Sometimes I really hate myself...

[WorriedOne84]

After wasting the last 10 years of my life, I finally decided to talk to someone about my anxiety.  I've been speaking with a counselor, 6 sessions in the last 2 months, and also went to a psychiatrist.  Been taking Lexapro, 10 mg, for 18 days now.

Mostly I have social anxiety but things really went down hill when I started having tons of health anxiety after having surgery (gallbladder) in December.  Afterwards, I convinced myself something else was wrong and that I was dying - which really made me start evaluating my life, and my life is pretty lame and pathetic.

Even though I'm not having as much anxiety about my health, now I'm finding it more difficult to go out in public by myself.  I feel nervous and think that people can tell I'm nervous and are staring at me.  Also terrified I might see someone I know.

I just feel really frustrated by where my life is compared to other people my age.  My best friend from high school, who I haven't seen in several years, wants me to do something with her this week. I can't go!  I don't know what to talk about with her.  She is married, has 2 kids, and also completed college.  None of those things seem to even be a possibility.  I'm 26, working at the same job I had in high school, college dropout, and have never been on a date.

No matter how much counseling I go to, or what medication I take, it's not going to help.  The last time I checked you can't buy confidence and self-esteem, which is what I'm lacking - it doesn't come in pill form.  Maybe I'm wasting time and money with counseling and medication.

It such a lousy feeling to be stuck the way I am - no goals, plans, and really nothing to get excited about in my life.  Just doing the same thing day after day.

[izgubljena]

At least you know you're not alone. I think I never met anyone who had such accurate  description of this symptoms that we both feel.
But -messing everything up- isn't even close to the truth.Just because you made some mistakes in the past (like everyone did) doesn't mean that you won't achieve anything you wish in the future.
You just have to let others go and start to think about yourself.I know how difficult that is because I'm struggling with that too since I was 14 years old.No one except yourself can convince you that you're smart,beautiful and worth of your place in the society,and that every stranger who looks at you isn't automatically your enemy.
I can see by your style of writing messages that you're really well educated and intelligent-and the fact that you're working in the same place as you worked in highschool isn't because you're less capable -it's because you live in constant fear.
Fear of moving on.You need to meet new people,open yourself to your good friends,and think about what you want,what are your goals.After that,try to occupy yourself doing everything you can to make your dreams come true.If you achieve success,keep on going.If not,don't get in a depression right away(that's what I used to do so as we are so similar,I suppose you react in the same way).Keep fighting for your goals.
And please be aware that you need to see yourself as your best friend,not your worst enemy.It's hard but I hope you and I will both make it!! :)

[WorriedOne84]

Thanks for your response.  Yep, that's exactly how I feel when trying to have conversations.  I can't even focus on what other people are saying because I'm thinking about how much better they are than me.  When I think about what the future holds for me, it's scary.  How will I ever be able to really function normally in society?  One minute, I can tell myself that things are going to be okay and that I haven't messed everything up. Then, the doubt comes right back and I question why I'm trying - also thinking if I had just done this or that how different things would be for me now.  Maybe, just maybe, I wouldn't be the miserable person that I am.  I want to feel that my life has meaning, right now I don't feel that at all.  I'm just stumbling through everyday with no goals, plans, hopes, or dreams.  It's not where I want to be but I don't know what to do.  Hanging out with former friends just doesn't seem like an option right now because I really think it'll only make me feel worse about myself.  I do have people in my life that I can talk to, for the most part, not that I feel as though they really understand.  Sometimes I just get so frustrated with myself because I can't stop worrying about what people think of me, them judging me, and not feeling good enough.

[izgubljena]

dear lady,i understand you 100%.
i know that stupid feeling of not being comfortable in a conversation with people (even friends) because in your mind you're repeating that you aren't good enough and you don't "fit" in their company but you have to know that we are all human,all from the same skin and flesh-you aren't less worthy,you're just frightened,like me.There is a phase in life when you think you f*cked it up for good-but every mistake gets forgotten,every error you did can be fixed,you just need a goal.I need it too and at the moment i am trying to find something to live for.
It can be a person,idea,it can be anything.Isn't that great?
You have a freedom to choose the direction of your life-everyone has it -only not many people are aware of that.
Don't screw it because you're afraid.And meet with your friend,talk about how you feel.It's totally natural and maybe even better than any therapy.Good luck

[cheshchesh819]

i def agree with you you are lacking confidence and self esteem,you have to try to put an aim in your life and go for it,think what have you always wanted to do,if you were granted 3 wishes what would you choose.Also why dont you just try to meet up with your friend tell her how you have been feeling,maybe that would take the weight off your shoulders,a problem shared is a problem halved,and you might even surprise yourself and enjoy it,in the mean time we have all gone through what you are going through,and we are all here to help,also sorry for long post have you been to your doctor lately?