my 4 year old son hits me

[mom21son]

Hi,
My husband has been diagnosed bi-polar and is inconsitant with his parenting.  He is overly affectionate and buys toys for my son and then he also can be very stirn with him.  He doesn't back me up on setting boundaries with my son and is disrespectful of me in front of our son.  He won't go on any meds and I'm at the end of my rope.  My son has recently started hitting my in response to my setting boundaries.  When I am at work my husband has my son and then on the days that my husband works i have our son.  after our son has spent a few days with his dad he doesn't have impulse control and whines a lot and basically tries to assert control over all of our activities.  It is so discouraging and unpleasant that our days together are aweful until i have spent considerable time re-training him to live within his boundaries.  He doesn't do this behavior at pre-school and the teachers tell me what a bright and sweet child he is.  We do activities together like color, work on writing alphabet, read books, imaginative play, plant flowers, cook things, go to the park, ect..but he is constantly challenging me and when i tell him no he yells at me and hits me.  Then i tell him,"if you hit you sit."  So we go try time-out in his room.  Then he goes into a huge fit yelling at me hitting me.  I pick him up and put him on the green lazy boy chair and say,"you have time out because you hit me."  but it just escalates.  I have tried things like a magnet board at home.  When he does something like brush teeth, comb hair, help pick up toys, make bed...ect. he puts a magnet on the board that says,"great job".  then at the end of the day we put a quarter in his piggy bank and i always give praise when he is in this mode.  Now he doesn't even want to participate in the magnet board.  It's like he's figured out the magnet board is something that requires him to listen to me and participate in demonstrating his ability to co-operate and he doesnt' want to do it.  I am a posative loving mom but feel like i am dealing with a dad who is wrecking all the hard work of me establishing praise and boundaries.  I don't know what to do.  my son's temperment is like mine, he has a long attention span and is not hyperactive like his father was as a child.  but when my husband spends time with him while i'm at work, our son is learning these behaviors from dad.  they have so much fun together but there is no balance of boundaries and then i look like the mean mom when i ask our son to do the smallest thing like get dressed himself.  I not only feel like a single mom, but i feel like it's often 2 against 1.  How can i get my son to stop hitting me and going into reactionary anger.  It's so unreasonable.  We will be coloring and when i try to praise him for a nice drawing he refuses my praise and says,"No!"  and then throws his crayon.  This is not always the case but it is happening more and more since he is getting older.  Please some helpful advice?  I'm at the end of my rope and think I should seperate from his dad.  

[grub132]

Is your husband on medication??? If not perhaps he needs to be, if so a review might be needed as it may not be theraputic. I feel for your situation it must be tiring. Yes I agree there needs to be consistancy children respond well to this. Leaving him is a decision only you can make, I have no judgement on this as it is not my place. It must be reassuring to see that your son has attained more of your attributes however it pays to keep it in the back of your head that Bipolar can have a genetic link, just keep an eye on it. I am sure you know a fair bit about it as you live with the illness. He certailny sounds like he is learning behaviours and I agree that this will not change unless hubbie comes to the party. I am not sure how many times you have tried to talk with him but hubbie needs to know that yes he has an illness but he still has responsibilities. I really hope you can work it out. good luck.

[LRM1021]

Your son is reacting to you because your husband is not backing you up. Children will often misbehave for mom in ways that they don't for dad -- because men seem physically overpowering to them AND because women, unconsciously, give signals to the children that Dad is the boss.

Since you know your husband is not doing what you need him to do -- and you are not standing as a unified force-- this will NOT get better. The only way to have this get better is if you and your husband are willing to stand together, and all the communication that your son receives from both of you is clear in that regard. Then your son will slowly stop taking it out on you as he learns he can't, and he won't really feel the need to either because he will not feel so much tension between his parents-- which by the way is EXTREMELY ANXIETY provoking for children.

If you and your husband can't work this out,  I don't think anything else you do will work.