My three year old son has lost his bio dad and the one he called daddy

[hport]

I was in an abusive relationship when I found out I was pregnant and he threatened to kill me and the baby if I didnt have an abortion.  I quickly got out of that relationship and never told him when the baby was born or anything about him.  I did choose to get child support since I was a single mother.  I met a man when my son was 3 weeks old that fell in love with my son and he wanted to adopt after a short time together.  I put the adoption off for a long time until we figured things out. I had to do a DNA test for the child support and that was the only time his bio dad ever laid eyes on him.  The man i was with and i got married when my son was a year old and he called him daddy as soon as he could talk.  the bio dad decided to terminate rights and i agreed because he threatened he would take off with him and i would never see him again.  for 3 years my son called my husband daddy and they were perfect together. then things got bad after an illness my husband had and he left us completely with a phone call saying he didnt want to be a daddy anymore.  the adoption was never started. its been almost a year now and my son will be 4 soon and he is constantly asking where his daddy is. i just tell him that his daddy is gone now and its just me and him (kiddo) and i will love him forever and will always be here for him.  does anyone have any advice of anything else i should or could say or do??? i know he is still to young to explain anything major but one day should i tell him of his bio dad and the man he called daddy??? any input is greatly appreciated.  thank you all!!!

[skepticalpeach]

I agree with AnnieBrooke, you should definitely seek counsel from a child therapist. This isn't something that you should have to deal with on your own. That's a lot of responsibility for one person. It's unfortunate this man decided to take on the role of dad and then bailed. Someday you two will learn how to trust again, but take it slow. Are there any Grandparents that can come support you two? Even though children love and need their parents, I think it helps them a lot to know that other people love and care for them. Have you ever heard the phrase "it takes a village to raise a child?"
You shouldn't have to raise a child by yourself. I'm not saying you need a husband or boyfriend, but you need support. Good luck!

[margypops]

It will get better as times goes on the asking will become less, its sad isnt it for children ,perhaps once you have a new relationship he will feel happier , have you any male relatives or friends could play ball games and mentor him ?

[AnnieBrooke]

Usually I think some transparency is important because other people will tell him things and it would be better coming from you.  The sperm donor is easier to explain than the take-a-powder 'daddy' who the child might actually remember later.  With the sperm donor, much later than now, you could tell the child that you made a bad relationship mistake and it ended about as soon as it began, but one super-great thing came from it, and that was him.  As for the daddy-ran-off, I think for the sake of your son I would try to get back with him if he's around, if only so your son could see him, but if he won't do it he won't do it.  All you can say to your son is that he is gone, and that it makes you very sad but that some things don't work the way we want them to in life.

You might also talk to a children's therapist for help with the kind of language to use.