Am i going crazy?

[crystikwa41]

Somebody help me. I am 25yo female with panic disorder. I have the minimum of 3 panic attacks a week and that is with medication but that is besides the point. Is it normal to want to kill people?  Like the drunk who put my 13yo nephew near his death bed. I have all these thoughts and no matter how hard I try to think about something besides killing her I can't. I've searched for her but luckily didn't find her. Do they make medicine for this or do i need to restrain myself? Thanks.

[Summer123]

I think it is perfectly normal to want revenge.  Of course if you think about it, actually killing this drunk will not help your nephew or yourself (how can it help if you are the one behind bars).  But, being mad, and thinking about it is a normal reaction to a horrible event.  I do hope your nephew will be alright and that the law will punish the drunk who did this to your nephew.  I also hope you will tell your doctor that the panic attacks have not gone away with whatever med/s you are on so that you can get them under control.  

[JSGeare]

Leaving the panic OUT of it (as you say) I certianly would have some aggressive feelings toward anyone who nearly killed my nephew -or any other family member. I don't know what the circumstances are, but is trhere any possibility the drunk may be brought before justice (meaning the "legal" kind)?

But let's plug the panic back IN for a moment. First of all, you can see how your sense of righteous indignation ("vengeance is mine, saith the Lord") has this interesting way of putting Mr. P in the back seat for awhile, n'est pas? Which tells you that panic does have a place in the psychological priority list, and ALSO tells you that YOU are actually capable of deciding where on the list it will go. So, that's good news.

Also, it is not uncommon for panic people to also have a high level of anger or judgmental atttitudes toward certain things, all stirred into a syrup of cynicism. Ring any bells? You bet.

To this day, crys, to this very day, I still fanatsize revenge scenarios about people who done me dirty in the past. And I tend to do so whenever there is something in current experience that triggers those "feelings." I'm not able to give myself a face slap and realize that whever I get caught up in the feelings and memories and fantasies, it tends to limit my options when it comes to resolving whatever challenge lies before me -bottom line, I get in my own way.

My opinion is that some time in therapy to work through these feelings and learn how they connect with other aspects of your life, self-image, sense of self-esteem and past experiences will make you much better for the experience. That's tough to do -much more difficult, perhaps, then actually sending the drunk punk to his greater reward. I KNOW what you're thinking: "Hey, wait a minute, this idiot almost kills my nephew, and I'M the one in therapy? What's the matter with this picture?" I actually agree. But that's just the point:

Your nephew is alive and I presume well.
The drunk is out of the picture
And you are left holding the bag. So - go empty the bag.

Would you please do me -and everyone here- a BIG favor? What you are going through is an experience with which many of us are unhappily familiar -it really is. If not killing, then torture or some other way of "makin' 'em pay." And nearly everyone of us eventually comes to grips with our feelings about it. It is highly instructive to:

A) know that others go through it, and
B) what they actually DO to manage the situation.

The favor: please stay in touch to advise us of your thoughts, what you have undertaken to get in control, and the on-going results.

Doing so is on the one hand yet one more burden for something that you didn't do, after all, but it will also -in the mere sharing- help you come to terms. I'll bet my retirement on it. Some responses to your post may arouse particular interest in you -feel free to PM anyone who gets that kind of attention. We're all in this together.