Xanax Withdrawals, Going Through Hell

[Sabel86]

Today marks one week since my last Xanax. I was prescribed 3mg/day for the past 5-6 years now. This is the second time I have gotten off of Xanax. The first time I did not taper myself down, I quit cold turkey and went through hell. Rocking back and forth, crying uncontrollably, feeling like I was having a heart attack. This time I tapered myself off of the pill until I was down to .25/day and then I stopped the medication.

Tapering off the medication definitely made things a whole lot easier, however this time my thoughts are out of control. I thought being as though it's been a week I would feel better. Yesterday I spent the entire day in the bathroom vomiting. I thought maybe I had a stomach bug but then I saw other people posting about vomiting from Xanax as well.

This past weekend (Day 4 off of Xanax) I had a social obligation I could not get out of since a friend was coming from out of town. It took me several hours to get ready, mostly because I was just staring at a blank face in the mirror wondering how I was ever going to make it through the night. My heart was beating out of my chest, my breath short, hands shaking. I knew I was going to be incredibly socially awkward and I feared even leaving the house. So I did the only thing I knew would calm me down, I drank vodka. Being that alcohol is a downer I immediately felt at ease and was able to pull off acting like my "normal" self for the duration of the night.

My friend was in town for two days so the next morning I had to play tour guide. I woke and my hands were shaking, I couldn't piece together thoughts, so I reached for the vodka. (This was at 7am) I couldn't believe what I was doing, had things really gotten this bad that I had to resort to hard liquor moments upon waking?

I managed to pull off the day without my friend knowing what I was going through, at the same time counting down the seconds until they left so I could go back to being a hermit. The next day out the door left my friend, along with the vodka. I never intended on replacing one substance with another, I just didn't know how to deal.

Day 6 was yesterday where the puking began as soon as I woke up. Could alcohol have been a factor? Possibly, I'm not sure. Yesterday was a miserable awful day filled with muscle spasms, fear of taking my dog for a walk, and intense pains in the back of my head along with a rapid heart beat and suicidal thoughts. I must have stared at a bottle of aspirin for well over two hours. I'm not working right now, and I live alone so my responsibilities are a bare minimum. I am able to sleep all day if it weren't for the insomnia that comes with the withdrawals.

Today the vomiting ceased, thank goodness. After waking from another sleepless night (fell asleep at 5am and woke at 7am) I felt extremely exhausted but mustered up the energy to take the dog for a walk, do some light cleaning, and shower. The fact that I'm praising myself for being able to shower today baffles me. Has life really gotten this bad? A few times I've considered starting to play the online game "Second Life" just so I could be social without having to leave my house and actually interact with other people.

It's now 1am and technically day 8. I have just gotten back from the store since the only time I will go now is at night to avoid seeing people. The gas station attendant makes small talk with me and I almost break out in a sweat with anxiety.

I used to want a great career, lots of money, and of course love. Now, I just want to feel normal. I see people posting that it can take months, sometimes even longer to feel normal again. I've been seeing someone since May who is currently visiting family out of state. I chose to quit while he was away so I could deal with this on my own, he has no idea that I was addicted. He'll be home in 3 days and I've already told him I'm going to be away until next week just so I don't have to see him in this condition. How is it possible that one week sober I am still a mess, wasting my life away in bed. On Xanax I could stay in bed all day and watch movies without a care in the world. I cant even enjoy a movie, it's as if my body can't rest and relax. Even sleeping in relaxing, I'm awake every hour tossing and turning. Noises are the worst. My apartment complex moved the grass today, I felt as though I couldn't take another second of hearing the machines. The rage inside of me is overbearing. Every sound and noise rubs me the wrong way, the sounds of the TV are awful but it's better than the silence. Sometimes I just turn off the TV and watch the clock waiting for bed and hoping that when bedtime arrives I'll finally be able to rest. I try to hold back the tears but I can't. I don't want this life, and I'm not sure how much longer I can bare this hell.

[Trying2heal]

Anyone still here ...going threw Xanax withdrawal absolute hell ... & crazy part about it is ...today is day 20 of no Xanax . From only 4months of taking this piece of **** drug ...I only abused it perhaps 3 times in that 4 months ...but after that I was taking like a Crumb a day ..idk how familiar y'all are with the pill ..but they have those little lines in them ..say for instance one pill has 5 lines .. I would break those lines up so 1 pill would last me 5 days ..I did that for 4 months straight out of fear of having withdrawals ..from my 3 times of abuse ..SMFH ..so I thought that because my dosage wasn't even 1mg I wouldn't go threw withdrawals from this crap ..but here I am 20 days out ..just left the ER earlier today for a freaking panic attack .., that I've been fighting ever since ..as I type this ..just looking for hope & perhaps someone to talk to ... I feel so alone ..nobody understands what I'm going threw ..I get it ..it was my mistake but .. Ive been learning my lesson the hard way for 3 weeks now ..

[Sabel86]

Yesterday (day 12) my hands were shaking out of control and I was gasping for breath so hard I thought I would pass out. I started vomiting uncontrollably and finally broke down and called my Dr begging him to call me in prescription. I had to have my friend drive me to the pharmacy since I was shaking so bad. I got a script of 20 1 mg xanax and I hadn't even left the store before I popped the bottle, took a pill and chewed it up like it was candy. My tolerance has obviously gone down really fast because it wasn't long before I was passed out for the night on my couch. I had to drag myself out of bed this morning after getting almost 10 hours sleep. I quickly remembered why I wanted off of the drug in the first place, I'm a complete zombie, all I want to do is sleep, and I have zero motivation to do anything other than veg out in front of the tv. I made some coffee and quickly had the energy I had been missing, started cleaning my house, making food, and feeling pretty much back to normal. Then, I'm sure because of the caffeine I felt anxious again so I took  a half .5 mg. Now I'm back to zero energy, however quite relaxed, but wasting the day sitting on the couch! I'm completely useless on these things, but even worse off without them! How can I get my energy back without the side effects of anxiety that caffeine brings? Remeron sounds like it works great however I don't think I would be very happy with an increased appetite. I already struggle with trying to maintain a healthy weight and have gained 8 lbs since I came off of Xanax due to over eating. Basically, I'm just feeling awful because I'm back on these drugs and extremely depressed :(

[cnote]

Oh girl. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

You DEF. tapered WAYYYY too quickly.

I tapered off ativan in 2 months, and some would say that was too fast.

I have felt EVERYTHING you have felt, except for the vomiting, however there were times my stomach was so nauseated that I probably could have thrown up.

I would suggest 2 things, either 1. Getting back on a Xanax and doing a slower taper. There is no need to rush off of it. Think of it as a soft landing.

The insomnia is the worst. It may take a while to get good sleep. But you will make it!

Shooting pains in the head suck, but do not let that scare you! It's just withdrawal symptom. Those nerves have been sedated for 3 or 4 years, they are just misfiring, and expanding again.

Don't worry about the vomiting. It could have been a bug. Or it could have been withdrawal. But it doesn't matter. However, quit drinking vodka. That could just lead to another problem.

Heart rate increase is normal. The crazy thoughts are normal, but please seek medical attention if they are overwhelming.

I know the feeling about not being able to relax and enjoy a movie or anything.

The crying spells were bad for me too. It's all normal, and it's good to cry.

Loud noises got to me too. I also had tinitus, ringing of the ears.

But let me tell you something. THERE IS HOPE. :) I DID IT! I NEVER thought I would make it, but I DID.

Here's what I did. I was very scared, so I saw a psychiatrist who helped people with benzo withdrawal. He prescribed me Remeron 15mg. i took it for a few months while I weened off ativan. It helped SO MUCH.

Remeron helped me sleep, and gives you a major appetite which is great! It also helped with anxiety.

Also remeron was not hard to come off of.

Keep your head up, stay strong. IT DOES GET BETTER!

There are forums out there. I'm probably not allowed to post the site, but it helped me tremendously. I'ts w w w . ************ . org.

There are thousands of people going through what you are going through on there. It's a great support group, just like this site. :)

Hang tough! You will make it! But don't put yourself through too much torment! You don't have to do it that way! :)

[Paxiled]

Also, many people don't know this, but benzos are also anti-seizure medications.  When you quit too quickly they can cause seizures, so that's another risk we should all avoid.

[Paxiled]

Way too quickly.  It's not just because Xanax is addictive; the same would be true with antidepressants.  It takes the brain time to adapt back to working normally, and sometimes that can be very hard to do and can take a very long time.  The best way to minimize this risk is to taper off very slowly under the care of a psychiatrist who understands that everyone is an individual who needs to taper on their own speed -- and these are hard to find.  If it were me, just to be safe, I'd go back on the Xanax at the last dose at which you felt fine and work out a slow taper with a professional, but that's just me.

[Sabel86]

I tapered myself off of 3mg a day in 4 days, now I'm wondering if I did this too fast. Although I knew my body was dependent upon the Xanax, I never considered myself an addict because I did not abuse the medication or ever take it recreationally. When I came off of them the previous time I was only taking 1mg/day. As my stress and anxiety increased my Dr. upped my dose and soon I started needing more. I still felt like it was okay because I was taking the prescribed amount.

I have Melatonin and Valerian Root but I don't feel like either is helping. I'm considering e-mailing my Dr. today and asking to be put on .25/mg a day or trying a medication less risky.

Again, I hate to replace one medication with another, but these withdrawals have become unbearable.

Blogging helps, I really appreciate the feedback.

[Paxiled]

You say you tapered yourself off without help?  How long did you take to taper?  You might have needed to go slower -- we're all different.  There are also sometimes other drugs you can take to help.  If you tapered too quickly, you can try to go back on it at the last dose at which you felt fine and go even more slowly, as slowly as you need.  Or you can tough it out.  Apparently you've survived this before, so hang on to that.  If you don't want to use drugs anymore, there are relaxant herbs -- they aren't as potent, but might be of some help.  Passionflower, valerian, kava, hops -- there are a lot of relaxants in nature.  Some find that fish oil helps with withdrawals.  So if you're adamant about not tapering slower or other meds, which I can understand, you might try to find a naturopath or herbalist who can come up with a combination of remedies to ease your path.  Good luck.