2 year old tantrums

[adgal]

Completely normal behavior I know.  However, as he has gotten a bit older, they have changed a bit.  When he doesn't get something he wants the tantrum lasts much longer then it used to, and I am finding it more challenging to calm him down.  I used to just calmly say something to the effect of "I'm sorry, I know it's hard to understand we can't always get what we want", offer a hug instead and then sort of ignore it until he calmed down.  This approach really doesn't work any more.  Ideas for me?  Is it best to just completely ignore, or do you find empathizing works better for you?  Just to give you an example...he wanted to go outside to play.  I told him he jsut had to wait 5 minutes as I needed to finish what I was doing first.  The screaming began with him screeching "outside outside" and smashing on the back door.  I told him 2 or 3 times that now we couldn't go outside to play until he calmed down.  He was really really angry.  It went on for a good 20 minutes or so, and ended with him sort of collapsing against the door, probably from exhaustion.I did stand my ground and wait until he calmed down before we went out as I do try to use natural consequences, but am wondering if there was a better way to handle it? Thanks so much!!

[adgal]

THanks!  I'm going to do that.  That's a good idea, plus he does love finger painting..lol.  We will do it today.

[specialmom]

Helping hands are something that you can give children as an alternative way to take out stress.  You get some finger paint and a big sheet of paper----  Ryder gets the paint on his hands and makes clear hand prints on the paper.  Paint his name on the paper too.  Let it dry and then hang it on the wall so that if he put his hands out in front of him, he'd line up with the painting.  Then when he is upset, these are his 'helping hands",  He goes to the hand prints and presses against them as hard as he would like to.  This is actually a release to the nervous system and slows it/calms it.  (we also play a game we call "push over" in which the boys stand at a wall and try to 'push it over'-----  it is like a wall push up and again, a nervous system calming activity).  So, when he is upset, you can say "ryder, you look like you could use your helping hands" and he runs over and pushes.  It's an alternative way for little ones to do something physical to self calm.  

I'll keep thinking!

[adgal]

Oh, and no, not sure about helping hands?  I know gentle hands and have had huge success with that, but don't know helping hands...any info appreciated.  

[adgal]

So much of what you say applies to what we are seeing right now.  And it is true that the majority of time when this happens, he is starting towards either a nap or bedtime.  I think a big part of the problem is his absolute refusal to sleep.  He fights it like nothing I ever imagined. Just the mention of bedtime or naptime is enough to trigger this....even when I can see he is so tired he can barely keep his eyes open.  The other challenge is his incredible single mindedness.  When he wants something, he wants it, and he just doesn't forget.  He screamed for pudding tonight for an hour!  Now, I don't make him eat dinner, but he only took a bite, so he is not getting pudding as an alternative.   And you are right, at this point reasoning goes right out the window.

I tried something new today.  I asked him if he would rather calm down, or go to time out.  Now, we don't use time out all that often - I save it for major offenses and fortunately they are few and far between - so when I said that, it did get his attention.  I told him he had to the count of three and started to count.  It actually worked...the first time. The second time it didn't, so I put him in time out.  After about a minute he was holding arms out for a hug.  I picked him up, he snuggled into my shoulder and instantly calmed down.  Thing is, I am not all that comfortable with punishing for a tantrum - I know it is his only way of expressing emotion right now.  So I get a bit lost in that I guess - when do I reprimand and when do I try to support.  When do I punish vs. try to empathize with him.  I gotta tell you, this has been hard.  I do manage to stay calm, but have literally been chewing on my tongue on more then one occasion.  

I will go check out some of those books. I have been doing some of that - asking him if he feels sad, or mad - but I guess I haven't given him anything to relate to that way.  Great tip!

Thanks so much!  I do try to practice natural consequences (learned from you as well) and they do work.  And I do not give in ever to a tantrum.  I just want to make sure he knows that mommy does understand and loves him, but wants to help him find an alternative way to deal with his frustration or anger.  Who knew parenting would be this difficult!!!!  

Thanks again my friend, I appreciate you a great deal.

[specialmom]

Hi there.  Ah, you bring back memories . . .  some that I wish I could block out.  LOL.  In all seriousness, this phase passes and you will be on to other things to 'fix'.

So, I first want to say that I've never spanked my kids nor have I had to.  I just couldn't get past the idea of the mixed message "don't hit, I'm going to hit you to show you that I mean it!"  To each their own on that but it has never been a necessary part of our discipline.  I did (and still do) much better with a few other things.

First, the thing to know about a two year old temper tantrum is not so much that the are misbehaving but that they are reacting.  They could be tired, hungry, teething, growing . . .  any number of things that makes them less able to cope with a flood of temper, frustration, etc.  This always helped me not get mad.  I know you already do this, but the more calm you are, the better.  It sends a clear message that mommy isn't playing, mommy isn't going to get upset, your tantrum is not going to work to change the situation.  Ya know, I never tried to hold my kids down or stop them if they got to full meltdown point.  If they are on the floor thrashing about out of control, of course, they are going to swat at you or anything else as you come near.  Let them be for a minute.  If you think they are going to get hurt----  well, they may.  But usually don't.  Once, my son did hurt himself.  Then he popped up and ran to me for comfort.  

I repeated a mantra . .. "no fits".  It never changed and I said it during every fit.  We say "you get what you get and you don't throw a fit".  And I started saying it when my kids were tiny!  At two, Ryder really can only take in so much of that meaning . . .  but if I was firm that fits are not allowed and they do not result in what a child wants, then the idea that we do them to get what we want is less so.  Then you just are dealing with immature ways of expressing onself.  

It is hard at two to do a heck of a lot about that but each day, he is one day older and WILL get it.  

One thing that is important to remember about kids is that teaching moments are not when they are on level 10 of the meltdown.  Too late.  Save the lesson for another time (after when calm is good or another time all together)---  and go into simple command mode.  "no hitting".  "careful", "no fits".  Much more dialogue than that is just not going to work----  they aren't listening.  
Ryder is smart!  So, you'll have luck with this---  I know it.  Go to the library and get books on emotions.  Simple little kids books.  Read them to him.  Then play a game "what is mommy?"  Make a sad face, or a mad face, a surprised face, a sleepy face, a happy face, etc.  He puts a word to each face you make.  then if he can, he could make faces for you to guess.  Look through magazines and guess how someone in a picture is feeling.  I did this with My older son and when he was less than two, I walked into a room and he was crying.  He happen to have books in his bed and one was a book with little trains in it.  In one picture a train was crying.  He turned to that picture, and pointed to it and said 'sad'.  I said "are you sad?"  he shook his head yes.  He wanted to communicate with me but didn't yet have the language.  He couldn't say, "you didn't come right away and I'm alone in here and that makes me sad"

His having the words to use for how he is feeling is really going to help him express himself better---  and as he gets a bit older, you can go through modeling of things he can do if he is upset that is appropriate.  

So, when he is getting upset----  it may seem like it is out of nowhere.  when that happens, they are just being unreasonable and you manage through the situation.  However, try head it off at the pass.  One thing that our OT told us to do when our son was switching into a meltdown mood was to say "oh, you look like you are mad.  What can you do about that?"  Now Ryder isn't quite old enough for that but my son at 3 was being coached on this.  It says that it is okay to be mad but you have to handle it well.  

The other thing that is really helpful is choices.  Lots of choices.

I'll think more about this amanda----  my brain is a little fried.  

but I know it was around that age that I started withholding special items.  My son always had a blankie and a teddie.  "oh no.  I have to take blankie if you throw a fit."  Yep, I went there.  I knew what could make my son faulter.  Does Ryder have anything special.  My younger boy never had a special teddy or blankie ---- so I would say, "oh, I'll have to take your pillow."  I followed through and it only takes following through a couple of times for them to get that you mean business.  

Okay, I'll get back to you with more in a bit.  You're a great mon dear and I know Ryder is a sweet boy.  You just guide them through.

Oh, you know that my boy has sensory.  Part of sensory is difficulty with regulating mood and self soothing.  I was taught that when he had a fit of monumental proportions---  we had go to things.  A thick piece of bubble gum was on the list (very calming), a pillow to hit, etc.  and helping hands may be good for Ryder.  Do you know what those are??  

[adgal]

Audrey, you and I seem to go through all the stages together.  I guess it makes sense given our boys are what..a few weeks apart?  

You know I respect you a ton, but you are right, spanking isn't for me.  But it's so weird isn't it how they can be one way in one situation, and a completely different way at home.  In our case the daycare just does not have any of these issues with him at all.  But there are times at home when I have to wonder who the alien being is that has temporarily taken over my child's body..lol.  I figure the reason he hits out at me is just because I am the person who is with him the most, and therefor it is usually me saying no to something, or asking him to wait.  My husband is not very good at holding his ground and has a tendency to give in just to "avoid a scene" as he puts it.  We are working on that and my husband is starting to understand how confusing it must be for Ryder to have that inconisitancy.  It's not even like we say no to a lot of things, just the common sense things (no, you cannot eat jelly beans, pudding and bread for supper..lol).  

They sure can be a mystery.  I look at Greydon's pictures and he is such a little sweetheart...it's hard to imagine how they can change on a dime..but they sure can.

[AHP84]

Once again, we're in the same boat. ;-) My little guy has reached a stage of getting physical with his meltdowns, but to everyone and everything. He swats, he kicks, he thrashes, and his newest thing the last two weeks is spitting (the raspberry spits).
To get him under control, I either isolate him in time out or have to physically hold his hands or legs so he can't hit and kick until he's calmed down enough. I use very firm tones with him during this time. My approach is not to take the time to distract him from what he's doing when he's in the process of doing something that needs immediate stopping before he or someone else gets hurt.
I know you do not do spanking, and that is completely your choice. But I do know for our disciplinary measures, it works to stop the behavior if it gets that out of control. We hardly have to do it, so when it's done, his reaction to it is to stop the behavior that we want him to stop. It works for him and it works for us. Our method may not work or be agreeable with other parents, but I did want to tell you how we handle it for our situation.
Same for the spitting. I use the same technique with my 2 year old that I did to break the habit with my oldest--flick the tongue and lips as soon as the spitting starts.
The issue I'm having with my son right now actually isn't so much at home. At home, it's pretty much under control because he knows his boundaries and we are consistent. But at daycare, he's lashing out at the teachers in meltdowns every single day. He's hitting them, kicking and spitting at them, and getting sent home with a report.
Every. single. day.
All they do is time out with him because that's all they can do and he figured that out pretty quickly. To him, sitting in a chair and a little bit of isolation honestly does not bother him because he's introverted. So it's almost like a joke or a reward to him in a way, if that makes sense. We seem to have this issue of aggressiveness at daycare come up every couple of months. It's getting a bit irritating. Not exactly sure how to handle the problems he causes while he's in their care and he's not having the same problems at home because we discipline him differently and more effectively.
Kids can be a mystery sometimes, lol.

[adgal]

THanks for the info although I'm sorry you had to go through that.  I actually hadn't realized this could be that serious.  I had sort of chalked it up to sort of a normal stage.  I will bring this up with his Pediatrician.  

It's funny because he is normally a pretty good natured little boy. He is in daycare 3 days a week and I have had no complaints from them at all.  He doesn't actually ever hit anyone but me, and only during one of these tantrums.  However, I don't want to ignore a possible issue, so will discuss it with her for sure.  I appreciate the info.

[tab136]

I had a daughter that started to do that at the same age and it got to the point I would have to hold her down from hitting me.  I also talked to doctors and they gave me the book called the explosive child.  It was my daughter from top to bottom.  They told me that the older she got that her controled part of the brain was not developed fast enought.  She got to the point I would strap her in her highchair so she couldn't hurt me or herself.  She did behavior thearpy for a long time and fiinally at 8 years of age she started to learn how to control it.  But it took along time.  We tried many things.  One thing that really helped was something we called hertime.  Each day we would give her 20 mins of time where she would be the boss of what we played and as long as it was in the rules and able to do so she would tell us what to do and how to play it.  It gave her some control over a fun situation and it did help with her meltdowns.  She said it made her fell happier.  I don't know if this will help or he will understand it at this age.  but I hope for yoursake you figure it out before it gets as bad as my daughter.

[adgal]

I should add...we have one of these huge meltdowns almost daily now.  The tantrum itself doesn't concern me except for one part of it. When I try to approach him to pick him up or hug him, he will hit at me.  I've been repeating to him hitting isn't nice.  I say "mommy doesn't hit you, so you don't hit me" but he still sort of smacks at me.  We work pretty hard on gentle hands here, but during this time he forgets...he just gets so angry.  I'd love some tips on helping him learn to deal with his emotions.  He is 27 months.