dad has given up on his 10 yr old son

[tcall3]

My husband has had it with our 10 yr old son. My son can be very annoying at times, and my husband seems to get the most annoyed with the constant noise, and lack of respect he seems to have for his father. I don't have a problem with him, I know that boys can be annoying, when your a stay at home mom you just seem to let all the noise and craziness roll off your back. Our son gets very argumentative with his father, I think it's because his father also gets very argumentative with him as well. They are very alike, and I think that is why they have such a hard time getting along. It has reached a point where my husband has said he's done with trying to help him, and he basically says he's done with him completely. This is HEARTBREAKING to hear, we need help, but my husband is not willing to spend money on counseling to try to fix this problem, and that makes me wonder if this is even salvagable. We have two other children, a 11 yr old, and a 5 yr old, My husband has no issues with them, just with our 10 yr old. I am tired of trying to keep the peace between them, any suggestions or help would be GREATLY appriciated. thank you

[tcall3]

thanks, I'll check that out.

[Sandman2]

   Counseling will help.  but at least part of the problem is the arguing from both sides.  With clear, consistent standards there doesn't tend to be the arguing.  You might want to get the book,  "love and Logic" by Fay and Cline.  It will give you and your husband a system that will work.

[tcall3]

thanks, I thought so too. I think they fight so much bec they are both acting like 10 yr olds! I will give counseling a try, with or without dad.

[tcall3]

no, he's been doing great at school, all his teachers have said he a joy to have in class. never has had any problems socially, or academically. This problem seems to be only with my husband. I know he feels left out bec his dad would rather not deal with the hassle of taking him fishing or to practice ball etc and I'm sure that is having a very negative effect on him. I am considering a seperation if his dad isn't willing to give 100% to this problem.

[AnnieBrooke]

So your 10-year-old is good at hooking his daddy.  I really think counseling is the answer.  Tell your husband that either you will go to counseling with your son to talk about the relationship with his father, or you will go with him (your husband) to talk about how to avoid being hooked by the provoking things the boy says and does.  You might subtly mention to him that if you go with your son, he (your husband) will not be able to affect what is said in the counselor's office.  He might want to go rather than let you and your son sit in a counselor's office working up strategies for coping with Daddy.  Shame on him, by the way, for acting like a kid.  He is a grown-up, he should not be acting like a 10-year-old.  If he gives you a song and dance about how he won't pay for the counseling even if he doesn't have to go, tell him that you are going to borrow the money from your mother, and get a second job to pay her back.  Be serious, in other words.  Your husband is acting like a baby, and it's time to abash him into acting like an adult.

[Sandman2]

      An important question is how is your son at school?   Does he have problems there?  How is he doing grade wise?   Does he get into trouble for talking or hitting?    Its one thing if its just things going nuts between your husband and him.  Its a whole different matter if he is having the same problems at school.   And this is something that you want to talk directly to his teacher about.  Don't get just general "report card" statements.  Oh, and it even more important to know if he has had problems at school if they have been steadily increasing, stayed the same, etc.