I'm just not too sure.

[Alexandraaa]

Ever since I was about 10, I remeber having huge anxiety issues. I would constantly worry about things such as my house burning down, my family having to move and leave everything I love, my mom dyig early in my life, etc. And back then, I would feel compelled to do things such as touch everything I walked by, tap something so many times, and other little things like that. Well, when I was about 13 I did not notice these compulsions that much anymore. Yes, I would still have my worries here and there, but they weren't as severe as they used to be. But now, a few years later, I am starting to worry like I never have in my entire life. Honestly, my anxiety has never been this bad before. It started off with me having these horrific, blasphemas (sp?) thoughts of the Lord. I would also envision myself terribly hurting other people. I had no control over them whatsoever, and I knew they were my own thoughts, but I didn't know WHY I was having them. Only once in a while would I feel compelled to do a certain task to make sure everything was "okay". Thus, giving me more anxiety. It made me question if I had OCD at all, or if I'm just going crazy. Then my  worries, or obsessions, began focusing primarily around my health. But, not as in what people would typically think regaurding being afraid of germs. I am deathly afraid of being diagnosed with fatal diseases, especially cancer. The thought of getting it just kills me inside. It makes me panic. When I think about getting cancer, my anxiety gets so severe. And usually I am having some sort of abdominal pain when I think thinking about it. In my other thread, I mention this abdominal pain I have been experiencing, so you can check that out if you must. Any slight pain I feel triggers my cancer anxieties to flare up. Also, I am constantly checking myself for signs of disease. Could that be a compulsion? I also fear what others may think of me. I am very picky with how I look. I basically have to look what I believe to be perfect at all times. If I don't, then I just have a horrible day. I get anxious to what others may be thinking of me and how I look, and I just want to hide in my room. And that's the thing, all I seem to want to do is hide in my room lately. I have no true want to go out with friends and just hang out anymore. I would much rather just be by myself. I feel safer that way, I suppose. I get antsy around other people at times, wondering what they're thinking of me and such. But sometimes I am okay, so that's kinda weird. Sooo, does that sound like some sort of social phobia I have developed? I have always been more of a shy and quiet person, but now I just feel so introverted. I'm just some what lost with all of this.

And I believe that this anxiety is causing me to loose weight. I used to be about 133 pounds, and yesterday I weighed myself and was 123. Months back in like, January I weighed myself and was 125 pounds. I went through an awful breakup and I wasn't eating like I should've been some days. But now like, I get hungry and such, but there are sometimes where I just don't feel like eating. Yet, I have my days where my appetite is good (usually on days when my anxiety is down). And of course the weight loss makes me jump to the conclusion that I have cancer, but I just don't know. I really know that I have to get into the doctor ASAP, because my anxiety is becoming unbarable. Half of the time I think I am dying. On the days where I believe I look "perfect" I tend to look in the mirror and be like, "What does this even matter? You're just gonna get cancer and loose all your hair. How perfect will you look then?" The extreme fear of cancer I have also makes me fear of how I'd look if I got cancer. And I am fully aware that that is completely selfish to think about, because there is waay more that goes along with having cancer than how you look. But yeah, thank you so much for reading all of this. I am just in great need of some advice and support in this.  I basically am just wondering if a person can have OCD without having that many compulsions (like I said, I have them here and there. Not like I used to), and if OCD can go away for a while then come back? I don't know. I would fully appreciate your guy's input on what I'm going through, if this is OCD or maybe something else going on. Bless you all.<3

[tampuhin]

i agree to alexandraa. you must see a doctor asap. regarding to your proposed anxiety a psychiatrist will help you but to your manifested low self esteem a psychologist will help you more.

[AJ39]

I am so don't have any authority in this arena, but it sounds like - yeah you are having anxiety issues with depression and very low self-esteem. Is there any way you can get a dr. appointment, best with a pediatric (under 18yrs?) psychiatrist, since this has been a problem for you since you were 10yrs. therapy will definitely be of use to help what triggered your low self-esteem -always having to look perfect-is always going to be very stressful - no one can do that- even superman has kriptonite.  if i had to deal with all that stress i would just want to hide also. and sometimes I do. But you need help! Talk with your parents and you need to see specialist. Good luck to you. keep in touch to just talk. I'll be here.