I can't breathe...

[fashiongirl]

Ohmigod...i feel like my chest is closing up right now.
this morning I woke up...feeling good (i was sick with a gasterintestial virus all weekend) and I felt ready to take on the world finally.  I noticed that my throat was still a bit scratchy, which I attributed being from my constant urge to check my body.  The other night i noticed two little 'bump' like areas on the back of my throat...apparently I thought scratching them would be a good idea.  The next morning awoke with a sore throat and today i noticed 4 little white spots.  Okay fine...whatever I gave myself a sore throat...chalk it up to experience and never doing that again

However I noticed that on my ride to work my upper gum line was hurting.  I pulled my lips back to see and it looked like white curdly skin and it was bleeding a bit.
instantly I thought that i have oral thrush.

this morning I woke up and finally convinced myself that my HIV results were negative and now I'm convinced more then ever that I have it.

Please someone be my voice of reason because I am about ready to fly over the deep end.

[fashiongirl]

Green lydia.

you just shook me...and i think thats exactly what I needed today (and every day.)
yes, you are right.  I took the test.  It was negative.  I accept that.
I accept that there are completely rational/logical reasons for my sore throat and weird sore gum thing.  I do accept that, in my heart.  But in my head its a whole rash of other stuff that is making an otherwise completely rational person think very irrationally.

I wish i could just stop this.  I wish I could just shake myself.  I'm trying everything.  I posted my negative test on my mirror so i could look at it in the mornings.  I've made signs around my apartment reminding myself that i'm fine and healthy and have everything going for me in life and they were starting to work, but then I slipped again.  I guess thats just my OCD acting up and forcing me to freak out over every single little thing.

I contacted a womens counseling service this morning.  They sound wonderful and have gotten me in, in 2 weeks for an appointment to speak with a therapist.  This is probably something i've needed to do for a really really long time and I am actually looking forward to it.  I'm going away in 3 weeks with my family and I want to be completely in the right frame of mind because i'm going to vegas and i'm going to enjoy every possible second of it!!

Re: The killing myself quote...it was a figure of speech and perhaps i worded it wrong.  I would never kill myself...i do enjoy life when i'm not like this...but i guess i meant it more in the sense that i would kill myself from the stress/anxiety, like as in a heart attack or something...not actually harming myself.  

Thank you Greenlydia...honestly.

[RubyWitch]

OK, I'm gonna get kinda mean, so if you don't want to read this, close the page now.
You've had ALL the tests. All the tests have been negative. That means YOU DO NOT HAVE HIV. Even tho in your first post, you said, "I woke up this morning and finally convinced myself that my HIV tests were NEGATIVE, and now I am more convinced than ever that I have it." If you have convinced yourself they are negative, why are you now convinced they are positive? Because of the little white bumps in your throat, your sore, icky looking gums? You said you just got over a pretty nasty intestinal infection. My thinking is that you aren't exactly over it yet. Sounds like it may have traveled to your oral/sinus area. Time for a visit to the doctor to rule out a host of non-terminal bugs and bacteria. And for Pete's sake, stop scratching at the damn things! Have any idea just how many freaking germs are on your hands? YUK! Where were they before you stuck them down your gullet?
You ask how insane are you.........if you have to ask, then you aren't insane at all. But if you were to ask how silly you were being, now THERE'S a question I could sink my teeth into. You COULD be "seroconverting" from silly to stupid.................
And your last statement I find very disturbing for a couple of reasons. The first being obvious. And if you ARE serious about this feeling, I advise you to get yourself to the nearest emergency room as soon as possible. If it was just a "figure of speech," may I gently remind you that this is not a very good forum to be using such colloquialism.
Lastly and possibly most importantly, I would seriously advise you to get yourself into some therapy.
Really, I wish you the best of luck.
Peace
Greenlydia

[fashiongirl]

i just called a couseling service here in Toronto that I've been referred to by a number of people.  You're right.  This HIV issue is definitely detrimental to my physical and mental health.  Its getting to the point where its all that I think of.
tests don't lie.
I'm fine according to the tests.  I'm fine according to the doctors.  And i've actually accepted those testing results.  I had a long talk with my boyfriend/mother and landlady this weekend and they were able to get me to see that...expect now i'm being totally irrational and thinking that i just got the virus again 2 weeks ago...but this time from being cut with a manicure tool.

Since i had this GI infection, and now the sore throat and now the weird thing going on with my gum/cheek I think that i'm seroconverting and going through ARS symptoms from this new infection.  How insane am I?  I've read all the literature.  There has never been a documented case this way and all the experts agree that this just can't happen...but of course...i keep thinking but maybe it happened to me.  Maybe i'll be the first.

i can't keep living like this...i'm going to kill myself if this continues.

[Jikan]

Namaste,

I may not be the voice of reason you are expecting since I have a tendency to tell people things the way I see them, regardless of whether or not, they choose to accept my advice/suggestions is up to them.

Being overly concerned about this HIV isse is definitely detrimental to your physical and mental health and you need to let it go.

As for the physical symptoms you describe, especially the white spots at the back of your throat sound like an infection of some sort that will only be alleviated by treatment with antibiotics.

I therfore, recommend you contact your healthcare provider as soon as possible and get it taken care of.

Michael(Jikan)