I have a feeling my 15 year old daughter slips out of my hands

[NadinH]

i am really worried because I thought until now that I have a really good friendship with my teenage daughter but this turns right now rapidly. The worst moment was last night when the police stood in front of my door at 2 am in the morning to tell me that my daughter is in the emergency because of alcohol poisoning. I thought she slept over at her friends house which turned out to be not true. I tried now to make wise choices to not loose her and didn't ground her or make a big fuss out of it, I talked to her like always and told her I will always support her. My problem now is that I'm so scared that this could happen again and I'm questioning if I didn't really set borders with my approach. What should I do to support in a loving way and not push her away from me. Thank you so much for reading this.

[AnnieBrooke]

I might mention, losing her friendship is not losing her.  A lot of times kids prefer to have a parent than a friend, they are comforted by someone asserting calm authority where they are not themselves sure.  Your strength and certainty will be her security.

Also, I am sorry to have to mention this but I'm sure you have thought of it -- she is 15, female, and was drunk to the point of alcohol poisoning.  It's a pretty strong likelihood that someone either did or will take advantage of her sexually.  You may as well have her ob-gyn test her for STDs and for pregnancy.

Anyway, she is in an abyss, as 15-year-olds really should not be raising themselves and devising their own boundaries, (as is obvious now).  Don't leave her in this abyss.  She needs you to be a more authoritative parent because until she is an adult, she needs a strong backstop against the slings and arrows of life.  Stiffen your backbone, develop some rules and enforce them.  Talk to the counselor so you know you won't wiffle out, and then lay it all out to your daughter.  She has to earn her way back into your good graces, not walk all over you being afraid she will no longer be your friend.

[RockRose]

I agree with Annie,  it's not a great thing to have a really good "friendship" with a 15 year old daughter.  A great loving relationship is wonderful - but it's not a "friendship".  

It sounds like you're a single mom?  I ask that because I don't think dads would put up with this and be worried at this point about losing the friendship.

Your daughter is really,  REALLY on the wrong track.  If she were 18 and had alcohol poisoning at a party,  I wouldn't feel this strongly.  She's really quite young for this level of behavior.  

I completely disagree that you don't need to make a "big fuss of it" as you say.  I think you need to make a really really huge fuss.  Tell her this behavior causes you horrible fear for her future,  and you are embarrassed and hope to God no one else hears about this because it's embarrassing and unacceptable,  and terrifying,  and now you can't trust her.  Tell her that.  Tell her your stomach went to your throat and you have never felt anything as awful as knowing your daughter was drunk and in the hospital because she might have died.   Tell her that.  

I've been where you are,  and acting like it's no big deal and trying to shovel dirt over this and walk on as if nothing happened is a mistake.  Until you address this head on and tell her you won't accept this,  it will get worse.

And soon,  she'll have a driver's license so the stakes get WAY higher.

[AnnieBrooke]

I don't actually think parents are supposed to be friends with their kids, and in your shoes I would not fear that loss, since when she is older she will come around even if she finds you strict now and not a "friend."  I'd work out some consequences for her, not that she got alcohol poisoning but that she lied to you about where she was going to be, and those consequences would have to do with restricting her freedom, since she has shown she can't be trusted with the freedom you have given her.  If you have no idea how to do that, talk to a family counselor.  You could also try "How to Talk to Teenagers So They Will  Listen and Listen So They Will Talk" for advice on setting boundaries.  This is something she should have been in the habit of getting from you by now -- limits to her actions designed to keep her safe -- and if she hasn't, there is no time like the present to begin.