Is my daughter transgender?

[Alyssa_pryor]

My 13 year old daughter came to me saying that she was a boy and that she wanted to transition to being male. Her whole life she has been a huge tomboy but I never thought she really felt like a boy. She insisted to have all her hair cut off and when I said no she went out to the mall with her friends and came home with hair cut at the top of her ears! About a year ago she was extremely depressed and attempted suicide for reasons she never told. Now she's saying it was because she was being forced to be a girl and she hated it. I have no idea what to do. I'm thinking about taking her back to her therapist that she stopped seeing a few months ago but I don't think she specializes in this kinda stuff. Do I support her and let her be a boy or should I just ignore it till she grows out of it?

[Avilina]

Your daughter is most likely actually your son. I'd immediately accept my child as my son if they told me this because either they are trying this out to see if it feels right or they truly know that they are male. Either way it is best to acknowledge your child as being a he since this is a stage in their life where they are exploring who they are. If they can't explore their identity it may cause them to have behavioural problems and depression. Then I'd have my child go to a psychologist who specializes in transgender children so the child can discuss this process with someone who has more experience. Make certain your child knows that you'll always be there for them and that they can talk to you about anything.

[Kitterzy]

My son had his first shot of testosterone today after an almost 3 year journey to get to this place. He's 15-1/2 years old. The first thing to start with is a therapist that specializes in gender issues. That's important because not only can they help sort out these feelings, but will also further down the line need to write the legal letter stating they are prepared for transition and hormones. Without that letter that must be written in a specific way, so an endocrinologist can then legally prescribe hormones for transition.  That's just one step.

Secondly, it's not a phase.  I'm sure he's already done hours of Internet searches on the subject to help figure out his feelings before admitting them to you. Thirdly, it took a lot of bravery for him to go to you, and trust me, there are horror stories of parents' negative reactions to revealing these feelings.  My son's father felt it was a phase, but that further soured their relationship until this past year when he conceded it wasn't a phase. After all, what parent wants their child to have an uphill battle of acceptance, emotional struggle, depression, medical interventions, physical changes, and bullies, etc?

I would start with giving your future son a hug and tell him you will do anything to help sort out these feelings, and that you still love him and that any questions you ask are from a place of love and want to understand--not judge.  Take a deep breath. Your child will get through this and the crippling depression. I was able to get my son stable on meds until the big day: his first testosterone shot.  You will grieve a daughter, but that little girl will always be in him. Mine just turned 13 when he first told me--but I had my suspicions back in the 3rd grade. I always assumed "she" would be gay. I was thrown a curve ball, but not a totally unexpected one.  Love your child--no matter what. It will be okay.

[Kitterzy]

I meant to say without that letter an endocrinologist won't prescribe hormones or treat for any gender issues. Better to see a therapist to make sure you child isn't gender fluid (can feel feminine or masculine depending on that moment/day/week) or "agender" (neither sex specified--androgynous). Take it slow. Mine was gender fluid at age 12 and took a good 9 months to make sure he was truly transgender.

[InsaneRoman]

I agree with what the other commenter said. When we're pregnant we hope above all else, boy or girl, that our baby will be happy and healthy. That stays the same. You want your daughter to be happy and healthy, even if that means becoming your son. 13 is an age for fads, but there is also a lot more awareness for things like transgender and homosexuality nowadays. Perhaps people in the past didn't have a name for how they feel, and now they do. So yes, get your child therapy, not only to help them decide if this is how they truly feel and to help them transition if they still feel strongly about this, but also to help with the depression and suicidal thoughts, especially since there may be guilt that comes with telling you she wants to be your son instead. Please don't send your child to therapy to be told their feelings are wrong or to "convert" them, though it doesn't sound like you want to anyway lol Just continue to support your child. Tell her/him you're going to set them up with someone to talk to so you guys can make a game plan on where to go from here.

[specialmom]

Hi there.  Ah, that's hard.  I can understand a worry as a mom.  But our kids are who they are, we are all just who we are.  She may always believe she is a male and live a life as a male once she is fully capable.  I think personally, the most important thing is to make her feel OKAY with herself whether or not she chooses to be boy or girl.  That might be hard to do as a parent, but so essential for the psychological well being of your child.  If she sees a therapist, it should be for her to work through her emotions rather than to change her mind.  I wish you and your child the best.  !3 is such a vulnerable age---  make her feel loved no matter what.  good luck