Hello all,
I am a 24-year-old female.
I have had a therapist tell me that I have a form of OCD, but then a psych tell me a year or two later that I don't... it's very confusing... Now she thinks I may have borderline personality disorder but honestly, I just don't think so. My obsessive thoughts rule a great deal of my life, and all my depression seems to stem from them, specifically. Besides... I've never really heard of BPD occurring in children... (have you?)
I have been fairly obsessed for most of my life with being a good person, and being afraid that I am a bad person. This started in childhood, when I was about 9 years old. It began with me confessing to my mom just about everything I'd ever done wrong or thought I'd done wrong. She would tell me it was okay, but then I just couldn't let it go, whatever it was... until the next obsession came along. I still worry obsessively about things I did in my childhood and am convinced that they make me unworthy of my family, friends and boyfriend's love.
Most of my childhood obsession revolve around a period of time when I was 7 years old and learned about sex from the kids at school and then from my mom. I guess I was totally overwhelmed and fascinated with it, then again, so were most of my friends, it seemed. I did some kind of weird stuff back then, I guess just out of sheer curiosity. I have a couple memories in particular that torture me: Being desperately curious about sex and what it was like and thinking, "Hey, my brother's a boy, maybe I could have sex with him!" I remember going into his room and pulling at his diaper, I guess thinking about having sex with him. He would have been about 3. I don't remember touching him at all, though, just pulling at his diaper. We were both laughing. But I guess I've always thought that it was really really bad and that I did something I just don't remember, something awful. I also remember dancing naked in front of the window when I was 7, when I saw that our neighbors were awake across the street with the light on. I was pulling at my vagina and I guess showing it off or something. I don't really think that anyone saw me. Anyway, it's those two memories that absolutely torture me. As far as I know, this intense sexual interest in my childhood only lasted a few months or a year or so, and then I think I lost interest. And by 9, I was feeling intensely guilty about that period of time when I was really interested in sex, believing myself to be a very bad person. I guess those are the two memories that my mom was the most surprised at when I told her as a 9 year old, and for some reason her reaction stays with me.
It's hard for me to even confess all of this anonymously. I'm still afraid that someone will read this and think that I really did do something that was really screwed up. Deep down I really do think I'm a pretty normal person, I'm an artist and writer and I guess pretty sensitive... but I obsess and obsess over these things until I want to die. I've had a lot of other obsessions in the past, fear of having AIDS, fear that I secretly hate my family, hearing terrible thoughts in my head, being afraid I'll hurt someone, etc, etc. I also have a fairly obsessive fear about getting pregnant regardless of how protected I am.
Does anyone else obsess about their childhood? I guess my compulsion would be that I feel the overwhelming urge to confess to people (still,) everything that I've ever done wrong. I feel that they can't possibly love me without knowing the "truth", and on some level I think I want to be told that I really am an evil person in order to justify the anxiety.
I'm afraid that by "confessing" this to you (any of you,) that I have just acted out my compulsion again. I always get temporary relief from confessing, but it never ever lasts. I guess it would just be good to know if other people have obsessions with being a good person or being evil or unworthy, and if they try to justify this belief by picking out things from the past.
Thanks for reading. I'm sorry this is so long, but it does feel good to write it down... (for the first time)
thank you
good luck to all,
tara