious health problems in the last couple of years. I have been very worried. But he is recovering from his latest surgery (for 2 aneurysms) and loves camping, so he went for a 2 night trip with his friend. I have never liked it when he goes. I imagine all kinds of horrible things that can happen and worry until he gets home. But I shut up because I know he needed to go and enjoy himself. But I did not do well at all. The first night I fell asleep on the couch and woke up in a full blown panic attack and a horrible feeling of doom. Had to take ativan and it still took me about 2 hours to chill out, I was shaking so hard you would have thought I was freezing to death Then last night I got sick to my stomach and that threw me into another panic because I have occassional bouts of atrial fib and last time I got sick and threw up it threw me into afib and I had to go to the ER with my heart going crazy. So being so scared of this and knowing if I did start throwing up and my heart went crazy, I would not be able to drive so I drove myself to the emergency room and sat in the parking lot until I was pretty sure I wasn't going to throw up. This is totally crazy, I can't live like this. My husband is home now and all is well. But all the health problems he has had in the past...what if he had died? And unless we are both killed in a plane crash or something one of us will outlive the other. And god help me if it's me left. What can I do to get over this, to at least get so I can function and not be in a panic 24/7? Has anybody else felt this way? Anybody gotten over it? And just a note here...I'm ok when he's at work or goes off with friends as long as I know he is coming home that day and won't be gone overnight. When my heart first started going wonky on me last year I was afraid for him to be out of my sight but I worked through that and got back to normal (for me). And this time I was the worst I have ever been when he goes away for a couple of days. It was awful.
I have the exact same problem you do ..the fear of being alone and having a panic attack, it is essentially the fear of fear. Through the years I have learned to cope better with being alone and panic. Comedy, anything that makes me laugh I will watch when I start feeling all nervous inside. It always helps to stop that feeling. Self talking...I always tell myself out loud "Stop it you are fine this will pass" and I try to find something to do. I also have a few friends who know my situation and who I can call anytime of the night if i need them. STAY AWAY FROM CAFFEINE! I can't stress this enough, caffeine in any form will always throw me into a panic. Projects projects projects- find anything you can do when your hubby leaves, reading, painting the house or decorating the house, spring cleaning moving furniture and such and cleaning underneith. reupholstering old furniture, playing a video game...anything that keeps you busy, If you don't work find a job working when your hubby works then you wont be alone during these hours. If you are in the middle of a full blown panic attack just remember that you wont die from one and that it will pass. I also went on line and watched other people have a panic attack and found it kinda silly and it helped me to laugh at myself also. Being able to look at your panic as being stupid or silly helps A LOT. You just have to tell yourself to knock it off and shake your head, and laugh at yourself, because panic attacks are caused by the thoughts in your mind, there isn't really anything wrong with you, what happens is that when you have a panic attack your brain associates the situation {such as being alone} to having an attack. Basically you believe that you will have one because you are alone. So being alone triggers that fear and you start getting all worked up right before... say your hubby leaves for work. You have to retrain your brain, IT'S ALL ABOUT WHAT YOU BELIEVE. We are our own worst enemy when it comes to panic and only we can control our thoughts. It's not easy but it can be done. I also have a strong belief in God and going to churchand surrounding myself with other Christians who have so much hope, and reading Gods word has helped immensely. The Lord says " I will never leave you nor forsake you, I am with you always even till the end" so I know that I am not alone. I take a Beta Blocker because I have high blood pressure and that blocks adrenaline so that has helped also. Be sure to exercise every day and eat healthy stay away from sugar and bad carbs also. I stay on the PRISM diet or some call it the Jesus diet, it is a faith based diet that has really made a difference in how I feel and look because I lost 50 pounds following it. This is how I have dealt with my panic attacks and they are a lot better. You should go online and research it as much as you can and know that SOOO many other people deal with this, YOU ARE NOT ALONE in this and YOU ARE NOT CRAZY so try to chill out and it will get better there is hope so NEVER GIVE UP...good luck to you
I agree with Nursegirl, Lydia was giving you very helpful suggestions. You didn't mention anything about the steps you've already taken, so she certainly wasn't blasting you in anyway by suggesting you see a cardiologist and psychiatrist. You specifically asked what you could do to get over it, function normally, and stop panicking, and you got your answer. No need to condemn anyone for trying to help you.
Now yes, I have felt the same as you. My safe people are my mom and my boyfriend, and for the longest time I couldn't be away from either one. I would even follow and stand outside the door when they were in the bathroom. I most have been quite a pain to deal with, and I'm suprised they put up with me. I remember driving like a madwoman to get to my mom's work because she was all of 10 minutes late getting home and she wasn't answering her phone.
Therapy has been huge for me, along with the medication. Getting to the root of your problem and learning how to change your thinking is really what's going to help you lead a "normal" life. Now my safe people can go out of town and I don't spend the whole time freaking out.
Now yes, I have felt the same as you. My safe people are my mom and my boyfriend, and for the longest time I couldn't be away from either one. I would even follow and stand outside the door when they were in the bathroom. I most have been quite a pain to deal with, and I'm suprised they put up with me. I remember driving like a madwoman to get to my mom's work because she was all of 10 minutes late getting home and she wasn't answering her phone.
Therapy has been huge for me, along with the medication. Getting to the root of your problem and learning how to change your thinking is really what's going to help you lead a "normal" life. Now my safe people can go out of town and I don't spend the whole time freaking out.
you actually do better than i do, my husband doesnt leave overnight at least not until i do better than i am now. but since hospitals are on my fear list, that is not really a great option for me but yes i can relate and like the above i am doing the therapy etc with faith of managing anxiety, good luck!
I'm not sure why you've gotten so upset with lydia's post...she's just giving you factual info and very helpful suggestions. She never accused you anything, she was merely trying to guide you down a path of wellness. She certainly never "blasted" you at all. Sometimes it's easy to get defensive and read more into the written word....it's hard sometimes because we cannot see "tone" and "expressions" like we could if we were face to face.
It's good that you already are taking care of some things, but with the level of your anxiety, you may want to re-visit your meds (assuming antidepressant?) with the Rx-ing doctor as your anxiety can probably be better managed.
Anxiety is all about the "fear"...it doesn't matter from person to person "what" that actual fear is...dying, losing control, going crazy, health problems, being left alone...etc...the only thing that matters is we continue to help ourselves get through it and improve our quality of life. You will always have good days and bad...but you certainly can get yourself to a better place than you are in now. It won't always be this bad.
We know how hard it is....we've all been where you are in one way or another. Hang in there and be sure to let us know how you're doing!
It's good that you already are taking care of some things, but with the level of your anxiety, you may want to re-visit your meds (assuming antidepressant?) with the Rx-ing doctor as your anxiety can probably be better managed.
Anxiety is all about the "fear"...it doesn't matter from person to person "what" that actual fear is...dying, losing control, going crazy, health problems, being left alone...etc...the only thing that matters is we continue to help ourselves get through it and improve our quality of life. You will always have good days and bad...but you certainly can get yourself to a better place than you are in now. It won't always be this bad.
We know how hard it is....we've all been where you are in one way or another. Hang in there and be sure to let us know how you're doing!
I am routinely seen by a cardiologist and I am on medication. You don't just decide you have Afib because your heart is irregular. It is extremely fightening when you feel you can no longer trust your heart to beat in a regular manner. And of course I haven't said a word to my husband about what happened when he was gone, I would never do that. And I have been in therapy off and on for years. I know I need to talk to a therapist about what happened and I had already made an appt when I posted this. I simply wanted to know if anyone else had been through the same thing and maybe some encouragement. I didn't need to get blasted and told to see a cardiologist and pyschiatrist. I am not an idiot.
Actually it sounds like you have two very distinct fears, both are being exacerbated by your OCD and panic. One is the terrible worry you have for your husband when he goes on one of his outings, and the other is the fear you have for your own health and the concern that something may happen while your husband is gone. You said he is your "safe person," so when he is away, you feel especially vulnerable.
When you drove yourself to the ER and sat there waiting to see if you were going to throw up and go into A-fib, that right there tells me you need to get into some therapy to help you cope with these issues. While any of us can understand the fear you have for your husband and your fear of being alone, it's a very unhealthy way to live and with help, you CAN overcome it.
You don't want to make your husband give up his outings. They probably do him a world of good, both physically and mentally. Making him feel guilty about leaving you alone will just cause resentment and add even more stress to this situation, which I'm sure you don't want to do.
None of us wants our spouses to die, we worry about that even if they don't have a history of health problems. We worry about drunk drivers or bad weather or a hundred other scenerios. But we can't lock them up, we can't take their freedom away, we can't portect them 24/7. Your fear of losing your husband may be grounded in his health, but what it's doing to you is very unhealthy mentally and physically. If he is aware of what you go through when he's gone, imagine how that makes him feel.
I strongly suggest you see your doctor for a thorough physical and an appointment with your cardiologist to discuss the A-fib. There are medications for that. And last, see a psychiatrist. If you're taking meds, make sure they are the best ones for you. If you're not taking any, maybe you should talk to the p-doc about getting on some. He/she will refer you to a good therapist to learn to deal with your health issues and the dibilitating fear you have for your husband. This answers your question about how you get over your fear so you can function and not live in panic 24/7. I'm quite sure you are not alone in feeling the way you do and I'm also quite sure people have overcome it with help. If you want to be "normal" again, you need to get proactive about YOUR mental health. It will be the best thing you can do for both you AND your husband.
I wish you the best
Peace
Greenlydia
When you drove yourself to the ER and sat there waiting to see if you were going to throw up and go into A-fib, that right there tells me you need to get into some therapy to help you cope with these issues. While any of us can understand the fear you have for your husband and your fear of being alone, it's a very unhealthy way to live and with help, you CAN overcome it.
You don't want to make your husband give up his outings. They probably do him a world of good, both physically and mentally. Making him feel guilty about leaving you alone will just cause resentment and add even more stress to this situation, which I'm sure you don't want to do.
None of us wants our spouses to die, we worry about that even if they don't have a history of health problems. We worry about drunk drivers or bad weather or a hundred other scenerios. But we can't lock them up, we can't take their freedom away, we can't portect them 24/7. Your fear of losing your husband may be grounded in his health, but what it's doing to you is very unhealthy mentally and physically. If he is aware of what you go through when he's gone, imagine how that makes him feel.
I strongly suggest you see your doctor for a thorough physical and an appointment with your cardiologist to discuss the A-fib. There are medications for that. And last, see a psychiatrist. If you're taking meds, make sure they are the best ones for you. If you're not taking any, maybe you should talk to the p-doc about getting on some. He/she will refer you to a good therapist to learn to deal with your health issues and the dibilitating fear you have for your husband. This answers your question about how you get over your fear so you can function and not live in panic 24/7. I'm quite sure you are not alone in feeling the way you do and I'm also quite sure people have overcome it with help. If you want to be "normal" again, you need to get proactive about YOUR mental health. It will be the best thing you can do for both you AND your husband.
I wish you the best
Peace
Greenlydia
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