Diagnosed with schizophrenia, anxiety and social phobia disorder

[mikehuey12]

Hi, I'm new to this forum, although I have this user and thread in some other forums for diff. feedback. I wanted to make this thread explaining my life and how I cope with such. This is a LONG thread. Everyone please read. Well, here it goes...

I'm 20 years old, I never started to develop any of these symptoms until I started smoking weed. From elementary school, I was bad, active and a class clown... always like attention. From middle school, I was kind of shy always used to sit in the back of class and never like to be called on by the teacher. Those are typical things in middle school many kids go thru. Around high school I was shy and quiet as well but was more outspoken (because I felt I needed to mature). While in high school, I started experimenting with weed with my step brothers. I was always anxious, I was never pressured to smoke it.

While I was smoking with my step brothers I started to smoke weed, hang around thugs, have sexual intercourse with women, thieves and started to involve in criminal things. I just felt the need to do things that were manly. reason being, is because my only "real" brother I grew up with is 100% feminine. I started to feel I was turning feminine but didn't want to go that route. Anyway, while smoking weed, I started to skip high school, do criminal things, and try to be a far as feminine as possible. I started to think people thought I was "soft" so that's why I took on character of that sort.

So I was smoking and over some months, years, I start to realize when I smoke weed how I become defensive. Like thinking people are watching me, people are talking about me. Just a lot of un-controlling thoughts. Long story short I, from smoking weed, I quit my full-time job and I stopped dealing with outside people (besides immediate family I live with) completely. My whole family has realized this whole situation now, and understand, although they may not like it. I don't even like going outside let alone outside my room. I don't even like talking to anyone over the phone. I'm even distant to my family, our relationship (because of my symptoms), is very distant. I can be in my house walking to the kitchen, and (from my brother, mother or step dad) I'll walk right past them without saying 1 word. I know because of me and my symptoms, they don't understand a lot, and the house is really quiet.

My life from a few years when I didn't even have 1 problem until now has been horrific.

I went to therapy, and a pdoc which I stopped going to both because I literally can't be around anyone. It's like once I'm around someone I start acting weird, something clicks in my brain to be defensive. But, while I was at my pdoc, she diagnosed me with schizophrenia, anxiety and social phobia disorder. She prescribed me Paroxetine (.5mg) and Risperidone (.25mg). I finished both pres. and even refilled and finished those, but didn't seem to help really. Also, when I'm in public, when everyone walks past me, I stare them directly in they're face, because I'm trying to figure out what are they thinking about me. Those thought I cannot control now. I'm to the point now where I'm on my laptop all day, I don't interact with my family (unless they come in my room or call me) and I can't even sit at the dinner table with them to eat. My mom has brought my food to me countless times, because I was afraid to go in the kitchen while everyone was in they're to get my food. These problems has made me weird and no one understands.

A quick daily summary to the things I do everyday (same things everyday for a years, still continuing)

*Morning - Wake up, eat, go back to my room, get on the internet. Someone calls the house if no one is here but me, if It isn't any of my immediate family in here or my sister I'll be afraid to answer it. If my mom or step dad has company I'll jet back to the room and close my door. If my mom calls me and I know my step dad is in there, I'll ignore as if I didn't hear her.

Noon, afternoon and night time is the same as morning, all day everyday for a year now... even thought I had these problems for years now it finally got bad to the point where I can't even leave my house. When I go outside I'm looking to my left and right to see if they're is any neighbors looking at me. If I'm cutting the grass I won't focus on looking at anything around me but the line I'm going in cutting grass. The whole neighborhood talks about me and mocks the things I do when I go back in the house and look out the window. It's all weird and I made all the neighbors dislike be because of my symptoms they don't understand. I am fully aware of my problem but I cannot help to shake it, I just act normally like this.

I can't go anywhere without EVERYONE stopping, just clueless, wondering why I appear like this. So I just stay in the house in my room ALL day.

I don't interact with and of my family I even act defensive and weird to them too, although I let them know that harming them never crossed my mind. I interact with them sometimes everyday for short periods but even they get sick of my symptoms because they don't understand fully either. I love them and would protect them from an army if I had to. I don't have 1 problem with anyone I may offended, because this is a problem with me. They will never understand because I don't have time to explain to the hundreds if not thousands of people that find me offensive and avoid me.

I developed talking very fast to and everyone in my house talks like me, too. I find it annoying not only they talk like me, they act like me in ways with my symptoms. Like now I can't even focus on anything without using my peripheral vision, because I'm used thinking everybody is watching me. They do the same thing when I'm around also. My sister's boyfriend doesn't like me because he thinks I don't like him and he thinks I watch his movements out the corner of my eye to be nosy or something. I can go on and on, but I'm sure you all get the picture. I might seem calm but I'm struggling really bad. I can't do anything at all anymore. I used to never be able to sit in the house, now I feel it's the most comfortable place for me, because I can be my true self and no one doesn't have to judge me. Most people can't even stay still, let alone in the house, I can't leave the house and feel very content here. I'm satisfied right now because I feel I can;t do anything.

I here about benzos and opiates to help some of the symptoms I have. maybe I can take them to help me even get out and do what I have to do, until I get my normal feel for life back. Please help, Please comment.

What would you guys do?

[RubyWitch]

I'll tell you the absolute truth about what I'd do if I was in your head. I would go the nearest large hospitals ER and tell them that my thoughts were out of control and I was very scared. I would ask for a 72 hour vlountrary cimmitment. They will have a staff psych do an evaluation and if he/she thinks a 72 hour hold would be beneficial, then they will have you admitted. Please don't think of this as walking into an insane asylum and nobody will ever see you again. You are there voluntarily and they cannot, by law, force you to stay.

The ONE line out of your entire narrative that makes me believe this is the best choice for you right now is when you wrote........." I don't interact with and of my family I even act defensive and weird to them too, although I let them know that harming them never crossed my mind."

I gotta tell ya.......if one of MY sons was trying to deal with all your issues and he said that to me, I would be scared.
You never thought about harming them.........but you obviously thought about NOT harming them, so, in essence, harming them WAS something you thought about. You must have thought about it enough to feel you needed to reassure them you weren't going to harm them.

I think you're a good person who got derailed long before you bagan smoking pot, so I wouldn't place too much blame on that. Your story WAS long, but I think there is one hell of alot left out.

You asked what I'd do and I've told you. I would be terrified of harming myself or others, I would not be able to stand living the way you do, thinking the way you do and I would want to feel better, healthy and healed.
I'd check myself into the Psych Unit and beg for help.