Aa
10years old sleeps with us
OK SO THIS is a little complicated. my boyfriend n i have been together a for about two years. his mother her grandmother has 50% custody of her. he has 25% n baby mama has 25% baby mama says shell come get her n never does for the past 3 months we have had her over every weekend. he was never really a part of her life due to other thinga going on but now he wants to be a dad and trys so hard. he doesnt like arguig with her or yelling at her but he does at times. i lay gown no sugar aftee this hour, i get up early morning on the weekends for work as he usually has off. when he does work he brigs her with. now the problem im having is...
At nannys house she has her own room and their are rules she must follow thru out the week. now when she comes her she feels she can do as she pleases she gives us a hard time about takin a shower. going to bed she orders him when she wants to lay in bed.
I kno she was molested by baby mamas now husband then boyfriend. and she used to tell her dad she wantes to marry her dad im not sure if this is appropriate behavior. She has not said such things since i have been in his life but the sleeping conditions concern me.
when she sleeps she sleeps in the middle but pushes me to one side i have my own blankets. and he and her share one. she sleeps with him in her arms she sleeps with her face in his. she cuddles him which i feel normal. but if i show him any kind of attention even when were not in bed shes all kinds of nutty throws her ipad in his face look at this. come do this watch this og u shpuld do this. kind of thing. He and i cannot have any kind of conversation when she is over. is all she wants todo is listen to rap music turned up really loud when he and i try to talk and when we twll her shut it off its like she ignores us. ive tries talkin to nanny about it but she claims its in my mind. iv spoke to my mother about it and she trys to help but i have gottwn no where. when she orders him to come to bed and he is working whixh he works from home part time he tells her to jus go tobed shell crawl in our bed for 2minutes and come out and nag every two minutes are u ready yet when are u comig to bed common it is time for bed come to hed now. im like excuse me who are the adults her? i have said something to him but im almost positive he really doesnt kno how to be a father. other wise i think he would make her go to bed. we have tried to get her todo thigs on her own but she refuses i jus dont understand y at nannys house she is.content with doin things alone but when she is here she is a different outof control child. i would like some suggestiozns and some answers if someone could give them. thank you
At nannys house she has her own room and their are rules she must follow thru out the week. now when she comes her she feels she can do as she pleases she gives us a hard time about takin a shower. going to bed she orders him when she wants to lay in bed.
I kno she was molested by baby mamas now husband then boyfriend. and she used to tell her dad she wantes to marry her dad im not sure if this is appropriate behavior. She has not said such things since i have been in his life but the sleeping conditions concern me.
when she sleeps she sleeps in the middle but pushes me to one side i have my own blankets. and he and her share one. she sleeps with him in her arms she sleeps with her face in his. she cuddles him which i feel normal. but if i show him any kind of attention even when were not in bed shes all kinds of nutty throws her ipad in his face look at this. come do this watch this og u shpuld do this. kind of thing. He and i cannot have any kind of conversation when she is over. is all she wants todo is listen to rap music turned up really loud when he and i try to talk and when we twll her shut it off its like she ignores us. ive tries talkin to nanny about it but she claims its in my mind. iv spoke to my mother about it and she trys to help but i have gottwn no where. when she orders him to come to bed and he is working whixh he works from home part time he tells her to jus go tobed shell crawl in our bed for 2minutes and come out and nag every two minutes are u ready yet when are u comig to bed common it is time for bed come to hed now. im like excuse me who are the adults her? i have said something to him but im almost positive he really doesnt kno how to be a father. other wise i think he would make her go to bed. we have tried to get her todo thigs on her own but she refuses i jus dont understand y at nannys house she is.content with doin things alone but when she is here she is a different outof control child. i would like some suggestiozns and some answers if someone could give them. thank you
Thank u very much for the feedback. i would like to see her go to theripy but if shes anythig like her father she.wont talk to a therapist. when he was young he would jus.play games and not talk. and she is very very shy any ways. in school she bottles up her energy and stays quiet but outside of school totally different. I honestly woupd like her im therepy( iv had the same past with a baby sitter tho; then raped as a teen) went to therepy and it really really did help.
She and i go out together but she would really enjpy herself more if her father came with us. i do like ur feedback about going out more as a family. They both are very shy and he has anxiety. we take the city bus to go places sometimes we call nanny. and with nanny she is very comfortable with nanny and pappy u can see. she spent 10 years of her life with them so totally understandable. but nanny wants my boyfriend to start being a better father (which btw, they are pretty close her n her get along very well; he used to have no say what goes.on wit his daughter and no that hes around he really does have say)
another thing i we have been experiencing is she wants us to always go to the store so we.can buy her lagsna. she will not always eat what we make. last weekend we had subs, i made one big one he n i had jalapeno cheese she had provalone we all had turkey he had some kind of pickle plamento on his side and we all had tomatoes and he n i had let and i think we all put mayo on... now the only thig she ate was the tomatoes. i told my boyfriend im not going out at 830 to go get her no lasangea. he said if she dont eat then she dont eat. the following morning which btw her and i went to the store to get lettuce and tomatoes n while we were there we.got a whole bunch of snacks for her to snack on she picked them! but the followig morning i was at work till about 2 and she didnt eat nothing. which my boyfriend thought she.was starving cuz she ate somethig she.doesnt usually eat we had spicy weiners in bbq sauce wit jalapenos she hates spicy things. but he said she ate them. when we go to the store we get things we kno shell eat or we get her to pick thigs out but she.still doesnt eat unless we eat with her. so i guess is good but if shes hungry i want her to eat.
She and i go out together but she would really enjpy herself more if her father came with us. i do like ur feedback about going out more as a family. They both are very shy and he has anxiety. we take the city bus to go places sometimes we call nanny. and with nanny she is very comfortable with nanny and pappy u can see. she spent 10 years of her life with them so totally understandable. but nanny wants my boyfriend to start being a better father (which btw, they are pretty close her n her get along very well; he used to have no say what goes.on wit his daughter and no that hes around he really does have say)
another thing i we have been experiencing is she wants us to always go to the store so we.can buy her lagsna. she will not always eat what we make. last weekend we had subs, i made one big one he n i had jalapeno cheese she had provalone we all had turkey he had some kind of pickle plamento on his side and we all had tomatoes and he n i had let and i think we all put mayo on... now the only thig she ate was the tomatoes. i told my boyfriend im not going out at 830 to go get her no lasangea. he said if she dont eat then she dont eat. the following morning which btw her and i went to the store to get lettuce and tomatoes n while we were there we.got a whole bunch of snacks for her to snack on she picked them! but the followig morning i was at work till about 2 and she didnt eat nothing. which my boyfriend thought she.was starving cuz she ate somethig she.doesnt usually eat we had spicy weiners in bbq sauce wit jalapenos she hates spicy things. but he said she ate them. when we go to the store we get things we kno shell eat or we get her to pick thigs out but she.still doesnt eat unless we eat with her. so i guess is good but if shes hungry i want her to eat.
Hi there and welcome. Sounds like a complicated situation and I must say so very sad. I really feel for this young girl. She's had a dad that 'was doing other things' so not really in her life and is now trying to be an authoritative figure all of a sudden, a mom who allowed someone in her life to sexually assault her child and now doesn't come around anymore, and what sounds to be a good amount of instability in her home life in her early years. That really is hard on a kid!
I would talk to her grandma as she is the main caregiver. Hopefully your boyfriend has a good relationship with her. I would try to have her see a counselor. being molested makes her an at risk kid who may need emotional support. I think it sounds to be the situation. I would try to be really extra patient with her because she IS so very young and HAS been through a lot.
Your boyfriend needs to remain calm with her (the yelling isn't good for anyone and is an ineffective parenting style) and set LOVING boundaries. He can actually reward her. If she is wanting him to cuddle or something before bed (my boys age 8 and 10 still want me to do a big good night thing with them complete with hugs and kisses and special time together) and he is working---- he could say "okay. Give me 10 minutes to finish this and then I'll be in." And then he gets in there in 10 minutes and gives her the love. I'd also suggest leaving the house more for outings which will help in the long run. Perhaps good behavior could earn outings (movies, lunch, playing tennis, etc.) that are her choice?? I have done that with my kids--- the get stars on a chart when they do the right thing and then after so many, they get an activity for the family of their choice (from choices I provide). Perhaps talking to her grandmother will help with a carry over of the boundaries she has there.
But the thing is, she may just be ticked off at her two bio parents that come and go in her life. her grandma is her stability, proven over time that she will be there for her. She may act out until she trusts that her dad 'won't get busy with other things' again. And honestly, that is normal, natural and to be expected.
I think some therapy would really help her and possibly some family therapy down the road with her and her father. good luck
I would talk to her grandma as she is the main caregiver. Hopefully your boyfriend has a good relationship with her. I would try to have her see a counselor. being molested makes her an at risk kid who may need emotional support. I think it sounds to be the situation. I would try to be really extra patient with her because she IS so very young and HAS been through a lot.
Your boyfriend needs to remain calm with her (the yelling isn't good for anyone and is an ineffective parenting style) and set LOVING boundaries. He can actually reward her. If she is wanting him to cuddle or something before bed (my boys age 8 and 10 still want me to do a big good night thing with them complete with hugs and kisses and special time together) and he is working---- he could say "okay. Give me 10 minutes to finish this and then I'll be in." And then he gets in there in 10 minutes and gives her the love. I'd also suggest leaving the house more for outings which will help in the long run. Perhaps good behavior could earn outings (movies, lunch, playing tennis, etc.) that are her choice?? I have done that with my kids--- the get stars on a chart when they do the right thing and then after so many, they get an activity for the family of their choice (from choices I provide). Perhaps talking to her grandmother will help with a carry over of the boundaries she has there.
But the thing is, she may just be ticked off at her two bio parents that come and go in her life. her grandma is her stability, proven over time that she will be there for her. She may act out until she trusts that her dad 'won't get busy with other things' again. And honestly, that is normal, natural and to be expected.
I think some therapy would really help her and possibly some family therapy down the road with her and her father. good luck
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