I need advise on letting go....

Question

Hi, my name is LibraStorm, and I was wondering if anyone had any good suggustions for letting go. Here is my story. 

In april of 2009, my husband of 33 years died at age 51. I have 2 sons, both married with a child each of their own. I was doing ok, I had taken a promotion at work, and knew I would be ok financally. In the mean time I found a computer game that kept my mind busy and all I did was work, cry and play this game. I didn't do anything else. Well, I met a man on the computer who lives in canada, and he was very nice. To make a long story short, I quit my job, sold my house and moved to Canada (3 days away from my children) and got married. The truth is, I was so depressed, I was hoping he would do to me, what I couldn't do, since sucide was out of the question. But he ended up being a wonderful man, and I now have a chance, that I may actually be able to find some kind of happiness here. At least as long as I have to be on this earth.

The problem is, my youngest son, is so mad at me he will not speak to me, and it is getting even harder and harder to get him to let me talk to my grandson over skype. He says it wasn't even a year after his father died before I started with another man, and that I didn't tell him I was moving here, and didn't tell him I was getting married. Which is true, because I was so much in a fog I didn't really know what was going on at the time. Even now, I am still so depressed,I have decided, never to get any medical treatment, so I don't have to live any longer than I have to. 

In the mean time, I have to live on this fricking earth, and with my new husband, I have this one chance I may actually be able to be happy, but my heart is still breaking becuse of what I did to my son. I know I have to let him go to work this out on his own. But how do I let go? I not only love them, so much, but my sons and grandson is my only link to my deceased husband. I hurts so bad.

rls27 · Answer

First thing you need to realize is that you didn't "do this" to your son. You are a flesh and blood human being with mental and emotional needs of your own. Your son needs to come to terms with this. When my dad died my mom was starting up a friendship with a new guy after just four months. It was very difficult for me to accept him, but over time I came to realize that my mom deserved to be happy and that I was being selfish. They are still together after 16 years and I get along good with him. 

Try talking to your son, tell him how devastated you were when his dad died and what you went through. Explain to him that you still love him and if he chooses to shut you out because you moved on, that it will hurt you, but it also won't change anything.

AM1995 · Answer

First let me say how sorry I am for the loss of your first husband - after 33 years it would surely be a devastating loss. It sounds like you did the best you could to cope with the change in your life. Did your children help you in dealing with your grief? Did you have any close friends you were able to talk to? It's so easy to look back and see all the things we 'should have done', but you were in a distraught frame of mind so don't beat yourself up over the decisions you made since there's no changing them now! :-) All you can do is move forward.... it sounds like your new husband is good to you. Does he know about what you're going through with your son? If not, talk to him - maybe he can help you mend your relationship with your son. It will certainly take time for your children to accept this new man, but blended families (even with adult children) can end up being happy families! Try to focus on the happiness and joy you have with your new husband -- it doesn't mean that you've forgotten about all the wonderful years you may have had with your first. Let your new husband take care of you and help you heal!

AmbassadorofAwesome69 · Answer

No need to get on the defensive, trying to help.  However, one thing that shouts out to me in your reply is that you are a grown woman with grown children.  Its not up to anyone to "stop you".  The decision is entirely yours yet, before such a drastic move, you should have consulted with your children.  But, you know that.  I think everything bad that is happening circles back to the thought:  "Well, if I just hadn't picked up and moved so quickly . . . " but you have to accept what has happened, has happened.  Let's move forward instead of thinking about the past.  I think all this has a solution or at least an amicable, reasonable end.  Stop beating yourself up.  Go seek professional help (or I'm about as close as you're going to get if you can't afford it) and then, like I said, maybe a "break the ice" letter with the son is first in order.  ("Dear Son, I am writing this letter in hopes that we can move forward and mend our relationship.  I have sought professional treatment to help me with my issues and I want to make the first step.")  Then, just take it from there.  You can do it!  :-)

LibraStorm · Answer

you don't have to tell me what I did was wrong, I know that already. I also know I was (and I still am) not in my right mind I know this.
 I'm sorry, but you make me feel defensive. Maybe what I did was wrong, but no one even cared enough to try to stop me either, I could go that way too you know. Didn't anyone see that when someone is greiving and they pack up and run to someone they don't even know, something is not right? 
Now, yes I am in a situation I put myself in and I have to deal with it. Well yes it *****, but one thing I learned, is when someone is down on the ground, No one helps them, they just keep kicking them down. (**** I didn't even tell you about how a family member stole my cc info during this time and put 6,000.00 on it) God life is just so freaking fun.  But thanks for the advise at the end, it helps.

AmbassadorofAwesome69 · Answer

First of all, you should have absolutely involved both children before making such a radical move.  Second of all, yes, it was too soon.  A year after a divorce - let alone a death - is just too soon.  You have to process the feelings you have for your former significant other before opening your heart to another.  Methinks the companionship is what set this new relationship on the fasttrack since you were married to your previous husband for 33 years.  But, whatever happens, remember that this new guy seems to want to make life happy for you so allow him to do that.

So, what do you do?  First, see a therapist locally to process your feelings.  Then, when it is time, arrange a visit to your son - make it a week long trip even staying in a hotel or with a friend (if possible in the same town).  Mend fences, make sure he understands this wasn't against him, it's just where you were in life.  It's like the end of "Home Alone", you never know how things will turn out unless you do one thing first - TALK.

Keep us posted.