fear of being a bad person, unworthy of love, etc

[ptaradactyl]

Hello all,
I am a 24-year-old female.
I have had a therapist tell me that I have a form of OCD, but then a psych tell me a year or two later that I don't... it's very confusing... Now she thinks I may have borderline personality disorder but honestly, I just don't think so. My obsessive thoughts rule a great deal of my life, and all my depression seems to stem from them, specifically. Besides... I've never really heard of BPD occurring in children... (have you?)
I have been fairly obsessed for most of my life with being a good person, and being afraid that I am a bad person. This started in childhood, when I was about 9 years old. It began with me confessing to my mom just about everything I'd ever done wrong or thought I'd done wrong. She would tell me it was okay, but then I just couldn't let it go, whatever it was... until the next obsession came along. I still worry obsessively about things I did in my childhood and am convinced that they make me unworthy of my family, friends and boyfriend's love.
Most of my childhood obsession revolve around a period of time when I was 7 years old and learned about sex from the kids at school and then from my mom. I guess I was totally overwhelmed and fascinated with it, then again, so were most of my friends, it seemed. I did some kind of weird stuff back then, I guess just out of sheer curiosity. I have a couple memories in particular that torture me: Being desperately curious about sex and what it was like and thinking, "Hey, my brother's a boy, maybe I could have sex with him!" I remember going into his room and pulling at his diaper, I guess thinking about having sex with him. He would have been about 3. I don't remember touching him at all, though, just pulling at his diaper. We were both laughing. But I guess I've always thought that it was really really bad and that I did something I just don't remember, something awful. I also remember dancing naked in front of the window when I was 7, when I saw that our neighbors were awake across the street with the light on. I was pulling at my vagina and I guess showing it off or something. I don't really think that anyone saw me. Anyway, it's those two memories that absolutely torture me. As far as I know, this intense sexual interest in my childhood only lasted a few months or a year or so, and then I think I lost interest. And by 9, I was feeling intensely guilty about that period of time when I was really interested in sex, believing myself to be a very bad person. I guess those are the two memories that my mom was the most surprised at when I told her as a 9 year old, and for some reason her reaction stays with me.
It's hard for me to even confess all of this anonymously. I'm still afraid that someone will read this and think that I really did do something that was really screwed up. Deep down I really do think I'm a pretty normal person, I'm an artist and writer and I guess pretty sensitive... but I obsess and obsess over these things until I want to die. I've had a lot of other obsessions in the past, fear of having AIDS, fear that I secretly hate my family, hearing terrible thoughts in my head, being afraid I'll hurt someone, etc, etc. I also have a fairly obsessive fear about getting pregnant regardless of how protected I am.
Does anyone else obsess about their childhood? I guess my compulsion would be that I feel the overwhelming urge to confess to people (still,) everything that I've ever done wrong. I feel that they can't possibly love me without knowing the "truth", and on some level I think I want to be told that I really am an evil person in order to justify the anxiety.
I'm afraid that by "confessing" this to you (any of you,) that I have just acted out my compulsion again. I always get temporary relief from confessing, but it never ever lasts. I guess it would just be good to know if other people have obsessions with being a good person or being evil or unworthy, and if they try to justify this belief by picking out things from the past.
Thanks for reading. I'm sorry this is so long, but it does feel good to write it down... (for the first time)
thank you
good luck to all,
tara

[Paperboy10101]

I gat the same issues too..but i dont believe its a medical problem...but i just cant shake it off.

[lostmermaid]

Hi! I'm not sure if you still check this since its been a year since you posted but i'm going through almost if not the exact same thing as what you've described. I can't tell you how good it feels to know someone else has gone through what i am currently going through. I wish I could speak to you through email. . .I'm 25 female and keep remembering a certain incident in my childhood involving sexual play that bother me sooo much and i cant get it out of my head. It has really depressed me I don't know how to live this way! It awful but atleast there is someone out there who knows what i'm going through. I feel like I also have to tell anyone i'm close to things i've done wrong and even when they say its Ok or that's normal kid stuff I still can't let it go. My therapist who I just started going to when I recalled this memory has diagnosed me with O.C.D. I try to make peace with it and move on but it won't leave my mind. It's driving me crazy and ruining my life.

[nate0]

As I read your post it reminded me a lot of me! I am a 22 year old male and I had very similar experiences growing up. I have had anxiety for as long as I can remember and I worry a lot about being the perfect person. I have struggled over the years with it and when I was first diagnosed I could not stop thinking that it was something in my past that caused me to have these difficulties with anxiety, but I have since learned that it is not a cause of something in my past, but a trial that I have been given in my life. Everyone has different trials, but this is one that was given to me. The anxiety is what makes you feel that you are a bad person, it does not mean that you are. It tricks you into believing this because it gives you obsessive thoughts and feelings that go along with those thoughts to trick you into believing that it is true. We all make mistakes and that's just how life is. It depends on us to decide if we will pick ourselves up and move forward or if we will dwell on these mistakes. I have also learned that the only person that can help us do this successfully is the Savior Jesus Christ. He suffered and died for all of us including you so that He can help you. He is there and WILL help if you but ask and "come unto him" like He invites all of us in Matthew 11:28-30. I know this to be true because He has done it for me.

P.S. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints

[mifegr]

I got that scripture wrong, it's actually....
"If we confess our sins, He is faithful to forgive us our sins, and cleanse us from all unrighteousness." 1John1:9

[mifegr]

Hi Tara.  Do you realize that you have "persistant anxiety disorder?"  You need to be on medication Tara.  I have persisant anxiety disorder too.  I used to obsess just like you do.  Get yourself to a psychiatrist and get on some medication.  You will not obsess about yourself so much.  Trust me on this.  I can't believe you have been suffering like this for this long.  Also, remember that God loves you.  There is nothing that you can do that can make God love you any more than He does.  And there is nothing that you can do that can make Him love you any less.  There is a scripture in the bible that says, "If we confess our sins He is faithful to remove our sins as far as the east is from the west."  If you go before God and sincerely ask Him to forgive you for the sins you have committed that you know of, and even the ones you don't, He will gladly do just that.  Then all you have to do is thank Him, and let it go.  There is a woman who is a devout catholic and also a true prophet of God.  The Lord speaks to this woman and she has put what He has said in these little books called "Volumes."  You would get a great deal of peace if you read them.  Go to a web site called, Direction For Our Times.  You can read them on their site, or buy them for $5 a piece.  Anyway, this priest did not believe that Jesus speaks to her (He has been speaking to prophets forever) and said to her, "Ask Jesus to tell you what my greatest sin was before becoming a priest."  So, she did and the next time she saw this priest he said, "Well, what did He say?" and she said, "He said,'I don't remember'."  That's our Lord.  Confess it, and forget it.  He does.

[Strength123]

I cannot even explain how much I appreciate that you posted this.  I actually wish that I could meet you to tell you how much I admire you and your courage.  I didn't display the exact same behavior but very similar in that it drove me mad with fear.  Similar circumstanses as well.  Children have normal playful interest in what they don't know.  Those playful innocent occurances didn't begin to plauge my mind until I was in a bad relationship for over a year.  My ex had told me that he had been molested while we were in a fight.  I had always felt so much for victims of abuse and he later used the topic in fights to get in my head.  I was no saint but I would never have thought my worries could lead to this one.

I became to question things I had done that I used to just think as innocent and not devious at all.  I became obsessed with his loss of innocence and wondered if I was a predator as well.  Or if I could be.  Even though that thought had never crossed my mind in my whole life.  I had a wonderful childhood and had always been optimistic even thought I've had anxiety since I was 7.  It was tormenting because I have always liked kids and never questioned that I was a good person.  Now its been over a year and I have already come to the conclusion that I could never have children because I am afraid that I will become what I hate.  I want children when I get older.  I want to live my life to the fullest.  I obsess about it more than ever now even though I am living a good life with someone who treats me with every ounce of respect.  I think it hit so hard because the relationship with my ex was from I was 14 until I was about 17.  I am going to be 18 very soon.  I am terrified because I feel that my life is already ruined by compulsive thoughts that I might become evil, sick, and devious.  Please, if anyone is reading this, I need input.  Please.