Aa
assurance please
This is my first time to your forum. Thought I would give it a go.
I'm currently trying to get my head sorted out and really would like to hear from someone who truely understands what its like to be constantly worried and almost always sad.
I have some financial issues (helping out parents with failing business) so am working 3 jobs. My boyfriend lives in a different country that i hope to move to next year, but I have huge worries about leaving my family and coping without them and also major trust issues with my boyfriend (he has been unfaithful in the past). I am visiting my boyfriend now for a week and am staying with him in his parents house I find this so hard as i am constantly worried of not being good enough for them.
I have had one session with a counseler and found it hugely uncomfortable and not really helpful.
I really want to get back to being happy and confident and not so bloody scared all the time. Any ideas?
I'm currently trying to get my head sorted out and really would like to hear from someone who truely understands what its like to be constantly worried and almost always sad.
I have some financial issues (helping out parents with failing business) so am working 3 jobs. My boyfriend lives in a different country that i hope to move to next year, but I have huge worries about leaving my family and coping without them and also major trust issues with my boyfriend (he has been unfaithful in the past). I am visiting my boyfriend now for a week and am staying with him in his parents house I find this so hard as i am constantly worried of not being good enough for them.
I have had one session with a counseler and found it hugely uncomfortable and not really helpful.
I really want to get back to being happy and confident and not so bloody scared all the time. Any ideas?
Sent you a PM
Hugs ....
wolf
Hugs ....
wolf
Loved your comment "I'm not catholic, but I swear I was born with guilt" that so aptly descibes me to a tea! I am a terrible people pleaser. I can't seem to not do it. I definately can't do boundaries; although I do try. I have no support group family or friend wise so I end up falling for all kinds of manipulation and hence give in. Like lilyput said "usually letting people walk all over us much to our detriment" another aptly put statement. I want to change, but I can't get over guilt. Even if it isn't a person, just knowing God knows causes me guilt on so many things. I give and give and turn the other cheek; yet I am always getting the end of the stick that stinks.
your number one priority is YOU. so...you can put that at the top of your list :) be good to yourself. also, read-up on setting boundaries. it may prove helpful with your boyfriend and his parents. us "people pleasers" have huge difficulties with boundaries, usually letting people walk all over us much to our detriment.
remember this: you have to love yourself before anyone else can.
good luck girl!
lily
remember this: you have to love yourself before anyone else can.
good luck girl!
lily
Apologies for not replying. I've been very busy "people pleasing".
Where to start? If someone could just give me the magic potion that would allow me to just be me and not be constantly worried what people will think that would be great!
I know I need to take some time for me but find this pretty impossible with my nagging voice inside my head telling me people will think you are lazy or dependant and all that jazz! I'm not even a practicing Catholic but i swear I was born with the guilt!
Boyfriends parents issue...I am sure I blow this out of proportion but I really do find them hard work, background info is I am English my boyfriend is Greek (and lives in Greece) I speak a little Greek but as you can imagine worries of making a fool of myself stop me from talking...Greek or English! My boyfriends mom speaks no English and his stepdad speaks very good English and is most annoyed that I have not made the effort to learn Greek better. He has a very strong personality and I find it quite a strain to be around him as he cannot understand any of my concerns about moving to Greece. He's been there done it and although I'm sure he must have been through hard times he refuses to accept that I have viable concerns about leaving my family.
To lonewolf,
Why would I stay with my boyfriend if he has cheated on me? Ok please dont rant at me be i truely believe men and women are made of very different things when it comes to monogomy. Every relationship I have had in the past has ended because of this. I suppose I have given myself up to the belief that it will happen wether i like it or not.
He lives and works in a tourist area and the summer is 6 months of girls in bikinis drinking too much and desperate for a holiday romance with a man with an accent! Difficult for a young man to refuse. Not that it should make much difference but he assures me no sex was involved. Also these are my excuses not his and he has only ever shown me remorse regarding this.
To draw a line under that I love him and although i know i would cope without him I would really rather not.
I would really like to prioritize my problems as I know this is a good way for me to work through anything.. I love a good list! however everything just seems a bit blurry right now.
I'm in Greece at the moment so it feels like the issues about moving here a most prominant, I'm sure when I get home i'll have put that on the back burner and be more focused on money. Big sigh!
Anyway thankyou for your comments its helping me to stop pushing things into the background and start to deal with my feelings.
Where to start? If someone could just give me the magic potion that would allow me to just be me and not be constantly worried what people will think that would be great!
I know I need to take some time for me but find this pretty impossible with my nagging voice inside my head telling me people will think you are lazy or dependant and all that jazz! I'm not even a practicing Catholic but i swear I was born with the guilt!
Boyfriends parents issue...I am sure I blow this out of proportion but I really do find them hard work, background info is I am English my boyfriend is Greek (and lives in Greece) I speak a little Greek but as you can imagine worries of making a fool of myself stop me from talking...Greek or English! My boyfriends mom speaks no English and his stepdad speaks very good English and is most annoyed that I have not made the effort to learn Greek better. He has a very strong personality and I find it quite a strain to be around him as he cannot understand any of my concerns about moving to Greece. He's been there done it and although I'm sure he must have been through hard times he refuses to accept that I have viable concerns about leaving my family.
To lonewolf,
Why would I stay with my boyfriend if he has cheated on me? Ok please dont rant at me be i truely believe men and women are made of very different things when it comes to monogomy. Every relationship I have had in the past has ended because of this. I suppose I have given myself up to the belief that it will happen wether i like it or not.
He lives and works in a tourist area and the summer is 6 months of girls in bikinis drinking too much and desperate for a holiday romance with a man with an accent! Difficult for a young man to refuse. Not that it should make much difference but he assures me no sex was involved. Also these are my excuses not his and he has only ever shown me remorse regarding this.
To draw a line under that I love him and although i know i would cope without him I would really rather not.
I would really like to prioritize my problems as I know this is a good way for me to work through anything.. I love a good list! however everything just seems a bit blurry right now.
I'm in Greece at the moment so it feels like the issues about moving here a most prominant, I'm sure when I get home i'll have put that on the back burner and be more focused on money. Big sigh!
Anyway thankyou for your comments its helping me to stop pushing things into the background and start to deal with my feelings.
I think a lot of us are constantly worried/anxious and sad. It's another way of saying anxious and depressed because the two of them often go together. Can't speak for anyone else but I feel like that a lot.
Out of all the problems you are struggling with, which one bothers you the most? I know they all seem "tied up" but does one particular problem cause you more anxiety and/or depression.
Are these feelings recent or have you felt like this for a long time?
I'm going to be nosy and ask in a non-judgemental way - why would you stay with your
boyfriend if he has cheated on you in the past? Did he just do it once? Did he have a lot of partners? Do you think he cares for someone else than you? I'm not trying to make you feel bad, just trying to see if there is a way out of this that benefits YOU.
Maybe thinking about which problem bothers you the most, you can prioritize (such a cold word) and deal with these issues one at a time. Bad things seem to happen at the same time.
How could your boyfriend and his family think you are not good enough for them when you are working three jobs to help your family? My #2 son has worked two jobs and his girlfriend also works two jobs. He and his family don't seem to see what a devoted and hardworking person you are.
Counsellors - sometimes you have to shop for one until you find one you trust and feel safe with. Some of the therapists and shrinks I've seen are "crazier" than their patients. Is there a resource center or do you have friends or co-workers you can ask about possible therapists or shrinks? There is even the option of meds which, in my opinion, don't work without talk or cognitive or any other kind of therapy - and there is the possibility of addiction if your dr doesn't put you on them for a limited time.
Haven't been able to find any real solutions but maybe this, along with the other comments you received, will be helpful. Joining this forum is a good first step.
My eyeballs are beginning to fall out of my head (not really) but I am tired.
Hugs
wolf
Out of all the problems you are struggling with, which one bothers you the most? I know they all seem "tied up" but does one particular problem cause you more anxiety and/or depression.
Are these feelings recent or have you felt like this for a long time?
I'm going to be nosy and ask in a non-judgemental way - why would you stay with your
boyfriend if he has cheated on you in the past? Did he just do it once? Did he have a lot of partners? Do you think he cares for someone else than you? I'm not trying to make you feel bad, just trying to see if there is a way out of this that benefits YOU.
Maybe thinking about which problem bothers you the most, you can prioritize (such a cold word) and deal with these issues one at a time. Bad things seem to happen at the same time.
How could your boyfriend and his family think you are not good enough for them when you are working three jobs to help your family? My #2 son has worked two jobs and his girlfriend also works two jobs. He and his family don't seem to see what a devoted and hardworking person you are.
Counsellors - sometimes you have to shop for one until you find one you trust and feel safe with. Some of the therapists and shrinks I've seen are "crazier" than their patients. Is there a resource center or do you have friends or co-workers you can ask about possible therapists or shrinks? There is even the option of meds which, in my opinion, don't work without talk or cognitive or any other kind of therapy - and there is the possibility of addiction if your dr doesn't put you on them for a limited time.
Haven't been able to find any real solutions but maybe this, along with the other comments you received, will be helpful. Joining this forum is a good first step.
My eyeballs are beginning to fall out of my head (not really) but I am tired.
Hugs
wolf
Regarding your phrase about "verbally vomit", I've heard of "verbal diarrhea".
At last!! I finally get to meet a member of this forum who is on the same time zone as me (GMT) that is!!! I am only accross the water from you, in the Green Isle (EIRE).
You are going through quite a lot at the moment and it is enough to drive you up the wall. From what I have read of your post you seem to be really and truelly a "people pleaser" and if I was to guess I would say that you probably have always been that way inclined. You say you are working "3" jobs to help your parents out, and whilst I have great and huge admiration for you to be doing this in the first place, I also see a warning sign for you to stop and see the alarm bells here!!!! STOP!! and take things in your own stride - you are NOT superwoman, you do NOT have a mission to save the world and you do NOT have to resolve every single problematic situation in this entire world!!! Tell me if I am wrong, but I think that this is the way you are perceiving things in general, (believe me) I have been there and am still trying to get out of it to this day!! It is very hard I know because if you are anything like me, you just feel as though you cannot possibly do enough for anybody in general, and feel the need to constantly prove yourself, and perceive what other people might think of you.
You say you are going to stay with your boyfriends (parents included) for a short while. Why do you need to feel that you need to prove yourself to them????? that is just the underlying question you may wish to ask yourself??? you do not OWE them anything, if all they owe you the pleasure of your company and not the other way around. You are dating their Son and not them, so try to seperate the both if you can.
You are a good person and mean well to everyone, but do not give yourself a break that you already know that you deserve!!
As for counsellors, that can be very tricky indeed tricky!!! you see I do have a sense of humour after all!!!!!! seriously though, it is very hard to get to find yourself the right one. Personally let me tell you I went to my first counsellor about - let me see - five years ago, it was a male counsellor not that it really mattered as I didn't mind if they were going to be male or female, anyway like yourself I just didn't click with him, but I ended up giving him the benefit of the doubt and went back a second time, then a third time and I just knew I felt very uncomfortable around him, so swiftly changed to the next on the list, who happened to be a relatively good counsellor but still not to my cup of tea, he was priest and in fact went on to be a bishop of some sort, not that it had anything to do with me of course (only joking). Next I went to yet another counsellor and her name was Mary and she was the best ever, Brilliant, and I still think about her to this very day, anyway I saw her for a year or so and ended up moving house from Dublin to the Country (the midlands) so that was the end of Mary. Now I am seeing another female counsellor and she is from Holland and I barley understand her, but she is just all right, but If I am honest she tends to daydream quite a lot during sessions. So do you see where I am going with this. IT TAKES TIME TO FIND A GOOD COUNSELLOR and when you do, hang onto them.
Wish you all the best of look girlfriend, and don't hesitate to keep in touch.
Sorry for the rant, but sometimes it takes me a while to put my point accross.
Sunset
You are going through quite a lot at the moment and it is enough to drive you up the wall. From what I have read of your post you seem to be really and truelly a "people pleaser" and if I was to guess I would say that you probably have always been that way inclined. You say you are working "3" jobs to help your parents out, and whilst I have great and huge admiration for you to be doing this in the first place, I also see a warning sign for you to stop and see the alarm bells here!!!! STOP!! and take things in your own stride - you are NOT superwoman, you do NOT have a mission to save the world and you do NOT have to resolve every single problematic situation in this entire world!!! Tell me if I am wrong, but I think that this is the way you are perceiving things in general, (believe me) I have been there and am still trying to get out of it to this day!! It is very hard I know because if you are anything like me, you just feel as though you cannot possibly do enough for anybody in general, and feel the need to constantly prove yourself, and perceive what other people might think of you.
You say you are going to stay with your boyfriends (parents included) for a short while. Why do you need to feel that you need to prove yourself to them????? that is just the underlying question you may wish to ask yourself??? you do not OWE them anything, if all they owe you the pleasure of your company and not the other way around. You are dating their Son and not them, so try to seperate the both if you can.
You are a good person and mean well to everyone, but do not give yourself a break that you already know that you deserve!!
As for counsellors, that can be very tricky indeed tricky!!! you see I do have a sense of humour after all!!!!!! seriously though, it is very hard to get to find yourself the right one. Personally let me tell you I went to my first counsellor about - let me see - five years ago, it was a male counsellor not that it really mattered as I didn't mind if they were going to be male or female, anyway like yourself I just didn't click with him, but I ended up giving him the benefit of the doubt and went back a second time, then a third time and I just knew I felt very uncomfortable around him, so swiftly changed to the next on the list, who happened to be a relatively good counsellor but still not to my cup of tea, he was priest and in fact went on to be a bishop of some sort, not that it had anything to do with me of course (only joking). Next I went to yet another counsellor and her name was Mary and she was the best ever, Brilliant, and I still think about her to this very day, anyway I saw her for a year or so and ended up moving house from Dublin to the Country (the midlands) so that was the end of Mary. Now I am seeing another female counsellor and she is from Holland and I barley understand her, but she is just all right, but If I am honest she tends to daydream quite a lot during sessions. So do you see where I am going with this. IT TAKES TIME TO FIND A GOOD COUNSELLOR and when you do, hang onto them.
Wish you all the best of look girlfriend, and don't hesitate to keep in touch.
Sorry for the rant, but sometimes it takes me a while to put my point accross.
Sunset
That is my own personal term I came up with (not that others haven't thought of it as well)....but it is so fitting....*IM* the type of person who leaves the theraist with ringing ears when I'm done with them.
I would even be willing to bet a few of them reached for their OWN Valium after one of my sessions.
;0)
I would even be willing to bet a few of them reached for their OWN Valium after one of my sessions.
;0)
Verbally vomit!......I love it! Will definately give it a go. Thanks again :-)
LOL...yep...you sound like a CLASSIC anxiety sufferer.....and lol at you feeling the need to ask your therapist about HER feelings. We are such a difficult bunch aren't we?
ALLOW yourself to verbally vomit as much as you want. That IS after all, her job...and most of them are pretty darn good at it. Also, it helps sooooo much to talk to someone (a 3rd party) who isn't at all involved directly in your life.
I'm so glad to hear you are going to give it another shot. Sometimes, it just takes a few sessions for you to work through that deeply ingrained guilt over "whining" (which, incidentally, isn't "whining" at all).
You have an extraordinary amount of stress and HUGE changes facing you...I don't know ANYONE in the world who wouldn't be anxious. Honestly.
Keep us posted, OK? And know that you are FAR from alone.
ALLOW yourself to verbally vomit as much as you want. That IS after all, her job...and most of them are pretty darn good at it. Also, it helps sooooo much to talk to someone (a 3rd party) who isn't at all involved directly in your life.
I'm so glad to hear you are going to give it another shot. Sometimes, it just takes a few sessions for you to work through that deeply ingrained guilt over "whining" (which, incidentally, isn't "whining" at all).
You have an extraordinary amount of stress and HUGE changes facing you...I don't know ANYONE in the world who wouldn't be anxious. Honestly.
Keep us posted, OK? And know that you are FAR from alone.
Thank you. how kind you are.
I was refered to therapist by my doc as I cant afford to see one privately, and he is reluctant to dole out the meds (which is ok with me), so i will give this one another go, to be honest she was very nice I just feel very uncomfortable "moaning", I found myself wanting to ask her how she was feeling and to say sorry for going on at her!
Its true i have forgotten to take care of me and i hope i can remember how soon!
Thank you again for your post
I was refered to therapist by my doc as I cant afford to see one privately, and he is reluctant to dole out the meds (which is ok with me), so i will give this one another go, to be honest she was very nice I just feel very uncomfortable "moaning", I found myself wanting to ask her how she was feeling and to say sorry for going on at her!
Its true i have forgotten to take care of me and i hope i can remember how soon!
Thank you again for your post
Well, you are overwhelmed with an enormous amount of life stressors right now!!! Of course, that will add to your anxiety and depression.
The GOOD thing is...is that you have recognized it to be a problem and accepted that you likely need some help getting through it. I'm sorry that your first therapy session was a bust, but please do not give up. Try another therapist...there are a LOT of them out there. Sometimes it takes a bit of trying before we find the "right" person with whom we feel comfy blabbing on about ourselves. :0)
Also, talk to your family physician if you can if you are open to perhaps starting on a medication. They have been very helpful for many people, and there are many different options when it comes to medications for anxiety/depression.
Most importantly, keep aware of your feelings and symptoms and realize that...especially with all the huge changes and stress you have in your life right now....it is perfectly understandable for you to be feeling poorly.
Be kind to yourself....you are working so hard to please everyone else, and you have forgotten that you need to take care of YOU as well!
Best of luck to you.
The GOOD thing is...is that you have recognized it to be a problem and accepted that you likely need some help getting through it. I'm sorry that your first therapy session was a bust, but please do not give up. Try another therapist...there are a LOT of them out there. Sometimes it takes a bit of trying before we find the "right" person with whom we feel comfy blabbing on about ourselves. :0)
Also, talk to your family physician if you can if you are open to perhaps starting on a medication. They have been very helpful for many people, and there are many different options when it comes to medications for anxiety/depression.
Most importantly, keep aware of your feelings and symptoms and realize that...especially with all the huge changes and stress you have in your life right now....it is perfectly understandable for you to be feeling poorly.
Be kind to yourself....you are working so hard to please everyone else, and you have forgotten that you need to take care of YOU as well!
Best of luck to you.
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