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9 year old girl with questionable social skills
My step-daughter, Becky, is 9 and only talks about boy (friends) she has at school. She has a self-proclaimed "best-girlfriend" but when we try to set up times for them to interact outside of school, the other girl's parents seem to blow-us off and even commented (in a round about way) that her daughter is of a higher maturity level. Now normally I would have taken great defense to that comment, but I have doubts myself. Becky is constantly in people's faces. Not just with friendly salutations but literally IN THEIR FACES. She gets to the point of sheer annoyance and makes people not want to be around her. We obviously try and discourage this behavior at every opportunity, but it only seems to be getting worse. Her mother thinks she is just outgoing, but when a 9 year old girl walks up to a group of 40 year old men she's never met and starts a conversation and hanging on them, that is NOT JUST outgoing - it can be downright scarey sometimes! She is always hanging on anyone in her general vicinity and sometimes she gets a little too friendly in areas she shouldn't. (She has touched my chest on several occasions and acts like it's an accident each and every time). I could go on and on, but I think you get my point. I am sincerely concerned about Becky, especially since Becky's father tried talking with Becky's mother about it and got nothing but denial and basic refusal to check into the matter further. Any guidance would be greatly appreciated as we are at a total loss.
Wow, those are all really great ideas specialmom! Thank you so, so much for the advice! I am going to go home TODAY and try some of those "personal space games" with her. Those sound like they may really help. Again, thank you for the tips - very much appreciated!
Hi there. For some reason, social skills don't come naturally to all kids. They sure didn't to my son and we had to work on them. Perhaps there is an emotional component to what you are seeing but I'm going to just discuss some direct things you can do to help her out socially.
First, I'd play some personal space games. She really may not know intuitively what personal space is. So illustrate it. You can get a round pool float (looks like a doughnut) or a smaller hula hoop and have her put it around her. Then try to get in with her! She'll laugh and pull back because you obviously don't fit in there together. This is a visual for her as to what is TOO CLOSE. She needs to stay that distance from her friends and others. You can walk like a robot and have her do it---------- with arms out front stiffly. Then try to walk toward her. You can't get too close because your arms are out. So, again----------- a visual for how far apart you should stand from another person. I would use the simple phrase to my son "robot arms" so that he would back up out of people's faces. Another common way to refer to personal space is that everyone has their own "bubble" and you can't get in someone's bubble. You can put your bubble beside them but you can't get IN theirs!
I'm guessing that she has trouble with body language and facial expression. I'd tell her that there are really TWO languages. The one we speak and the one our body and face speaks. She needs to learn the body/face language and you are going to help her. Then you act things out. Use your face and show different emotions. Have her guess which one. Then she can take a turn. Make sure you put in there boredom or annoyance so she can pick up on that with her peers. Then do the same with the body. Turning away when she talks, etc. Then you help her with how to alter herself to match their body language. For example, my son can go on and on . . . and sometimes a peer will want to 'escape'. How can my son handle that without getting his feelings hurt? I work on him understanding the flow of conversation (you talk, they listen, don't talk too long, then they talk and you listen, etc.)--------- and explain when they turn away that they might have something else to do or he is maybe going on too long and to wrap it up. What he shouldn't do, chase after them and keep going. He should read the body language and respond to it.
Does she have an issue with voice volume as kids with social skills often do. You give the voice volume a scale. 1= silence 2= whispering 3= normal talking voice 4= playground voice and 5= emergency (shouting). This really helped my son figure out where he should be. He honestly doesn't hear his the volume of his own voice so making him aware of the level appropriate for a given situation helps him monitor himself better. And kids get annoyed with the 'too loud' kid.
I would get her involved in some activities. Figure out what she may like and sign her up for a class or a league. Maybe she is into gymnastics or tumbling, maybe playing an instrument, maybe soccer, etc. But taking a class of some sort puts her into social situations to interact but in a way that isn't intense. She can practice her skills this way under no pressure.
Next year at school, I'd check with the guidance counselor to see if they have a 'friend's group' at school. Most have something like this. At our school, the counselor puts small groups of kids she think will match together and they eat and work on projects together under her supervision. I think this would be great for her.
good luck
First, I'd play some personal space games. She really may not know intuitively what personal space is. So illustrate it. You can get a round pool float (looks like a doughnut) or a smaller hula hoop and have her put it around her. Then try to get in with her! She'll laugh and pull back because you obviously don't fit in there together. This is a visual for her as to what is TOO CLOSE. She needs to stay that distance from her friends and others. You can walk like a robot and have her do it---------- with arms out front stiffly. Then try to walk toward her. You can't get too close because your arms are out. So, again----------- a visual for how far apart you should stand from another person. I would use the simple phrase to my son "robot arms" so that he would back up out of people's faces. Another common way to refer to personal space is that everyone has their own "bubble" and you can't get in someone's bubble. You can put your bubble beside them but you can't get IN theirs!
I'm guessing that she has trouble with body language and facial expression. I'd tell her that there are really TWO languages. The one we speak and the one our body and face speaks. She needs to learn the body/face language and you are going to help her. Then you act things out. Use your face and show different emotions. Have her guess which one. Then she can take a turn. Make sure you put in there boredom or annoyance so she can pick up on that with her peers. Then do the same with the body. Turning away when she talks, etc. Then you help her with how to alter herself to match their body language. For example, my son can go on and on . . . and sometimes a peer will want to 'escape'. How can my son handle that without getting his feelings hurt? I work on him understanding the flow of conversation (you talk, they listen, don't talk too long, then they talk and you listen, etc.)--------- and explain when they turn away that they might have something else to do or he is maybe going on too long and to wrap it up. What he shouldn't do, chase after them and keep going. He should read the body language and respond to it.
Does she have an issue with voice volume as kids with social skills often do. You give the voice volume a scale. 1= silence 2= whispering 3= normal talking voice 4= playground voice and 5= emergency (shouting). This really helped my son figure out where he should be. He honestly doesn't hear his the volume of his own voice so making him aware of the level appropriate for a given situation helps him monitor himself better. And kids get annoyed with the 'too loud' kid.
I would get her involved in some activities. Figure out what she may like and sign her up for a class or a league. Maybe she is into gymnastics or tumbling, maybe playing an instrument, maybe soccer, etc. But taking a class of some sort puts her into social situations to interact but in a way that isn't intense. She can practice her skills this way under no pressure.
Next year at school, I'd check with the guidance counselor to see if they have a 'friend's group' at school. Most have something like this. At our school, the counselor puts small groups of kids she think will match together and they eat and work on projects together under her supervision. I think this would be great for her.
good luck
I appreciate the feedback and do not mean to be defensive - I just feel that (as a mother myself) if these issues were raised regarding MY daughter, I would step up and try to get to the bottom instead of ignoring the situation and pretending it doesn't exist. I feel like my husband gives her plenty of attention, but I will talk with him about maybe showing more. He does alot of things with her one-on-one because she is so needy of his attention - and when she "wiggles" in between us I back off. I definitely don't want her to feel as if there is a competition between us as the relationship between her father and I is completely different than theirs. We are having her evaluated next week, thanks you so much again for your comments!
Her father having issues with his ex wife and wanting her to "see" this or "stop coddling" that, especially when she might need a medical evaluation, is really leaving the child to hang in the wind while he has a power struggle with his ex. If the child needs to be evaluated, he should get her evaluated, and have the fight with his ex separately.
Greenie, I don't think there's any real reason to be defensive.
I'm sure everyone sees this behavior, in addition to the mother of the "best girlfriend".
I know a girl who sounds exactly like Becky, but she came out of a Russian orphanage and got no attention at all until she was just over 2. She grabs on to both women AND men, although her behavior around men was more a fear because although no one could stand to be around her, a man could probably stand to be around her long enough to have sex with her as she got older.
I don't know all the history behind Becky, but she sounds like she has that desperation for attention - including adult male attention - that the girl I know has.
And that's your husband's job, not the girl's mother's job. Becky's mother can't fill that role - only your husband can. And he needs to do it before some other guy does.
In broken families it's a little harder for the kids to get what they need, and so the parents need to step up. Your husband needs to step up. And not with discipline and punitive reaction, but with love and adoration and attention. Girls who get that from their daddies don't go looking elsewhere.
I'm sure everyone sees this behavior, in addition to the mother of the "best girlfriend".
I know a girl who sounds exactly like Becky, but she came out of a Russian orphanage and got no attention at all until she was just over 2. She grabs on to both women AND men, although her behavior around men was more a fear because although no one could stand to be around her, a man could probably stand to be around her long enough to have sex with her as she got older.
I don't know all the history behind Becky, but she sounds like she has that desperation for attention - including adult male attention - that the girl I know has.
And that's your husband's job, not the girl's mother's job. Becky's mother can't fill that role - only your husband can. And he needs to do it before some other guy does.
In broken families it's a little harder for the kids to get what they need, and so the parents need to step up. Your husband needs to step up. And not with discipline and punitive reaction, but with love and adoration and attention. Girls who get that from their daddies don't go looking elsewhere.
I find its good to ask some questions to get a bigger picture of the dynamics ...good luck
She is with us 40% of the time and yes, her father is as much if not more concerned. I'm sorry, but I thought this was an advice forum, what difference does it make if she stays with us all or some of the time? I am looking for some kind of direction/advise, not questions about my motives. I love her and want the best thing for HER. The fact of the matter is, it is not JUST us who sees this behavior.
Does the child stay with you, I am wondering how her behavior affects you so much if she is not living with you, you say her Dad is as concerned as you are about the childs forwardness ?.
Yes he can, but he would like the support of her mother. Instead of constant denial and argumentative behavior. He is planning on doing something on his own, he would just like her mother to "see" what is going on instead of coddling Becky and pretending there isn't a problem.
I'd take it seriously, she could be a little behind -- I have a cousin who has no boundaries and does not stop talking or pick up social cues, and he was evaluated and is considered mildly autistic, or something like that. Can't her father have her evaluated? Why does he need to rely on his ex-wife to do this?
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