anxiety is ruining my relationship

[Wanz1978]

I have been married for seven yrs. 3 kids age 7,3,and 2. 9months ago my wife had a gastric bypass and has. Gone from asize 26 jeans to a 3. She has more motivation to do things now. Thinking back I have always had n anxiety problemcontroling her and jealousy. Now it has tripled with her looking nice. We have been seeking counsling, individually and together. I am on blood pressure pills and zoloft. For the last 6 months we have been fighting but together for the kids. I just feel like everything she does is a secret and feel extremely paranoid about everything how she dresses, things she wears, her social activities and me asking questions about all this stuff just ushes her further away. My counselor said its my anxiety taking over, had my med increased, but still all I think about is our future. I've never had any reason to not trust her. I go to work and can't get it out of my head, my counselor said to play games with my mind to preoccupy it. Doesn't seem to work. She also suggested reading mind over mood. What do I do?

[cheshchesh819]

without sounding offensive too you because that is the last thing i want to be,but i thinkyou are pushing your wife away,your constant questions are probably get her down as much as you,if you are both seeing a councillor then you really need to address your jelousy,it seems to me that at this present moment your marriage is just a convinience for the sake of your children,you are both still young and should be enjoying yourselves,i know it is hard with the kids,and you working the hours you do,but if you dont stop this constant parania you will both end up hating each other.

[Wanz1978]

Thanks guys for the advise, my counselor says go home in a good mood, and maybe i 'll alter her mood. I drive truck so I have plenty of time to sit andd think and worry. Just can't get some of the thoughts out of my head. Her 30th bday is comin up, and she told me she doesn't want me there, because she's going with her freinds and her and I can go out another nite for supper. All this stuff feels like big secrets. If she goes out I can't sleep till she gets home, and then she tells me what she did and then the anxiety kicks in and it turns in to a fight. I don't know how to control it. She told me she is so upset with me because of my behavior, there is no emotional connection there, this drives me nuts, I need some type of emotion tward me. What do I do? If I try for some type of emotion from her it just upsets her, and me eventually. What kind of relationship is this?

[cheshchesh819]

take each day as they come,at the moment you sound like you are on a rollercoaster ride trying to fix the world you live in before it has happened,you are fast tracking everything,take a step back look at what you have and enjoy it,leave for the moment not the next five to ten years,what ever will happen will happen.

[CassCore]

I know it may be hard since your wife has had this new found confidence to feel a little intimidated. You may have some low self-esteem too, for example: my sister has always been heavier than me...recently she has lost a lot of weight and looks wonderful. People comment all the time on how good she looks and I feel not as great as I used to! I am still very happy for her but I get jealous of other's comments and her cute clothes. Anyway,  just like you are adjusting to this new body your wife has doesn't mean your wife isn't. Being over weight can often be very depressing for people and now she's learning how to dress her new body and is feeling so good about herself. Don't mistake confidence for flirtatiousness with other men...she probably just feels more approachable and is in general more outgoing. She has been with you for seven years...she obviously loves you and that is not going to change, but you need to support her and be happy about her new body. Tell her she looks good instead of making her feel bad for wearing new clothes. In the meantime it may help to work on something you are unhappy with about yourself. For instance, if you are overweight join a gym and go on a diet, or if you feel outdated go buy a new outfit and get a new haircut. Something to make you feel better and more confident might really help your relationship this way you are not bitter about her change and confidence. As for the anxiety and paranoid-ness try and relax. I suffer from panic disorder so I know it's hard, but if you support your wife (without accepting outlandish behavior from her) she will respond better to you. Voice your concern with her in a calm adult manner; for example say "Honey, I am having a harder time than I thought adjusting to this change. I think you look wonderful and I am worried about not being good enough anymore and that you may want to find someone else. I do not want this to happen. I want to work on our relationship so that I feel more confident and so that I do not bring you down when I should be excited about your new confidence and change." I really hope this helps you...sorry for the length!!!