Hi, everyone. This is a long one...
This is my first time posting on a forum like this, but I'm here because I'm at my wit's end. I was diagnosed with general anxiety, OCD, and depression in high school (age 16). I started seeing a therapist and taking Prozac (with no side effects), and things got a lot better. Even with the depression and OCD, I was an outgoing, optimistic kid. I was heavily involved in music, got good grades, and couldn't wait to graduate and go away to college.
Fast forward three years, and I'm currently in the midst of my third relapse. I'm 21 and in my final year of school, but graduating a year later due to my first incident in 2013. When I came to college, I stopped seeing a therapist (still took the meds)...but I also started partying for the first time. I'd barely had a sip of alcohol in high school. I went through a nasty breakup and started drinking to combat the depression. I had several bad experiences that year that resulted in me drinking more and becoming an incredibly bitter person, and ended up having to take a medical leave for several months.
Once I got back into counseling and back on meds (this time Zoloft), I started doing much better. I quit drinking heavily, went back to school, and met this amazing girl who I ended up dating for almost a year and a half. That being said, we smoked weed almost every day in that time period. I eventually ran out of meds and since the doctors near my school are difficult to reach, I reasoned I was doing well enough and didn't need to refill the scrip (stupid, I know). Less than a year later, I started having panic attacks, which I had never had before. They led to me breaking things off with this girl...the relationship was becoming pretty toxic at this point anyway, but the anxiety made things so much worse. I had to leave in the middle of the semester for two weeks.
Luckily, I got those weeks excused, went back on the Zoloft, and came back to school. This time around, I definitely felt side effects. I felt like I was in a fog, my emotions were blunted...but I was able to salvage the semester. I started drinking again (albeit less than before), started seeing this great new guy, and one day shortly after we became official I was laying in bed thinking about him and...bam. Another panic attack.
It's gotten to the point where my parents aren't comfortable sending me back there due to all that's happened, and I don't blame them in the slightest. I've lied to them countless times and they have a hard time trusting me, which is killing me because all I've ever wanted to do is make them proud. I just don't know who I am anymore. I've changed so much these pay three years, none of it for the better. I've considered that I have a substance abuse problem. I don't need to drink/smoke, I've just always felt better when I do, and the environment at school makes it so easy. But now I know I need to stop for good -- it doesn't do anything for me anymore. I should be relieved that my parents are willing to even put me through school (I'd live at home and commute), but now I'm seriously depressed at the thought of not going back. I broke things off with the guy and it hurt so much, I feel like I threw so many great things away because I keep screwing up.
I feel like I might have attachment issues, as well. I'm a serial relationship type...however, since the panic attacks are new, I felt like I had no choice but to break things off with him, and while I feel less anxious, I feel sickly depressed. He's an amazing person, but it almost felt like I wanted him until I had him...then my feelings vanished. Now I want him back, but maybe I just like the chase/want what I can't have? It's unbelievably frustrating because he's a wonderful person, everything I thought I ever wanted in a partner. I just can't make my mind up.
Deep down, I've felt like I haven't been fitting with that school for a while. I just wanted to prove against all odds that I could do it. I want to save my parents money and I'm trying not to let my current feelings corrupt my judgement (wanting to be close to this guy/my friends, familiarity, etc.) but I've invested so much there.
Any advice anyone can give me is seriously appreciated. I need to turn my life around...I just don't know how. :(