it's overtaking my life :(

[Scaredtohavehiv]

Hello all,
I know I need serious help, I just dont know where to go to find it.
I ran into what seems like a never ending cycle of HIV testing, eventually leading me to a false positive result (so they say). I have spent so much time and energy thinking about this disease that it has overtaken a majority of my life. Every free moment I get, I am reading about it.

The "what ifs" and whatnot are driving me insane. I try to talk myself out of thinking about it. I tell myself, "hey, you took 7-8 tests with negative results, you're western blot was negative, why are you stresing?" Then I say "but wait, how can you be okay if you got a postive test?" I KNOW this is NOT normal thinking. It may be guilt, it may be that I really am positive, but tests arent showing it..who knows..

I've tried looking for professional help, but i had no luck. Everyone i reached out to says that they meet with hiv positive patients who are referred to them. I live in a small town in california, not much resources regarding this topic.

I'm always on the edge, avoiding people and my family. I want no one to talk to me and i do not want to see anyone. There are moments when i get so deep into my thoughts that i flare up in heat and my heart beats like crazy.

please help me. any advice i can get, i will take.
and thank you for reading my story..

[nursegirl6572]

This is an ANXIETY forum.  It will not help you to keep discussing HIV.  You don't have HIV...you have anxiety, and possibly OCD.  What have you done to start addressing that?  Have you made a doctor's appointment?

There's a lot you can do yourself before seeing a doctor....you can order some books to start educating yourself about this...you can journal your thoughts and feelings...you can shut the computer off and take a walk.  Resist the urge to searcg the web about HIV,

To come back here EVERY time you "think" you feel something amiss in your body, and us engaging in a conversation with you about it. is NOT helping you.  We'll be glad to discuss how to address the anxiety, but we've already told you that our assessment is that you are HIV free, with conclusive test results.

[Scaredtohavehiv]

Please anyone..
I'm still experiencing the pain. It's in and off pain,not constant

[Scaredtohavehiv]

I'm experiencing some under the armpit pain. I'm scared that my lymph nodes are swollen. I don't feel lumps when I feel around. Can you feel swollen lymph nodes?? I'm scared I'm going through Ars..

[Scaredtohavehiv]

Thank you nursegirl. You're an angel and I'm so thankful. I hope I can help myself get through this. And thank you for the refeal. There's so much drs can do, I know a majority of it will be in my hands to help myself

[nursegirl6572]

No, it's not possible.  Even YOUR rational mind knows this, it's the anxiety and fear that makes you dioubt it.  You had multiple negative tests.  If you were really infected, most of those (if not all) would have been +.

[nursegirl6572]

Also, it may be helpful for you to get some insight on how to deal with these intrusive thoughts in the OCD community, the community leader there, "JG" is super.

[Scaredtohavehiv]

Thank you so much nurse girl. And thank you for helping me out on the other trend as well.
Nurse girl, please don't shoot me down when I ask the next question. Is there any way that the western blot could be wrong and the Elisa be correct. You read my other trend in the prevention forum and the dates I tested on. That is my biggest fear and the main source of my anxiety

[nursegirl6572]

Dolphin is right on the money.  You need to find a therapist with experience in treating OCD.  Even if you don't HAVE OCD, your thought processes are identical to those of someone suffering from ocd.

You need to learn how to break the cycle.  Start making phone cals and get some help.  The longer you put it off, the harder it will be to reign these thoughts in.

Best of luck!

[Scaredtohavehiv]

Thank you dolphin.
It definitely is rough to accept things the way they are. I keep questioning everything. Even questioning if the confirmation test was correct or not.
OCD may be what I'm suffering from, I don't know. I'm scared to even meet with a dr, mainly because they'll make me test again and it will come back positive. I know I have several negative tests, but why is it that they mean nothing next to a positive one?!
;(

[dolphin8808]

You need to look for a therapist who works with hypochondria and / or O.C.D.. I suffer from health anxiety as well and sometimes taking the word of the docs is a battle in itself. You always default to the "what ifs."

But like I said, you need to find a therapist who specializes in OCD. They can teach you how to break the cycle of the negative thoughts and to accept what you are being told.

I know it's rough, especially when you had a false positive.  But your follow up tests have shown very clear that it is indeed a false positive, now you just need to mentally accept it