Such a hidden anger for the ones i love

[Omusicgame]

I cant take this abuse i get in the morning.  Who is the abuser? The answer is me.  I vowed to not abuse myself with regret and pity but yet i go again.  I wake up next to my wife, as she goes to church, my head almost feeling unconscious as a million lashings have torn my cerebral cortex.
It wasnt like this last night tho.  I was happy, enjoying everything, watching a movie, and yet again as i go to bed happy i wake up in a vast unbalanced pit.  Was it the drugs I ask, was it the family relationship i had, is it just a hidden anger i have for my wife?  WHat is it??!!!  Tell me!!!  Is it that i have this uncontrollable comfort and pleasure for pornography, and keep it hidden from everyone in my path.  Dom dom dom dom, the time is ticking away for this to pass, as i invent a new song and story for this moment.  What Do YOU THInk??

[rogelio63]

It sounds very familiar to me.  I have had similar problems, no I've had the identical problems and gone to see a therapist about them (among my other issues ).  I think when I took pleasure in porn, deep down I wanted my wife to be like the women that I saw in the pictures/movies.  The women that acted like they were as voracious as the men.  I had anger when she didn't.  Then I'd feel guilt.  The several times I've gotten caught, she's felt betrayed and rightly so, then the anger is aimed at myself for being weak.  Unfortunately, as she is the closest person in my life, the anger at myself is taken by her as being towards her.  Big huge destructive cycle.  She's the one betrayed and I'm seemingly angry at her.
I was like the thief that wasn't sorry he stole but very sorry he got caught. And with us, there is the whole belief dynamic as well.  I knew I shouldn't be looking at the poison, that it was wrong but I did anyway to fulfill a need that I felt she wasn't fulfilling. She was, but I didn't see it that way.
The solution has been for me stopping the porn.  Did I stop cold turkey? Nope.  But there is a couple of strategies that I've tried and was amazed that they actually recognized them in " the Bipolar guide for dummies " (the yellow and black book).  Restricted access to internet by filter or accountability program.  internet in an open location.  and a helpful book called "Everyman's battle".  2 good programs for filtering are found at Safeeyes.com and covenanteyes.com.  I've found covenant eyes to be the most helpful.  It doesn't restrict your surfing,BUT it does send a report of every site you've visited to your wife or another accountability partner, someone you can talk to about the specific time you looked at the naked girl that popped up into the totally innocent search for pictures of Lake Powell and you had to click on it.  That was my last relapse.
Pleasure from porn is or can be an addiction just like any of the rest.  You wouldn't try to kick alcoholism or coke on your own.  You need help with this one. I did.  And as a bonus, the anger went away.
Rodger

[lindahand]

I think that hiring a psychologist to help you wade through all this would be really helpful. It sounds like you have some ideas of what it may be and need to talk it out. They ask the right questions to get to the bottom of the issue. Porn is a pleasure/reward so it can be addictive. If you are addicted you will have to take certain steps like those found in AA and talking to a psychologist with some addiction training wouldn't hurt.