So Bummed, Yet So Numb...

[laceykb]

My mom is losing her battle with Ovarian cancer, I'm really rude to my boyfriend who just told me tonight he wants nothing to do with me anymore, we live together in a 1 year lease, he hates my attitude which I can't blame him. I have really bad anxiety...pretty much any symptom you look up I have it. I miss being close to my boyfriend, I miss loving him, I miss caring about each other. Once he hits this point he just doesn't care about anything, I try to talk to him and he doesn't want any part of it. I'm scared, I have nobody. I want him still...I want to change, I want to be happy again. Past couple months I'm so depressed, sad,  I don't do anything besides go to work and come home. I want him to want me. I've cried so much, I'm numb. I need him in my life. I would always run to my mom with stuff like this but now I can't, and I need him. I'm scared, alone, sad.

[jul04]

I know how hard it is when you are going through a difficult time and you feel as if you have no one to turn too.  Well you can keep posting here and we will support you.  However I know that is not a replacement for your mom, boyfriend, or friends.  

I suggest you talk with a therapist.  They are a great outlet and it helps to have someone to talk too.  I agree that your boyfriend should be more understanding and supportive but some people are not good with situations like this and they run instead.  In one way it might be a blessing in disguise that you are seeing this now and not years down the road after you've gotten married or had children.  

You will get through this.  I know that it may not seem that way but you will.  I agree with kristumatty that you will eventually use this experience as a life lesson to help others.  Just try and take care of yourself so that you can be a support system for your mom.  I think if you go into therapy you won't be as angry or moody because you will have a release system for all the things you have going on with you.

I wish you lots of luck on your journey...Remember you will get through this,,,,Keep posting here if it helps you....

[kay2486]

you boyf should understand why you are the way u r?

sorry to hear about your mum,
you may be best going to the doctors and asking for help off them like therapy or some medication for urself as you mention you've been depressed, your boyfriend will feel like hes been pushed away instead of talking to u hes ran, i think thats wrong of him n he should be more understanding as ur mum is poorly,

[ms_matte]

just a note to let you know you are not alone.  I lost my son in a motorcycle accident nearly two years ago.  he was only 29.  I wouldn't wish feeling this way on my worst enemy and my doctors tell me I need a different job, the one I have is too stressful.  good luck finding a job around here, there aren't any.  take one day at a time.  do the best you can today and move on.  kristumatty gave good advice.

[kristumatty]

Oh my god ...it sounds like your on  a big downwards spiral :(...Instead of saying all the nice cliché things that everyone always say's.. I will try to be more helpful...I too have hit rock bottom in my life with what seemed like every area of my life...My husband wrote himself off in an accident ..at the very same time..literally days apart.. my first love (childhood sweetheart) died in an accident...I went into severe post traumatic stress of course and became a horrible snappy intolerant person that couldnt see the good things in life anymore..I was horrible to be around..I lost all of my freinds...I had no one to turn too about my chronic anxiety and panic attacks because I hurt the people closest too me ....and I just needed everyone and anyone sooo much ...like a life support system. This is going to be a really long story if I dont cut it short >>IN A NUTSHELL...I have now gotten through..it has been hard the whole way ..7 years of recovery but in the end I realised what it was all for ...The whole lot of this horrible sad life experience you are going through is to teach you who you are and what your capable of (more than you can ever imagine)...and it has to be really severe enough to create change in your life and to make sure you search for answers rather than just waiting for them..This journey and these challenges are creating new opportunity's for you to discover who you are, what you want and how strong you can really be ...endurance through these life lessons will be rewarded with happiness and inner peace ...what I am trying to say here is...yes your suffering right now ...but later on you will see what it was all for and you will feel really awesome and strong for making it through ..empowered even!!...This is all about your personal growth!!!!....Ok so it might still get a bit worse from here on in ..but you cant go lower than rock bottom and Ive been there and you always come up again ...YOU ARE GONNA COME UP AGAIN (never thought I would...but I did after 7 years)...you are gonna survive this pain and heart ache and have a much greater understanding for life and the other people around you...You will then also have aquired the knowledge to help others through the same hard times..Just allow yourself the time you need to get through this ...Eat healthy food exercise and meditate to healing music..because this helps to be physically stronger to cope emotionally with your now challenging future...You can do this ok ...your going to survive this ...and your going to be a much better person...promise ...Just ride it out :)