3.5 year old depression and/or behavioral issues

[mcfam]

Our 3.5 year old has been acting very different from his usual self lately. He was the only child for almost 2 years of his life where he was spoiled from all side of family. Now he is having the normal issues of sharing toys and sharing grandmas affection with his sister and that is something that he will have to learn to deal with. But lately he seems to be set off by the littlest things. For example, if he wants to water the lawn with the hose, if I have already started it he will throw a fit and is mad. Then he will start getting really upset over it ten I will send him to his room or time out for him talking back to us or trying to hit us. After his time out or quiet time (about 5 min) he will sit in his room or the toy room and  talk to himself and then start crying all over again or throwing toys. When I see this I try to go talk to him and comfort him in which he will tell me to "go away" or "I don't want to talk about it". The other day he told me that "I guess nobody loves me anymore". It breaks my heart to hear him say things like that. He also doesn't listen and we are working on that. What is the cause of this behavior. He has a great home life (both parents still married), gets to spend time with both sets of grandparents, plays with our friends children, has toys, movies and such. We read 2 to 3 books to him every night, involve him in our projects, we all have dinner as a family every night and so on. So he has a very structured and stable home life. Please help!!!!!

[treazzure007]

What I think many, many people don't understand is that children go through stages.  Really go through them and grow out of them.  The 3 year old stage is completely different from the 2 year old one Im sure anyone will agree.  Getting a grip on your child's behavior and at the same time continuing to pour in the love is the most important thing a parent needs to focus on the entire time you are raising them.  

This is the 3 year old stage.  Though I will tell you that he is acting out more so than my own son at that age, it's just really important to teach him that hitting and throwing tantrums are a no-no from this point on.  

We as parents must always continue to shower our kids with love, devotion, and affection while concentrating on eliminating all of the BIG no-nos as they go through ages and stages.

Trust me, you don't want him throwing tantrums and hitting at age 6, 16.....

Hope this helps

[mcfam]

Thank you for your input. We have been more firm with him over the last few days and he seems to be starting to realize that he is not in charge and has been quite better. We are going to implement a "good job" chart and talk w/ the grandparents because we are thinking that is where a lot of the problem lies. Thanks also for reference to Sandy McDaniel as I will look into her books and column for sure. I'm glad to know there are parents having the same issues!!!! Thanks again!!

[mom21son]

He is manipulating you.  Where does a 3.5 year old get the idea that "nobody loves me anymore"?  i think it can only be something he picked up someone else saying.  my son does the same thing.  if i start making his fruit smoothie in the morning without his "help" he throws a massive fit and won't even drink it.  He is discovering power and is testing his limits with you.  You can't let yourself be manipulated by his self pity.  If you want to raise a strong confident boy you have to detach your emotions a little from him when he is in this mode.  a 5 minute time out is a good thing to have for him.  You can't coddle him when he's recieving consequences for his choosing to have poor behavior.  You and your husband need to agree on some boundaries and stick together.  When he is in time out and starts manipulating you with emotions and you go in to "talk" to him, in essence you are giving him your power and showing him that if he acts emotional you will come to his rescue, only then for him to use his power by pushing you away.  it's manipulation.  it's very normal for his age.  now is the time to be firm with him and not let him push your boundaries by manipulating you with bad behavior.  if he doesn't listen he is showing you that you have lost his respect. if you find yourself having to repeat things over and over to him that is a good indicator that you have given him too much power in the house.  you are in charge and he is not.  i am dealing with the same problem with my 4 year old son, but his father doesn't back me up on discipline(time out).  in our house if you hit, you sit(time out).  maybe if you use a "good job" chart with stickers it will reinforce posative behavior..simple things like reward for brushing teeth, putting on clothes, making his bed, picking up toys, to help him feel a sense of accomplishment and power in a good way.  and when he throws fits have time out and if he doesn't sit quietly in time out then no tv time, take away a favorite toy until he can behave, no fun and no coddling. You and your husband must agree on verbage like "Oh bummer, Oh bummer (this will get his attention) It's too bad you are choosing to throw a fit now you will have consequences."  Make sure he knows that HE is choosing his fate and  make no room for self pity(i am being treated this way because it's unfair and nobody loves me). When you coddle him(ie honey why do you say that?  You know we love you. ect.)  as he is acting badly you reinforce his notion that he is being treated unfairly when you are simply giving him boundaries.  Sandy mcdaniel has some really good books for help with parenting.  she writes a column for the orange county register.  i have found it helpful and am starting to implement her techniques with my son.  also, talk to the grandparents.  if he spends time at their house alone and they give him everything he wants, this will not help you at your house.  you need a united front on the boundaries issue.  a child that is given what he wants all the time becomes rebellious to authority and won't listen.  hang in there.  he sounds like a perfectly normal 3.5 yr old to me!